A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him. ======================================== A young lady loved Elvis so much, that she decided to have his picture tattooed on the inside of her thigh. When she saw the finished likeness, she complained bitterly, arguing long and loud with the tattoo artist that it didn't resemble the King in the least. In order to keep his customer happy, the tattoo artist offered to re-do the work on the inside of the OTHER thigh. Once again, the young lady complained that it didn't look ANYTHING like Elvis. To settle the argument, the Tattoo artist went outside and grabbed the first guy who passed by, asking him to see the work and decide if either of the two tattoos resembled Elvis. "I don't know about those two on the sides" said the fellow,..."but the guy in the middle looks just like Willie Nelson !" ======================================== We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly eating and talking. Suddenly, Erik squealed with glee and said, "Hi there." He pounded his fat baby hands on the highchair tray. His eyes were wide with excitement and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin. He wriggled and giggled with merriment. I looked around and saw the source of his merriment. It was a man with a tattered rag of a coat; dirty, greasy and worn. His pants were baggy with a zipper at half-mast and his toes poked out of would-be shoes. His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his nose was so varicose it looked like a road map. We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure he smelled. His hands waved and flapped on loose wrists. "Hi there, baby; hi there, big boy. I see ya, buster," the man said to Erik. My husband and I exchanged looks, "What do we do?" Erik continued to laugh and answer, "Hi, hi there." Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the man. The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby. Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, "Do ya know patty cake? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek-a-boo." Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk. My husband and I were embarrassed. We ate in silence; all except for Erik, who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skid-row bum, who in turn, reciprocated with his cute comments. We finally got through the meal and headed for the door. My husband went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot. The old man sat poised between the door and me. "Lord, just let me out of here before he speaks to me or Erik," I prayed. As I drew closer to the man, I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he might be breathing. As I did, Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with both arms in a baby's "pick-me-up" position. Before I could stop him, Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man's. Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated their love relationship. Erik in an act of total trust, love, and submission laid his tiny head upon the man's ragged shoulder. The man's eyes closed, and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged hands full of grime, pain, and hard labor-gently, so gently, cradled my baby's bottom and stroked his back. No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so short a time. I stood awestruck. The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms for a moment and then his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a firm commanding voice, "You take care of this baby." Somehow I managed, "I will," from a throat that contained a stone. He pried Erik from his chest-unwillingly, longingly, as though he were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, "God bless you, ma'am, you've given me my Christmas gift." I said nothing more than a muttered thanks. With Erik in my arms, I ran for the car. My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, "My God, my God, forgive me." I had just witnessed Christ's love shown through the innocence of a tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a soul, and a mother who saw a suit of clothes. I was a Christian who was blind, holding a child who was not. I felt it was God asking- "Are you willing to share your son for a moment?" -- When He shared His for all eternity. The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me, "To enter the Kingdom of God, we must become as little children." ======================================== A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!" ======================================== **BECAUSE I'M A GUY Submitted by iVillagers Lara S. and Caron C. Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going? Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection? Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of "Time" and "Newsweek" the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the `90s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest. ======================================== I NEED YOU! My need for you is strong. I think of you and my heart races, My body trembles, and my spirit soars. I try to fight the craving for you, But I know the cause is lost. I must have you again. I fear that the world will someday know About my weakness for you. I know that if I go to you For one more taste of you, My guilt will overcome me And a heavy penance will be paid. But my resolve weakens and crumbles. I go to you, I take you and hold you. The wonderful smell of you fills my senses. This is insane, why can't resist you? I know that any other can have you If they but pay the price. But my need for you overwhelms me And I slowly strip you bare. My mouth aches for the taste of you. My tongue gently caresses you And the flavor of you fills my mouth. My body relaxes and my eyes close. The delicious sensation rushes through my body. Ahhhhhhh, CHOCOLATE!!! ======================================== In Brooklyn, New York, there is a school that caters to learning-disabled children. Some children remain in the school for their entire school career, while others can be mainstreamed into conventional schools. At a fundraising dinner, the father of a disabled child delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he cried out, "Where is the perfection in my son? Everything God does is done with perfection. But my child cannot understand things as other children do. My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where is God's perfection?" The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish and stilled by the piercing query. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like this into the world, the perfection that He seeks is in the way people react to this child." He then told the following story about his son: One afternoon the father and son walked past a park where some boys were playing baseball. The son asked, "Do you think they will let me play?" The father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most boys would not want him on their team. But the father understood that if his son were chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense of belonging. The father approached one of the boys in the field and asked if his son could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning." The father was ecstatic as the son smiled broadly. The son was told to put on a glove and go out to play short center field. In the bottom of the eighth inning, the boy's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the bottom of the ninth inning, the team scored again and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning run on base, the son was scheduled to be up. Would the team actually let him bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, he was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because he didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, let alone hit with it. However, as he stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so he should at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came in and he swung clumsily and missed. One of his teammates came up and together they held the bat and faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward the boys. As the pitch came in, the son and his teammate swung the bat and together they hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. The son would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling, "Run to first. Run to first!" Never in his life had the boy run to first. He scampered down the baseline wide eyed and startled. By the time he reached first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman that would tag out the son, who was still running. But, the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second." The boy ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As he reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base and shouted, "Run to third." As he rounded third, the boys from both teams ran behind him screaming,"Run home!" He ran home, stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and made him the hero, as he had just hit a "grand slam" and won the game for his team. "That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection." ======================================== One night Jerry brought home a dozen roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she commented. "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you," he said simply. "Not tonight dear. I have a headache." The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love. "I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight." Every night for a week Jerry brought home an elegant gift, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?" "These are the pallbearers for your dead pussy." ======================================== An observation I had while watching the Westminster Dog Show: Watch a dog show some time. See how the judges look over the animals, examine their teeth, peer into their eyes, poke, and prod them. Watch the dogs get pranced around, doing things very unnatural to dogs. After the show, the dogs probably go home and talk to other dogs that aren't show dogs, and tell them what went on. The other dogs probably think they're nuts. Then listen to some people's UFO abductions stories. ======================================== One day a hunter's wife was thinking of how to spend more time with her hubby during hunting season. So that evening she tells him that she wants to start hunting with him. Of course he hit the roof with excitement, since this meant that now he could buy the best tree stands, camo, rifles, and other gear. On the opening day of hunting season he woke his wife and explained that it was time to leave. She took one look at the clock and said she goes nowhere at 4:00 in the morning. He told her she had one of three choices: A. Get up and go hunting. B. Have wild anal sex. C. Give him head. She thought about it for a minute, and then said A. She goes nowhere at 4 in the morning B. He will never get near her rear end in that way C. What the hell, it's not like it'll be the first time. Shortly after beginning she spits on the floor and says "Jesus, that tastes like crap!" He shrugs and says "I know. The dog didn't want to go either". ======================================== A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course." ======================================== A husband and wife went to bed one evening: Husband: Would you like to make love tonight Wife: No Husband: Is that your final answer Wife: Yes Husband: Then I would like to phone a friend ======================================== When you have had one of those "TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT " days, try this: On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-Tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in Quality Control at the Q-Tip Company." It works!! ======================================== The Pokemon Craze is still sweeping the nation, but it was recently revealed that there would be some new POKEMON announced this summer. While these are not on the official list, here are a few that they are keeping under wraps. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NAME: Postall ELEMENT: Government TYPE: Civil Servant WEIGHT: 150 lbs TECHNIQUES: Snail Crawl, Uzi Burst. OTHER TECHNIQUES: Damaged Packages, Insufficient Postage. USE AGAINST: Bill Collectors, NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Rush Deliveries EVOLUTION: Evolves Into BureauKraut. HABITAT: Usually seen walking across lawns. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=- NAME: BureauKraut ELEMENT: Government TYPE: Appointed WEIGHT: 235 lbs. TECHNIQUES: Double-talk, Red Tape, stonewalling. OTHER TECHNIQUES: Lying, cheating, kissing up USE AGAINST: Common Sense, Morality, Truth NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Bribes, Corruption, EVOLUTION: Evolves From Postall Evolves Into Politik HABITAT: Back rooms, Bars, City Hall, Party Headquarters -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=- NAME: Politick ELEMENT: Government TYPE: Elected WEIGHT: Fat Cat TECHNIQUES: Lies out of both sides of mouth, Campaign Promises. OTHER TECHNIQUES: Sleep USE AGAINST: Thriving economy, Developing Nations NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: High Taxes, Inflation, Bill Gates EVOLUTION: Evolves From BureauKraut HABITAT: Lobbyist Parties, Fund Raisers, Back Rooms, Campaign Trails, has occasionally been seen performing duties in office. (RARE) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NAME: Spoiledkid ELEMENT: Brat TYPE: Immature WEIGHT: 15-90 lbs. (depending on development) TECHNIQUES: Screaming, Yelling, Crying, OTHER TECHNIQUES: Terrorizing, Hitting, Calling Grandma USE AGAINST: Good Taste, Better Judgement NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Other Brats EVOLUTION: Evolves Into Jay-Dee HABITAT: Homes around the world that allow Spoiledkid to get away with it. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=- NAME: Jay-Dee ELEMENT: Brat TYPE: Immature WEIGHT: 120 to 190 lbs. TECHNIQUES: Intimidation, verbal abuse, physical abuse OTHER TECHNIQUES: Laziness, drunkenness, horniness, theft USE AGAINST: Parked Cars, Mom's Purse, Dad's Wallet, Anything not tied down. NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Other Jay-Dees EVOLUTION: Evolves From Spoiledkid Evolves Into Konvikt HABITAT: Street Corners, Back Alleys, Anyplace dark it can hide while waiting to attack. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=- NAME: Konvikt ELEMENT: Brat TYPE: Immature WEIGHT: 180 to 250 lbs. TECHNIQUES: Armed Robbery, Grand Theft Auto, Assault and Battery OTHER TECHNIQUES: White Collar Crime, Forgery, Used Car Sales USE AGAINST: Society NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Itself, Prison Rape Gangs. EVOLUTION: Evolves From Jay-Dee HABITAT: Assorted Federal Prisons, In front of Parole Boards, Low Income Housing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NAME: Belcher ELEMENT: Grass/Poison TYPE: Bean WEIGHT: 3 lbs. for a dollar, TECHNIQUES: Hard Blast Of Air, Embarrassment OTHER TECHNIQUES: Bad Breath, Bad Manners, Bad Jokes, USE AGAINST: Bullies, Polite Society, NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Impressing Dates, Job Interviews, and Public Speaking, EVOLUTION: Evolves into Phharrt, HABITAT: Usually found in school cafeterias and near soda pop, -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=- NAME: Phharrt ELEMENT: Grass/Poison TYPE: Bean WEIGHT: .01 grams TECHNIQUES: Gas Attack, Embarrassment, Relief, OTHER TECHNIQUES: Cutting through clothes without leaving a hole, Room Clearance, USE AGAINST: Sensitive Noses, People You Don't Like, Car Pools NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Elevators, Dates, Job Promotions EVOLUTION: Evolves from Belcher Evolves into Runzzz HABITAT: Bars, Mexican Restaurants, -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=- NAME: Runzzz ELEMENT: Grass/Poison TYPE: Bean WEIGHT: 5 lbs, TECHNIQUES: Stink, Mess, Diarrhea, OTHER TECHNIQUES: Gross out, Slippery, Embarrassment, Tummy Rumbles USE AGAINST: Restaurant Diners, Clean Diapers, Poor Garden Soil, Good Taste NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Skunks, Dirty Diapers, Laundry Day EVOLUTION: Evolves from Phharrt, HABITAT: Public Restrooms, Behind Bushes, Outhouses, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NAME: Muddle ELEMENT: Management TYPE: Corporate WEIGHT: 180 lbs. TECHNIQUES: Paper Shuffling, Micro Management OTHER TECHNIQUES: None: has no real power USE AGAINST: Labor NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Bureaucracy, upper management, The system EVOLUTION: Evolves Into Exekutiv HABITAT: Working long hours in the office. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=- NAME: Exekutiv ELEMENT: Management TYPE: Corporate WEIGHT: 200 lbs. TECHNIQUES: Double Talk, Back Stabbing, Blundering OTHER TECHNIQUES: Downsizing, Rightsizing, Approving Unsafe Products USE AGAINST: Shareholders, Consumers, Government, Everyone and Everything! (Hey, it'll even turn on you! It only looks out for Number One!) NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Shoddy Products, Shoddy Services, Shoddy Contracts EVOLUTION: Evolves From Muddle Evolves Into Ceo HABITAT: Health Spas, Night Clubs, Major Sporting Events, Casinos, (all on an expense account) -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=- NAME: Ceo ELEMENT: Management TYPE: Corporate WEIGHT: 220 lbs. TECHNIQUES: Stock Options, Downsizing, Bonuses OTHER TECHNIQUES: Get Rich, Bonehead Decisions, Delegation USE AGAINST: The Economy NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Unemployment, Inflation, EVOLUTION: Evolves From Exekutiv HABITAT: Riviera, Mansions, Five Star Hotels, Limousines. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NAME: Komik ELEMENT: Stage TYPE: Entertainer WEIGHT: 150 lbs TECHNIQUES: Slapstick, Quick Jib, One-Liner OTHER TECHNIQUES: Gross Humor, Fart Jokes, Props USE AGAINST: The Blues, The Doldrums, Bad Karma, Sadness, Boredom NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: People who think they are funny, but aren't EVOLUTION: Evolves Into Akteer HABITAT: Comedy Clubs, Morning Radio Shows, Talk Shows, -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=- NAME: Akteer ELEMENT: Stage TYPE: Entertainer WEIGHT: 180 lbs. TECHNIQUES: Pratfalls, Double-takes, Double-entendres OTHER TECHNIQUES: Zingers, Insults USE AGAINST: More expensive actors. Bad Scripts. Bad Directing NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Own Reputation, Really Bad Scripts, Network Honchos EVOLUTION: Evolves From Komik Evolves Into Dramatik HABITAT: Teen Comedies, TV Sit-coms, The WB. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=--=-=-=- NAME: Dramatik ELEMENT: Stage TYPE: Entertainer WEIGHT: 190 lbs TECHNIQUES: Rolling Voice, Shakespeare, Death Scene OTHER TECHNIQUES: Tear-jerkers, Action-Adventure, Comic Relief USE AGAINST: Type. NOT EFFECTIVE BATTLING: Lack Of Talent EVOLUTION: Evolves from Akteer HABITAT: Hollywood, New York, Eastern European Countries, On the set. ======================================== Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs, such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!! Jane Dear Jane: This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\IAPOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! ======================================== One day mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." ======================================== Top 13 Reasons To Go To Work Naked 13. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" 12. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 11. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources. 10. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 9. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 8. You want to see if it's like the dream. 7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 6. Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform. 5. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 4. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned. 3. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 2. No one steals your chair. And the Number 1 Reason To Go To Work Naked... 1. Because the President insists when Hillary's out of town. ======================================== KIDS ADVICE TO KIDS "Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10 "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, 9 "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, 14 "Stay away from prunes." Randy, 9 "Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, 13 "Don't squat with your spurs on." Noronha, 13 "Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to." Emily, 10 "When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." Taylia,11 "Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14 "Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers." Mitchell,12 "Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9 "Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9 "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9 "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11 "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15 "Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9 "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." Joel,10 "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, 13 "Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, 8 ======================================== Kids views on marriage: Q - HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? A - "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 A - "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 Q - WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? A - "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10 A - "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6 Q - HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? A - "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 Q - WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? A - "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8 Q - WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? A - "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8 A - "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10 Q - WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? A - "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9 Q - WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? A - "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 A - "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7 A - "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8 Q - IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? A - "I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing; I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8 A - "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9 Q - HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? A - "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 Q - HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? A - "Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10 ======================================== A hunter shoots two squirrels, and takes them to the taxidermist. "I'd like these stuffed," he says. The taxidermist says "Do you want them mounted?" After a moment of thought, the guy answers "Nah...shaking hands will be alright." ======================================== How to say....."I Love You" in Different Languages English.........I Love You Spanish........Te Amo French.........Je T'aime German........Ich Liebe Dich Japanese......Ai Shite Imasu Italian...........Ti Amo Chinese........Wo Ai Ni Swedish.......Jag Alskar Dig Eskimo.........Nagligivaget Greek...........S'Agapo Hawaiian.......Aloha Wau la Oe Irish.............Thaim In Grabh Leat Hebrew.........Ani Ohev Otakh Russian........Ya Lyublyu Tyebya Albanian.......Une Te Dua Finnish.........Mina Rakkastan Sinua Turkish.........Seni Seviyorum Hungarian....Se Ret Lay Persian........Du Stet Daram Maltese........ien Inhobbok Catalan........Testimo Molt Redneck ......Nice Tits ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Beginning our 7th year of court-mandated community service. The Top 15 New Year's Resolutions of Top5 Contributors [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15 Fight global hunger... starting with this Ding Dong. 14 Gain 20 pounds and keep smoking. Hey, at least I'll *keep* my resolutions for once. 13 Give up the repetitive, unfunny catchphrases and write some real jokes this year. On second thought, that ain't no tofu burrito, Chester, and I *am* happy to see you so I KISS YOU!!! 12 Quit squeezing pimples, especially other people's. 11 Pamper my colon: Eat more fiber! 10 Work on building buns of mush to fit in better at next year's Top5 Contributor Convention. 9 Try to tone down the sexual magnetism. 8 I resolve not to take 10-15 items through the "5 Item or Less" lane at the supermarket. 7 Use my power of humor only for good. 6 Whip it. Whip it good. 5 Attempt to do some of that "work" crap my boss keeps yammering about. 4 Say "Thank You" afterwards -- because even goats appreciate a bit of courtesy. 3 One word: sunlight 2 I prefer making resolutions for other people: Jan, lose 30 pounds; Phil, give me better performance reviews; and Linda, stop hiding your aching lust for me behind a mask of indifference. and Topfive.com's Number 1 New Year's Resolution of Top5 Contributors... 1 I resolve to finally give in and join my fellow contributors by going down on the Top 5 list moderator in exchange for that coveted #1 spot. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Delicious recipe on back! The Top 12 Nudist Pickup Lines [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 12 "Hey, is that a roll of quarters in... er, never mind. That's not a pocket, is it?" 11 "Oh, look! Somebody must have dropped a $20 bill there on the ground in front of you!" 10 "Hey, Tan Lines, new around here?" 9 "Ever seen a guy do no-handed pushups?" 8 "Excuse me, were those Bugle Boy jeans?" 7 "Nice melanoma!" 6 "My other penis is a Porsche." 5 "Damn, you'd look great in a wet T-shirt." 4 "Boy, I'd sure like to get into *YOUR* pants! Figuratively speaking, of course..." 3 "Did you just wake up or are you glad to see me?" 2 "Did I mention that I'm President of the United States?" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Nudist Pickup Line... 1 "I see where Joe Camel gets his good looks!" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Not recommended for use in microwave ovens. The Top 12 Dark Moments in Music History (Part I) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 12 November 3, 1987: Knowing how much her kids loved "Star Wars," a naive Tipper Gore rushes home with a newly-bought "Luke Skywalker and 2-Live Crew" CD. 11 August 16, 1969: At a party for her 11th birthday, Madonna Louise Ciccone is strangely unfazed when Vinny Martello stuffs two ice cream cones down the front of her dress. 10 July 18, 1966: "Let's let Ringo sing one. No harm in that, is there?" 9 September 22, 1968: Baffled by audiences' lack of enthusiasm about a deaf, dumb and blind shuffleboard champ, Pete Townshend heads dejectedly down to the corner pub. 8 June 3, 1958: In an attempt to impress his piano teacher, young Barry Manilow changes keys in the middle of his rendition of "Heart & Soul" -- three times. 7 September 2, 1997: Lou Bega finishes "Mambo #4," decides his symphony needs one more movement. 6 May 4, 1956: In Toronto, Neil Young's tonsillectomy causes no damage to his larynx, thereby not robbing him of his voice. 5 August 12, 1986: "Congratulations Mr. Hanson -- it's another boy!" 4 July 29, 1974: "Soup or sandwich today, Ms. Cass?" 3 November 8, 1980: Mark David Chapman can't quite scrounge up $50 for shooting lessons. A month later, his attempted assassination of Yoko Ono goes horribly awry. 2 September 6, 1977: Due to a misprint on his high school schedule, Kenny G. attends "Sax Education" class. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dark Moment in Music History... 1 March 30, 1968: An alien craft leaves a baby on the doorstep of the Dion farm just outside of Montreal, Canada. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Slow readers please keep right. The Top 12 Dark Moments in Music History (Part II) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 12 July 16, 1993: Shaquille O'Neal skips free-throw drills to record his first rap album. 11 October 1, 1978: Michael Jackson takes in "Peter Pan" on Broadway and thinks how cool it would be to look more like Sandy Duncan. 10 January 6, 1995: Art Garfunkel gets three fewer hits than David Crosby on eBay when "celebrity musician sperm" is entered in the search box. 9 August 15, 1953: Future songwriter Jimmy Webb forgets his slice of birthday cake outside. Moments later, it begins to rain. 8 June 7, 1966: "Hey, chaps, I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend, Yoko." 7 July 23, 1956: Colonel Tom Parker says to Elvis, "Boy, you're nothin' but skin and bones. You better put on some weight, or people are gonna think you're sick!" 6 October 31, 1975: At a costume party in Greenwich Village, a soldier, an Indian, a biker, a construction worker, a cop and a cowboy all decide, "This is too much fun to do just once a year!" 5 November 17, 1984: "Don't worry, Mr. Dylan, the novocaine will wear off *LONG* before your recording session." 4 September 8, 1949: In Bavaria, Richard Strauss dies. September 8, 1949: In Greece, Milos Muzak is born. 3 May 21, 1971: In a meat-deprivation-fueled stupor, Paul McCartney tells Linda: "Hey, Luv, why don't *you* play in the band?" 2 Sept. 17, 1955: Young Michael Jagger gets his lips caught in a Coke bottle for several hours. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dark Moment in Music History... 1 February 16, 1955: After 15 minutes of sitting in a boat listening to "Go Back Home, You Obnoxious Little Foreign Brats!", humorless Disneyland execs decide to look for another composer for their new attraction. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Where the hell are the singing cats?! NOTE FROM CHRIS: A bill introduced in the Mississippi state legislature by Republican state Senator Tom King would make it illegal for a man to appear in public when sexually aroused. More specifically, it bans "the showing of covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state," and offenders face a year in prison and a $2,000 fine. But just how does one know this crime is being committed? The Top 13 Signs Someone's Breaking Mississippi's Boner Law [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 13 Local Renaissance festival supplier has been sold out of codpieces for weeks. 12 "No, that's NOT a banana in my pocket, and keep your voice down, willya?!?" 11 On the bus to work, you are convinced that there's a midget behind you trying to rob you at gunpoint. 10 Strategically placed "Lee surrendered, but I didn't" bumper sticker. 9 The driver in the next lane has both hands on the wheel, yet he's still scratching his chin. 8 That feller's parrot ain't perched on his shoulder. 7 Cops keep asking, "Is that a $2,000 fine in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" 6 At a political fundraising dinner, Senator Tom King has the honor of meeting Linda Tripp for the very first time. 5 Southern gentleman keeps his hat on his lap -- while walking. 4 Front row seats at a Shania Twain concert? Nope. Watching as cheerleader splits a seam at the Ole Miss game? Nope. Dancing with Sis at the family picnic? Uh-oh. 3 Local Hooters is filled with guys reciting the batting order of the '69 Mets. 2 With an armful of groceries, Bob proudly pushes the 4th floor button in the elevator. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Someone's Breaking Mississippi's Boner Law... 1 The eyes on the suspect's "semi-formed Siamese twin" look like they were drawn on with a magic marker. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now with 10% more tofu! The "Harry Potter" series of children's books, written by J.K. Rowling, is among the most spectacular successes in the publishing industry, with all three books simultaneously on bestseller lists all over the world. Harry Potter is a young apprentice magician who gets involved in all sorts of adventures, or something to that effect. Of course Top5 wondered what his upcoming adventures might be... The Top 16 Rejected Titles for the Next "Harry Potter" Book (Part I) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 16 Harry Potter and the Naughty Schoolmarm, Mrs. Letourneau 15 Harry Potter and the Throbbing Muscle of Love 14 Harry Potter and the Revenge of Montezuma 13 Harry Potter and the Sorcerer from NAMBLA 12 Harry Potter and the Painful Rectal Itch 11 Harry Potter and the Decline of Literacy 10 Harry Potter and the Sticky March Issue of "Hustler" 9 Harry Potter and the Sorceress's Sore 8 Harriet Potter After the Life-Altering Surgery 7 Harry Potter and the Curse of the Lisp 6 Harry Potter and the Inflatable Sheep 5 Harry Potter and Spinning Grave of Tolkien 4 Harry Potter and the Trenchcoat Mafia 3 Harry Potter and the Carnivorous Pony 2 Harry Potter and the Over-Hyped Children's Author and Clever Marketing Campaign and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Title for the Next "Harry Potter" Book... 1 Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Hey! Don't make me get my belt! The Top 15 Rejected Titles for the Next "Harry Potter" Book (Part II) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 16 Harry Potter and the Well-Deserved Ass-Kicking 15 Harry Potter and the Thousand-Dollar-a-Day Heroin Habit 14 Harry Potter and the Action Figure You Must Buy Right Now 13 Harry Potter and the Vacation in Salem 12 Harry Potter and the Perils of Neverland 11 Harry Potter and His Discernibly Turgid State 10 Harry Potter and the Homoerotic Leitmotif 9 Harry Potter and the Horse He Rode in On 8 Harry Potter and the Mustang Ranch 7 Harry Potter and the Chambers of Marilyn 6 Harry Potter and the Bath House of Secret Touches 5 Harry Potter and the Hey, Oprah, Pick Me For Your Book Club! 4 Harry Potter and the Can Of Whup-ass 3 Harry Potter and the Grassy Knoll 2 Harry Potter and the Long Night With a Britney Spears Poster and a Flashlight and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Title for the Next "Harry Potter" Book... 1 Harry Potter and the Little Kid Who Died From Not Reading This Book [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Contains less than 5g of fat The Top 16 Things You Don't Want to Hear on a First Date [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 16 "No salad for me, but I'll have a couple of those mega-burritos." 15 "You look so much better in person then you do on the company's hidden bathroom web-cam." 14 "Okay, here's the plan: After you get into the movie, open the fire door and bang! We save 8 bucks that we can use later on at Wendy's!" 13 "You think I look good NOW? Honey, I'll look even better when they finish the surgery!" 12 "I did *not* have sexual relations with that President, Mr. Clinton." 11 "Hey, wanna hear your name in Klingon?" 10 "It looks like you weren't able to cover up that zit with makeup. Can I pop it for you?" 9 "I do, Mr. Multimillionaire." 8 "Sorry about the cell phone in the theater, but my wife could go into labor any minute now." 7 "Why don't you want to go to Hooters? What're you, a feminist or something?" 6 "My imaginary friend wants to know how you feel about threesomes." 5 "Don't worry about protection, silly -- I'm *already* pregnant." 4 "Mind getting on top? My nose is running." 3 "It seems like only yesterday that Satan welded my crotch shut." 2 "Heads up, Hon -- I *always* get lucky when I'm wearing my Hulk Underoos." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear on a First Date... 1 "How strange -- you kiss just like your Dad!" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Defrost before opening February 4, 2000 The Top 15 Signs It's Way Too Cold Outside [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15 You leave the store with a steaming cup of cappuccino and arrive at your car with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Mocha Madness. 14 Richard Simmons forced to layer two tank tops. 13 Last week, you used your Super Bowl tickets as fireplace kindling. 11 You walk into Starbucks, and a seal with his flippers wrapped around a latte yells at you to "Shut the f-f-friggin' door!!" 10 Your hands are too frozen to type -- but fortunately, the chattering of your teeth deceives your boss. 9 Sperm banks no longer found the only place to find frozen sperm. 8 "Christ, Ms. Zeta-Jones, be careful! You could put an eye out with those things!" 7 Your nuts are freezing -- and you're a woman! 6 Jehovah's Witness at the front door offers to keep his opinions to himself in exchange for 5 minutes in front of your fireplace. 5 John Rocker mumbles something about "those Eskimo bastards." 4 Alan Keyes condones same-sex cuddling. 3 Linda Tripp's new parts crumble and fall off. 2 The Washington Monument is only 5 feet tall. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign It's Way Too Cold Outside... 1 Cher finally puts on panties. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T You like us! You really, really like us! The Top 14 Rejected Slogans for Beer [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 14 Beer: Getting sorority girls knocked up for 300 years 13 Goes Down Cold, Comes Up Smooth! 12 A decent excuse for your normal clumsy self 11 Because You're Sober 10 Tastes like piss, but you'll drink it anyway 9 Beer: That nasty taste means it's workin'! 8 You have to fill your bladder with something. 7 Don't Make Germany Angry. You Wouldn't Like Germany When It's Angry. 6 We don't make the urine. We make the urine faster. 5 Numbing the Embarrassment of Being You 4 It's the thicker-chicker-picker-upper! 3 Easier to Spell than Whiskey 2 The *Other* Thin Yellowish Liquid and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Slogan for Beer... 1 Beer: It's how you got here. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Winners of the 1999 Wurlitzer Prize for comedy. The Top 16 Rodeo Pick-Up Lines [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 16 "Ain't no rodeo clown in the world that could keep me off *you*, Darlin'." 15 "Here's my number, call me if you need a few bucks." 14 "Run if ya want, Missy, but I'll have you hog-tied quicker than you can say 'stay away from me you Skoal-chewin'freak.'" 13 "Pardon me, Ma'am -- you and your friend there interested in a little team ropin'?" 12 "I can see by your Wranglers that you're a Jewish man..." 11 "Er, yeah... I *am* in the Village People." 10 "How'd you like to put a pinch of *me* between your cheek and gum?" 9 "Them calves of yours sure look like they could use a bit of ropin'." 8 "Got 8 seconds?" 7 "Ropes, spurs, leather gloves -- Honey, even I weren't no cowboy, we're talking a good time!" 6 "I'll be in Intensive Care later. Why don't you drop by?" 5 "You sure make me wish I hadn't crapped my pants when that bull charged." 4 "Honey, I *need* a belt buckle this large to keep from gettin' arrested in Mississippi." 3 "Is that a pelvis broken in three places, or are you just happy to see me?" 2 "Mooooooooo." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rodeo Pick-Up Line... 1 "That's right, I said 'AND the horse you rode in on.'" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Breaking seal voids warranty. A new study says an estimated 200,000 are addicted to internet pornography, meaning that they spend a minimum of 11 hours a week viewing porn on the web. The Top 12 Signs Your S.O. is Addicted to Internet Porn [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 12 During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot. 11 His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser. 10 When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down." 9 C:\Downloads\Porn C:\Downloads\Porn\July C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03 C:\Downloads\Porn\July\03\10PM-11PM 8 Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing." 7 He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries. 6 Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee. 5 When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her." 4 You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas. 3 As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday. 2 During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Significant Other is Addicted to Internet Porn... 1 His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker. [Apparently, he likes to drive naked, too.] Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car. Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 13 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his 13 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "It sure had a big dick!" ======================================== A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed; they immediately purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Christian dog and his religious skills. They called the dog and began showing him off. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well," they said, "let's find out." Once more they called the dog, and gave the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the guest's forehead, closed his eyes, and began to pray. ======================================== HOW TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT: You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese. You have to believe there was no art before federal funding. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVS. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural. You have to be against capital punishment but pro abortion on demand; in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but pasty, loony activists who've never been outside Seattle do. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high. You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady, and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man.. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth should be jailed but a liar and rapist belongs in the White House. ======================================== A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" The father is kind of shocked; but decides to be totally honest and straight forward. So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc.... He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...He thinks, what the heck, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth. The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So sweetheart what made you wish to know about sex?" "Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of sex" ======================================== A woman goes to see a doctor. "Doc", she says, "I've been a hooker for the past 15 years and I've met this man who is really special, we've fallen in love, and want to get married. He's not very versed in the ways of sex, but even he will know something is wrong with a woman who has an...opening... this big. I certainly don't want him to know about my sordid past. Can you help?" "Not a problem", says the doc. "I'll give you a series of operations which will tighten that thing up like a drum, good as new. He'll never suspect a thing." The woman replies, "But we're getting married tomorrow." "Well, that's a problem", says the doc. "However, if he's as dumb as you say about sex, go to the store and buy about 2lbs of liver, stuff it all up in there real tight, and maybe you can fool him until after the honeymoon when we can do the surgery." The woman really loved this guy so she decided to give it a try. The wedding went fine, the reception was wonderful, and the newlyweds got drunk. Upon arriving in their hotel suite, the bride opened and downed an entire bottle of champagne and promptly passed out on the bed. When she awoke the next morning, the sun was shining in through the opened window. Her husband was nowhere to be found, but she found a note written on a napkin laying across her bare chest. It read: "Dear Darlene, I truly apologize for the things I did to your body last night. I know I have ruined you for life and just can't stand to face you. Please don't come looking for me as I have gone to jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge and kill myself. I will always remember our night together. Your loving husband, Herman." PS: "Your pussy is in the sink." ======================================== A guy with a new sports car stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker. As he opened the door a scruffy dog ran toward the car. The driver said he could not take the dog. The hitch-hiker said that was ok, the dog was trained to run beside the car on a leash because no one wanted the dog in their car. He put the leash on the dog and off they went. The driver asked how the dog was doing as they drove along at 40 mph. The dog owner said "he is fine and go as fast as you want." At about 70 the driver asked again about the dog. The owner said "you just drive , the dog will keep up,no problem". At about 130 the driver asked again about the dog. The owner said "HEY if you don't believe the dog is ok then stop and check it out!!" The driver jammed the brake peddle, stopped and got out to see the dog for himself. After seeing the dog was not even breathing hard. He asked the hitch-hiker where the big red collar came from. The owner replied, " I think that's his ass, he's not used to stopping that fast" ======================================== A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York had a special on what they were calling the "bucket of Hillary" - two small breasts, two large thighs and a bunch of left wings. ======================================== London Telegraph ISSUE 1722 Friday 11 February 2000 It's Hillary! making it in a spin-off from the Capitol Hillbilly By Mark Steyn HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON has officially announced that she's running for the Senate. Hang on, you're probably thinking. Didn't the Telegraph do that story a couple of months ago? Well, no. Last time round, Hillary was officially announcing that she was officially intending to run for the Senate. This week, she was officially announcing that she's officially running. Similarly, although she's always talking about how she's going to be talking about the issues, she hasn't yet actually talked about any of the issues, only about how she's going to be talking about them. So far, the only issue anyone's talking about is who was in charge of the record player. For reasons best known to her aides, the fellow spinning the platters at her campaign launch decided to play Billy Joel's Captain Jack: Your sister's gone out, she's on a date You just sit home and masturbate . . . So you play your albums and you smoke your pot And you meet your girl friend in the parking lot. - which even Hillary's admirers felt was an unnecessary reminder of her husband. For many of us, the big question was what name she'd be using. When Bill first ran for Governor, Hill announced she'd be keeping her maiden name. After he was defeated for re-election, she announced she'd be using her married name. Once he'd become President, she decided to use both names. For her Senate run, she's running under the campaign slogan "Hillary!" Hillary!??? It sounds like the sort of thing Bill might say if she wandered into the Oval Office when he had the Do Not Disturb sign on the door: "Hillary! But I thought you were still on your 'listening tour' of New York?" (As with talking about the issues, "Hillary!" is always talking about how she's going to be listening to people but never actually listens to them.) But apparently, as a campaign slogan, "Hillary!" played well with the focus groups: it's a quick, simple ejaculation, so in that sense it further distances her from the President, who's famous for his reluctance to reach that happy state. I was trying to think what the new "Hillary!" reminded me of when I switched on ABC and there, for the first time in 20 years, was Mary Tyler Moore, the sitcom darling of the Seventies, back together with her old chum Rhoda in a reunion movie called Mary and Rhoda. Mary. Rhoda. Hillary! Like Roseanne, who started out as Roseanne Barr and then became Roseanne Arnold and finally just plain old Roseanne, the whole surname thing had gotten too complicated: far better just to join the ranks of the uni-appellated sitcom greats: Roseanne, Lucy, Mary, Rhoda, Hillary. Anyway, I wish the Hillary /Mary comparison had never occurred to me. I've been in love with the chipmunk-cheeked cutie - that's Mary, not Hillary - for 25 years. But I have to say, on her Monday night TV movie, the new Mary, retooled for the Nineties, was alarmingly Hillaryesque: she's moved to New York; she has one daughter, who's at college; she's the wife of a Washington politician, who's blown all their dough; she looks fabulous, if you don't mind the excessively taut cheekbones; she deplores tabloid TV and its lurid obsession with sex and sleaze instead of talking about the issues and listening to the concerns of ordinary people. In the most Rodhamite touch of all, she has absolutely no sense of humour. Hillary, on the other hand, is reinventing herself as the perky gal about town. "I'll tell you something, Chris," said USA Today's Tom Squitieri, discussing Hillary! on CNBC's Hardball. "There's a lot of guys out there who think Hillary Rodham Clinton would be a great date." "Date?" asked Chris Matthews. "Date. D-A-T-E. A woman you go out to dinner with, take her to a show, talk and have a great time." "Is there any woman you think wouldn't be a great date, Tom?" asked Chris. But she's our Hill now: New York's favourite bachelorette, America's fun-loving girl Senator. Hillary Tyler Clinton! Mary Rodham Moore! Both were young mid-westerners who set out back in the Seventies to prove you could make it as an independent woman. Both raised important questions about women's issues, but were loved by millions for the hilarious scrapes they got into. Both are single career girls making a fresh start in the big city, but both previously spent years playing the put-upon wife in more conventional sitcoms: Mary in The Dick Van Dyke Show, Hillary in The Bill-Stained Dress Show. But not anymore. The First Lady's flying solo, and Bill's stuck back in Washington eking out yet another lame season of The Capitol Hillbilly. Hillary may finally have got that nice house in the New York suburbs, but the last thing she wants to hear is: "Hi, honey, I'm home!" The new Hillary's as lovable as Lucy now - except without Desi Arnaz to burst in at the end and say: "Lucy, choo got some 'splainin' to do!" Hilly has a lot of 'splainin' to do after the vast amount of ethical wreckage piled up over the past eight years. But no one's going to call her to account. Instead, they're just going to give her a new series. Girl, you're gonna make it after all! ======================================== ================================================================== [ --== Top5 presents ==-- ] [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] ================================================================== -=++=- My mother loves Valentine's Day because it's the only day of the year when she doesn't have to remind me what a lonely, pathetic loser I am. (Kristine Falconieri) -=++=- I'm not *really* evil -- I'm just a tier 1 VAR for Satan. (Kelly Alexander) -=++=- I laughed; I cried. It was either a really good movie, or I've got bi-polar disorder. (Paul Wiley) ======================================== During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?" "Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!" ======================================== Waiting in line at the gas station this evening, I made an interesting observation. Have you ever noticed that women tend to get back in their cars, close the doors, and sit there while the gas pumps??? Men will stand next to the car, and many times, hold the handle of the pump. This correlates with the urination habits of men and women: women sit down, and men stand there and hold it. The second correlation is when the pumping is finished, men will shake the end of the nozzle to get the last drop off, so it doesn't hit the side of the car, or their shoes, while women will just swing the nozzle around to put it away, and usually leave a stream of gas down the side of the car. I was just sitting there laughing to myself as I watched the woman in front of me fill up her car. ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Deluxe sample size. The Top 16 Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 16 "Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy -- I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'." 15 "I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on." 14 "We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?" 13 "It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit." 12 "I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge." 11 "My proctologist got stuck." 10 "It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've spent the last hour swimming." 9 "I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction." 8 "Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out on crystal meth as I am." 7 "Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss." 6 "Heidi Klum refused to untie me." 5 "On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial- strength anti-canker sore gel." 4 "I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts." 3 "It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning... Sir." 2 "My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by 'my dog' I mean your wife, and by 'ate my presentation' I mean 'was boinking me'." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Worst Excuse for Being Late for Work... 1 "These are not the 'droids you're looking for." [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam were some fantastic musicians on the discocircuit. They jammed for many years till one night, after a gig and a few beers, they stepped out of a club and were run down and killed by a Mack truck. Larry the Lobster goes to heaven and Sam the Clam goes to hell. One day Larry says to St. Peter, "I sure miss my old buddy Sam, I hear he has his own disco down there. Do you think I could go visit him and jam some, just one more time?" St. Peter says, "I think you can have a one time, one-evening pass to Hell to jam with Sam the Clam." Larry is elated and asks St. Peter for an instrument. "All we have in Heaven are harps," he says. Larry the Lobster shrugs and says, "That will just have to do!" So Larry goes off to hell and has a fantastic time. He and Sam jam all night, just like the old days. When he comes back and sees St. Peter, he thanks him profusely for the pass. But St. Peter just looks at Larry funny and asks him, "Aren't you forgetting something?" Larry thinks for a second, then smacks his forehead and says ... "Dang! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco." ======================================== A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ======================================== ================================================================== [ --== Top5 presents ==-- ] [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] ================================================================== Ruminations for February 1, 2000 -=++=- I don't get mad, I get even. Actually, I don't get even, I usually get mad. Okay, really, I just get depressed and mope for a while. Then, eventually, after much pain and consideration, I get over it. (Kevin Morris) -=++=- Meg confided that she wanted to be mummified in the manner of the ancient Egyptians. It wasn't until the screaming died down and the apartment was in total disarray that the thought occurred to me that she meant after she died. (David Gunter) -=++=- So it turns out catapults aren't supposed to be used on cats. Oh, well, live and learn. (Scott E. Frank) ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Pre-shrunk for long lasting comfort. The Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors or Similes [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 20 Worn down at the edges like a Times Square hooker, the caretaker's last tooth lay on the floor like a yellow Chiclet. 19 When she stepped out of her dress, she had the body of a 90-year-old nun, if the nun looked as young, attractive, and sexy as the dame standing in front of me. 18 The situation had become topsy-turvy -- like Christmas in the summer, if you're in Australia. 17 The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion. 16 As I watched through the slatted shades, her bosom bounce like her suspicious husband's first check. 15 The killer was a misplaced comma in the jaunty, happy sentence that made up the party crowd. 14 His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw -- and it had been out in the heat too long. 13 Like any family, this house had its secrets, secrets it grimly refused to reveal, and would continue to refuse to reveal even if it could speak, which unlike a family, or at least most members of most families, it couldn't. 12 The air of danger perversely made Nina's nipples harden, like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream. 11 From his vantage point in the balcony, the would-be assassin looked down on the debating candidates like a webhead looking down on an AOL user. 10 The sudden darkness made the Countess tense, like Bobby Jerome that time with the bicycle in 7th grade, remember? 9 There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make every- thing you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done. 8 Her parting words lingered heavily inside me like last night's Taco Bell. 7 The bullet burned Gilmore's gut like the first piss after a long night in a Singapore brothel. 6 A single drop of sweat slowly inched down Chad's brow -- a tiny, glistening Times Square New Year's Eve Ball of desperation. 5 His .38 barked fire, like John Goodman's butt after a chili cookoff. 4 Her blazing eyes dance like Astaire and Rogers, but since they were crossed, it was an ocular tango, and my eyes had to foxtrot just to maintain eye contact. 3 She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy. 2 The neon sign reflected off his gun, like the moonlight reflects off my brother-in-law's bald head after a night of beer drinking and cow-tipping. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphor or Simile... 1 Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion, the pus of his fury streaking the mirror of calm in the bathroom of his life. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - -Amy Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - -Larry Dear GOD, If You watch me in shul on Saturday, I'll show You my new shoes. - -Mickey Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - -Nan Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - -Jane Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - -Love, Alison Dear GOD, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - -Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - -Anita Dear GOD, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - -Norma Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? - -Jan Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in shul. Is that okay? - -Neil Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - -Jane Dear GOD, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - -Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - -Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am) Dear GOD, Why are Children's services on Shabbat? I thought it was supposed to be a day of rest. - -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before You can look it up. - -Bruce Dear GOD, If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. - -Denise Dear GOD, If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - -Raphael Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha! Ha! - -Danny Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - -Tom Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - -Dean Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. - -Ruth M. Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - -Elliott Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. - -Rob Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He's just kidding, isn't he? - -Marsha Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in services they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna Dear GOD, The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - -Eddie Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - -Charles Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - -Eugene ======================================== A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?" ======================================== WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house. If you are having trouble with golf, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional golfer to show you how to improve your technique. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf. If your partner takes any pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you later become famous Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with. It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger you happen to meet at the golf course. You can put yourself through college on a golf scholarship and earn a varsity letter in golf. When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together. If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else. Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you golf by yourself. When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to worry if it's really an undercover cop. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf equipment. You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment. There's no such thing as a GTD (golf transmitted disease). If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel. Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life, then give up the game if your partner loses interest in golfing. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the purpose of golfing. Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?" ======================================== A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice." The woman replies, "He's a midget." ======================================== How Dogs and Men Are Alike =========================== 1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost. 2. Both take up too much space on the bed. 3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner. 4. Both are threatened by their own kind 5. Neither understands what people see in cats. 6. Both want dominance. 7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean. 8. Both chase cars. 9. The larger ones tend to drool. 10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. How Dogs Are Better Than Men =========================== 1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you are gone. 3. You can train a dog. 4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 5. Dogs understand what "NO" means. 6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. 7. When dogs play "fetch," they don't laugh at how you throw. 8. Dogs are color blind. 9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside. Why Dogs are Better Than Women =========================== 1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. 2. Dogs like beer. 3. Dogs don't hate their bodies. 4. Dogs don't criticize. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. Dogs never expect gifts. 7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had. 8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives. 9. You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hrs. a day. 10. Dogs don't cry. 11. Dogs love it when your friends come over. 12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. 13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late -- the later you are, the more excited they are to see you. 14. Anyone can get a good looking dog. 15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. 16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. 18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 20. A dog's parents never visit. ======================================== ================================================================== [ --== Top5 presents ==-- ] [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] ================================================================== We will never become a truly paper-less society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with "WipeMe 1.0." (Andy Pierson) The thing I hate most about being in the twenty-first century is having to use all these appliances which were made way back in the twentieth century. (Andy Pierson) =================================================================== [ Ruminations is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] ======================================== "Why Aren't You Married?" Snappy Comebacks 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. What? And spoil my great sex life? 4. Nobody would believe me in white. 5. Because I just love hearing this question. 6. Just lucky, I guess. 7. It gives my mother something to live for. 8. My fiancé is awaiting parole. 9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America. 10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? 11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 12. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it. 22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 23. Why aren't you thin? 24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. 25. (Bonus reply ... for single moms) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant. ======================================== To all my golfing buddies. It can't be warm enough soon! ODE TO GOLF In my hand I hold a ball, White and dimpled, rather small. Oh, how bland it does appear This harmless looking little sphere. By its size I could not guess The awesome strength it does possess; But since I fell beneath its spell I've wandered through the fires of Hell. My life has not been quite the same Since I chose to play this game. It rules my mind for hours on end. A fortune it has made me spend. It has made me curse and cry. I hate myself and want to die. It promises a thing called "par" If I can hit it straight and far. To master such a tiny ball Should not be very hard at all. But my desires the ball refuses And does exactly as it chooses. It hooks and slices..dribbles..dies Or disappears before my eyes. Often it will have a whim To hit a tree or take a swim. With miles of grass on which to land It finds a tiny patch of sand, Then has me offering up my soul If it will just drop in the hole. It's made me whimper like a pup, And swear that I will give it up And take to drink to ease my sorrow.. But "The Ball" knows... I'll be back ... tomorrow. ======================================== Women: 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube at 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Men: 1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, and hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in the process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard. 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11 and 15. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11 and buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty-hurry to find drain plug in back yard hole. 26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor. 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 28. Bang head on bumper in reaction. 29. Begin cussing fit. 30. Throw wrench. 31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 33. Beer. 34. Beer. 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer. 37. Lower car from jack stands 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands 39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26. 40. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change. ======================================== 1. Big companies do not do business via chain letters. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. There is not a deal from Gap or Old Navy. And certainly M&Ms aren't passing out free candy. MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the most people. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true." Furthermore, just because someone said in a message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit," does not actually make it true. 2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin. 3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on. 4. If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chainletter? 5. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm that an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with viruses. Try: http://www.sarc.com. And even then, don't forward it. We don't care. And you cannot get a virus from a flashing IM or email, you have to download ....ya know, like, a FILE! 6. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes headlights at another car driving at night without lights. 7. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway. 8. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the "" that begin each line either. Besides, if it has gone around that many times we've probably already seen it. 9. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little boy" either. 10. The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but they have had to establish a special toll free hot line in response to the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the important work they do. 11. If you are one of those insufferable idiots who forwards anything that "promises" something bad will happen if you "don't," then something bad will happen to you if I ever meet you in a dark alley. 12. Women really are suffering in Afghanistan, and PBS and NEA funding are still vulnerable to attack (although not at the present time) but forwarding an e-mail won't help either cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your local legislative representative, or get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross. As a general rule, e-mail "signatures" are easily faked and mean nothing to anyone with any power to do anything about whatever the competition is complaining about. (P.S. There is no bill pending before Congress that will allow long-distance companies to charge you for using the Internet.) Bottom Line... composing e-mail or posting something on the Net is as easy As writing on the walls of a public restroom. Don't automatically believe it until it's proven false... ASSUME it's false, unless there is proof that it's true. Now, forward this message to ten friends, and you will win the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes. When I was a teenager, Mom said I'd go blind if I didn't quit doing *that*. Maybe she was right -- since the invention of internet porn, computer monitors keep getting bigger and bigger. (Bill Ervin) =================================================================== From the Ruminations Archives... The reason "Dieting Makes You Fat!" is because it takes a whole pound of Godivas and a quart of milk to wash the taste of a single Slim-Fast drink out of your mouth. (Michelle Argabrite) =================================================================== [ Ruminations is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] ======================================== While vacationing in the hills of Arkansas, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town near-by and found only an old- fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!" ======================================== PENDLETON, Ind. (AP) -- Officials are considering changing the name of Pendleton Middle School or at least removing its initials from athletic uniforms to avoid embarrassment for its girls' teams. ======================================== A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender asks the man: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Nothing," the man responds, "this turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand here by me. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that my turtle will beat your dog to that end of the room." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall. "Told you it'd be there before your dog." ======================================== Today's history quiz: what year is it? The presidential candidate from Texas, backed by a powerful political machine, defeats his opponent, a conservative senator from Arizona. The loser, a former military fighter pilot who was shot down in the war, returns to the Senate. The winner of the Tuesday election shares his last name with a former president. Carlos Santana's latest album is on top of the charts. America mourns the sudden unexpected violent death last year of John F. Kennedy. Conspiracy theorists point out that the 'official' government explanation of his death does not match all of the facts. Is it: A: 1964 B: 2000 C: All of the above ======================================== At Sprint Corp., the only incident related to the date change happened around midnight on New Year's Eve in Atlanta, where a single aerial fiber-optic cable was severed by a gunshot, said Dennis Huber, vice president of network operations and systems management at Sprint, in Kansas City, MO. ======================================== Subject: Y2K Evaluation - Anonymous Y2K evaluation - The truly crazy headed for the hills with fortified bunkers and ammunition. The more cautious bought water and tinned food. Even the most optimistic drew some extra cash the week before. Everyone speculated about the outcome. But in the IT world, we worked. We checked code. We corrected code. We tested code. We rolled dates forward and backward and forward and backward until our nerves were paper-thin. We upgraded hardware. We upgraded operating systems (to cope with the new hardware). We upgraded compilers (to cope with the new operating systems). We modified more code (to cope with the new compilers). And then we began the cycle again of testing and rolling forward and testing and rolling backward. We initiated great, complex Y2k projects. We compiled project plans. We filled in endless forms about the state of our Y2k projects. We wrote monthly reports about the progress of the Y2k projects. We went to meetings where we were told how the future of the company depended on the Y2k project being completed in time. We dealt with panicked business people. We soothed troubled nerves at dinner parties. We were asked to predict the outcome by distant cousins who knew we were "in IT". We became overnight experts in the working of diesel generators, photocopiers, motor vehicles and washing machines. And, collectively, we averted the disaster. Like superman of old, the IT professionals of today managed to intercept nothing less than the end of the world. In an industry where projects run notoriously over the most pessimistic time estimates, we met the deadline. The clocks ticked over to the year 2000 with nothing more than minor hitches. And were they grateful? Did the world thank us and laud us as the heroes we quite clearly were? No! They turned around and called it "all hype". They questioned the money spent. We did our jobs so damned well that the only question remaining was whether there had been any need to do the job at all. So, to all those IT people out there who slaved away at the Y2k problems over the past few years, who endured the pressure of fearful but helpless managers; who lost endless sleep testing things at night because there wasn't a separate test machine; who canceled their December leave; who couldn't be in exotic places to welcome the start of the new millennium; who stayed sober on New Year's eve because they were on standby; who went to work on the 1st and the 2nd to boot up the machines - I say put your feet up, pat yourselves and each other on the back and go and get some much needed sleep with a smug smile on your face. We did it. The IT people across the planet are heroes - even if unsung ones. Like housework, what we do is not appreciated unless we don't do it. But like the housewives of old we go on doing it, knowing that it is good, honest, necessary work - and that it gives us inordinate power. So, my fellow programmers, system administrators, database administrators, operators, analysts and support staff - congratulations on a job well done. Ours may be the youngest profession on the planet, but this 21st century belongs to us. Anonymous ======================================== Morris wanted to get his beautiful, blonde wife Sherry something nice for their first wedding anniversary. He decided to buy her a cell phone. Their anniversary came and he gave Sherry the phone. She loved it. He explained to her all the features on the phone. The next day Sherry, the blonde, goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband Morris, "Hi hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?" "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?" ======================================== On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. ======================================== There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approached her brother and said, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" He said, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?" "You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?" "Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!" he exclaimed. "Well, are you taking somebody else out?" "You know I don't have a date, Sis." "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nodded. She continued, "So we should go with each other." The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he told his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he would take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolled around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother told his sister that he'd take her to the prom on Friday. At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he was standing at the punch bowl, his sister came up to him, "Hey, bro, let's dance." He looked around to make sure that nobody heard her, "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?" "Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?" "Oh . . . all right." So they danced a slow number. The rest of the prom passed and it was time to go. Both of them have had a good time. In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looked over at him and said, "I don't want to go straight home." He gave her a curious look and said, "What are we going to do instead?" "Oh, I don't know. Just drive around." He agreed, and after they had driven around a while, out in the country, she looked over at him again and said, "Want to find some place to park?" "Hell," he said, "Are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!" "Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us; how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?" So she finally talked her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looked over at him again. "Hey . . . " she said. "What?" "Why don't you kiss me?" "You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car. She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it." "Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind. "You know what," his sister replied. "I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot bigger than Dad." "I know," said her brother. "Mom told me." ======================================== The Top 17 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 17> You've got Windows on your laptop. 16> Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15> Your dork is ajar. 14> Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 13> I can see your Gap dancers. 12> Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 11> Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10> Elvis Junior has left the building! 9> Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8> Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7> Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant! 6> Lil' Shaq's at the free show line. 5> You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4> Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out. 3> You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2> I see you have an opening in senior management. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.. 1> Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game." And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man ga ined another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance. Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds. And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help. And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either. ======================================== Why Handguns Are Better Than Women 1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun. 2. You can trade a .44 for two .22's. 3. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road. 4. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it. 5. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. 6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo. 7. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 8. Handguns function normally every day of the month. 9. A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?" 10. A handgun does'nt mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it. 11. You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems. 12. A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is. 13. A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger." ======================================== Q: What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A: A Klondyke. =========== Q: What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? A: Militia Etheridge. ======================================== A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir-fry dinner? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then," she says, "Would you mind getting off me, already? I'm f*cking STARVING!!!" ======================================== Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John what are you so happy for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!" The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either: screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable BRUNETTE came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave! She had a great BIG dick, Dave, and I CAN'T SWIM!" ======================================== Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slowly." ======================================== On the heels of their victory against Microsoft, the DOJ has announced they plan to "break-up" Tiger Woods. DOJ's lead prosecutor, Joel Klein, claims Tiger uses unfair golfing techniques which stifle his competition. Klein also stated that he doesn't necessarily want to "break-up" Tiger Woods; however, if they can't find some way to handicap him enough to allow other golfers to win then there would be no other choice. Under a break-up plan Tiger Woods would have to play half his tournaments as "Tiger" and the other half as "Woods". Although this may not give other golfers an advantage it would increase the tax revenue to the government. Tiger Woods said he plans to fight these charges. He has done nothing wrong except practice hard and play-to-win. Mark Fitzpatrick, anti-trust expert, said, "This "play-to-win" attitude is what started all Tiger's problems. If Tiger would just allow other's to win he would not have a monopoly on the golf course. He really brought this upon himself. He should have known the government couldn't allow this much golfing power in the hands of just one person. If I was Tiger, I would settle out of court. An appropriate remedy might be that he has to wear handcuffs when driving and stand on one foot while putting. ======================================== The Top 16 Signs Oil Companies are Intentionally Screwing Consumers [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 16> Full service stations now offer home-equity loans for SUV owners. 15> Air for your tires? 25 cents per minute. Air for breathing? 50 cents per minute. 14> Ed Begley, Jr.'s electric car found in the middle of the Mojave Desert with "Charge THIS!" painted on the side. 13> They insist that the new expensive secret additive is "love." 12> A fill-up comes with your choice of a stick of butter, a plunger handle, or the DVD of "Deliverance." 11> Shell's new slogan: "Shell It Out, Baby!" 10> Who cares? We Americans learned our lesson in the '70s and now drive only small, gas-friendly econo-cars! 9> "Sorry, sir, but the price of unleaded has gone up 15 cents per gallon since you started filling up." 8> New pump nozzle design is "ribbed for her pleasure." 7> In a marketing move cleverly designed to make gas prices appear lower, Texaco announces a new unit of measure known as "the thimble." 6> New Mobil ad: "Do greedy, unscrupulous bastards really fleece helpless consumers? People do." 5> Shell, BP, and Texaco announce a miraculous new fuel additive: Collusionol 4> Instructions on pump now read, "Bend Over, insert nozzle in rectum." 3> Tankers ordered to purposely run ashore because executives "just wanted to hear the sound." 2> Petroleum fuel prices: UP Petroleum jelly prices: DOWN and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Oil Companies are Intentionally Screwing Consumers... 1> That's no typo -- the sign says "Pay at the Pimp" and they mean it. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Dear Earthling, Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this text file. As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass me on to someone else because I'm really horny. ======================================== A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?" The little boy replied, "Nah, that's too old fashioned"..... "Spit out your gum, I want to play President." ======================================== A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was alive or dead. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?" she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise. "You know, I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move." ======================================== An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink, but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home, the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim." ======================================== [An open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger ...] =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. ======================================== NOTE FROM CHRIS: According to Reuters news service, hundreds of prostitutes convened in Berlin recently and compared notes on their profession in order to improve the lot of sex workers worldwide. Topics of speeches and seminars ran from advice on condoms to healthcare and pensions. The Top 15 Things Overheard at the Prostitute Conference [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> "Room 714... yes, Ma'am... red light bulbs... right away, Ma'am." 14> "Shhhh! They're giving Divine Brown an honorary doctorate." 13> "Hey, it *is* a repetitive stress injury! Friggin' HMO's." 12> "No sick leave, no pension, no workers comp. Honey, I don't know how to put this delicately: you're getting screwed." 11> "I don't want 'Fleiss' on the name tag -- make me one that says 'Heidi-Ho'." 10> "Sure, I could give an oral presentation, but it'll cost you extra." 9> "Have you been over to the Pimp Booth yet? They're giving out free black eyes!" 8> "Say, who do you have to screw around here to get a drink?" 7> "Here come those Arkansas State Troopers again." 6> "And the Johnny for best performance by a hooker in a supporting role goes to..." 5> "Today's lecture is by Trixie: '401k Plans vs. Counting on Big Roy to Take Care of You.'" 4> "Please welcome our keynote speaker, Mr. Charlie Sheen!" 3> "What a coincidence -- my daddy's in politics, too!" 2> "Just look at the way she dresses -- of *course* Mariah Carey is one of us!" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Prostitute Conference... 1> "Well, I think that a open-ended, tax-based pension structure would be more feasible at this juncture and damn, does my crotch itch!" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Subject: Latin Lessons Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat. It's not the heat, it's the humidity. Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit! God, look at the time! My wife will kill me! Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt. When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults. Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum. Garbage in, garbage out. Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse. I think we're on the same wavelength. Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est. The designated hitter rule has got to go. Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me. Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem. In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags. Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris. If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar. Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione. I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult. (At a poetry reading) Nullo metro compositum est. It doesn't rhyme. Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema. I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem. Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri? How do you get your hair to do that? Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui. Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it. Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt. You know, the Romans invented the art of love. (At a barbeque) Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri? Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face? (Man to wife en route to a chariot race) Neutiquam erro. I am not lost. Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero? Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it? Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati When All Else Fails, Play Dead Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur. Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out. ======================================== The Top 20 Martha Stewart Household Tips for Dumb People [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 20> Quick-dry plaster + friggin' cats that keep crapping on the rug = instant bookends! 19> Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you're really running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you! 18> Sex isn't nearly as disgusting when you use a hand-knitted penis cozy. 17> To know when to change to the next square of toilet paper, label them with consecutive days of the week. 16> A simple turkey baster can also be used to remove those pesky beans lodged in your ear canal. 15> Don't discard used toothpicks -- simply glue on some belly button lint and you'll never pay for Q-tips again. 14> A wreath of dirty underwear is great for repelling mosquitoes! 13> Freeze some urine in a Mrs. Butterworth's bottle, then break the glass for an ice sculpture that'll have your guests talking! 12> Nail bars of soap to the bottom of your shoes and hose down the kitchen floor and you've just created your own indoor Olympic skatin' rink! 11> In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice. 10> BayWatch videos can help get those flabby forearms in shape. 9> Always buy two pairs of the same socks; that way, if you lose a sock, you have two replacements. 8> An activity as simple as counting will help to ensure that your "Top 5" list did not actually exceed five items. 7> Duct taping the baby to a ceiling fan after meals makes for a lively game of "Dodge the Chunks!" 6> Fill up those holes in the bathroom tile grout with Mother Nature's own sealant: snot! 5> Adding sprigs of baby's breath behind the ears of a loved one's corpse is sure to lift everyone's spirits during the funeral. 4> A dead dog makes an excellent door stop -- for a while. 3> While the common method of flushing a dead fish down the toilet can be sad for the kids, putting the aquarium snail down the garbage disposal makes an interesting sound that can be enjoyed by all. 2> In the fall, you can sew leaves back onto your trees to delay the onset of winter. and TopFive.com's Number 1 Martha Stewart Household Tip for Dumb People... 1> With a Hefty 40-gallon trash can liner and cable tie-wrap, you'll have grandma's daily colostomy bags changes down to once a month. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== NOTE FROM CHRIS: A federal judge has ordered Microsoft to split into two separate companies -- one for the Windows operating system, and another for their Office suite and other software. Microsoft has vowed to appeal. As the geeks we are here at TopFive, we think this situation merits a longer-than-usual list... The Top 20 Arguments in Microsoft's Appeal [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 20> Your Honor, all of our arguments have been posted on www.judgeswifenaked.com. 19> But I appeared in a commercial wearing a sweater! Would an evil overlord of an industry-crippling monopoly appear on TV wearing a *sweater*? 18> Okay, let me get this straight: You're saying you want us to have *two* monopolies instead of one?!? 17> Her first name ain't Baby, it's Janet -- Miss Reno if you're nasty! 16> Continue with this foolishness, mortal, and I will be forced to unleash the vengeance of my 500-foot metal battle-robot, Mechasoft! 15> This court has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. [Close] [Details] 14> Splitting the company would leave the whole world domination thing wide open for Oprah. 13> Our reasons for appealing this judgement are myriad and a bit complicated to explain because you people are -- no offense -- WAY too stupid to understand. 12> Isn't anyone at all concerned that McDonalds sells breakfast AND lunch? 11> Once we start splitting, there'll be no end to it. We'll continue multiplying and dominating every market we enter. Beware the tribble factor!! 10> We've got fifteen million reasons to throw out this case -- in small, unmarked bills. 9> Divestiture will restrict the free flow of pornography guaranteed to all Americans by the Bill of Rights. 8> If Windows and our applications can't work together, the system may become unstable and prone to crashing... Ha!! Just a little humor, Your Honor!! 7> Let me explain it this way, Your Honor: as part of Microsoft's endless commitment to serving the needs of its users, we track all traffic to www.humongous-asses.com. Do you catch my drift, gavelman778? 6> Lay off or the animated paperclip gets it! 5> We've begun the split, Your Honor, by appointing Donato the head of one company and Marisleysis the head of the other. 4> Immunity from prosecution was clearly stipulated in Mr. Gates's blood contract with Satan. 3> A split would force Microsoft to release some of its geeks back into the wild, making America 90% less sexy. 2> Mr. Gates agrees to remove the helmet, breathing apparatus and cape, and refrain from strangling or hurling heavy equipment at his adversaries. In exchange, he gets to keep the Death Star. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Argument in Microsoft's Appeal... 1> Two companies would mean Melinda would have to sleep with Bill twice each year to retain her stock options. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Movie Ratings Explained G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl. R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl. X: Everybody Gets The Girl. XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel. ======================================== NOTE FROM CHRIS: The new hit show on TV here in the U.S. is "Survivor", in which a group of people are left on a deserted island and compete to see who will be the last one to remain. The Top 14 Reasons You're the Least Popular Survivor on Your Desert Island [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 14> Your Mr. T impression gets old after the first five minutes. 13> The women aren't buying your repeated assertions that semen protects them against snakebites. 12> You're always asking your island mates, "Does this palm frond make my ass look big?" 11> You use your gourmet cooking skills to make dog food stuffed rat, garnished with maggots -- and nobody likes a show-off. 10> Somebody keeps hocking loogies in your grubworm casserole. 9> The coconut shell bra has its place -- but that place is not on the body of a 6'4", 300-lb. programmer named Max. 8> You chopped down the island's only citrus tree to make room for your putt-putt golf course. 7> You insist on being called "Ginger" -- even though your name is Tim. 6> Not only are you over the age limit dictated by viewer demographics, everyone is really getting annoyed at you for using your Swiss Army dentures to crack open coconuts, cut down trees, and gut fish. 5> Your irritating catch phrase: "Well excuse ME, Robinson Crusoe." 4> Your habit of overdoing it with the paprika is ruining the subtle taste of cooked rat. 3> You invented a coconut phone -- only to spend hours placing telemarketing calls to the other survivors. 2> Your "coconut cream pie" specialty is nothing more than whipped seagull poop. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason You're the Least Popular Survivor on Your Island... 1> Your favorite campfire song just happens to be "It's a Small World." [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT POOP What is poop made of? ============================================ About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. Of course, this value is highly variable - the water content of diarrhea is much higher, and the amount of water in poop that has been retained (voluntarily or otherwise) is lower. Water is absorbed out of fecal material as it passes through the intestine, so the longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be. Of the remaining portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. These microcorpses come from the intestinal garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Another 1/3 of the turd mass is made of stuff that we find indigestible, like cellulose, for instance. This indigestible material is called "fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein. Why does poop stink? ============================================ Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce smelly, sulfur-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor. Why is poop brown? ============================================ The color comes mainly from bilirubin, a pigment that arises from the breakdown of red blood cells in the liver and bone marrow. The actual metabolic pathway of bilirubin and its byproducts in the body is very complicated, so we will simply say that a lot of it ends up in the intestine, where it is further modified by bacterial action. But the color itself comes from iron. Iron in hemoglobin in red blood cells gives blood its red color, and iron in the waste product bilirubi gives rise to its brown color. What other colors of poop are possible? ============================================ Poop is mostly shades of brown or yellow, but other colors can arise under certain circumstances. For example, someone with a bleeding ulcer might have tarry black poop from the presence of partially digested blood. Bleeding in the intestine, from an anal fissure or split, for example, can stain the poop red. Some illnesses in babies give them green or even blue-green poop. But another source of blue poop in children is more innocent: it can come from eating a concentrated source of blue food coloring such as ice cream. Intense red food coloring can produce bright red poop. Sometimes brightly colored foods pass through the gut almost unchanged, and the turd may be speckled with bright red fragments such as pimentos, or bright yellow kernels of corn. One can experience white poop after consuming a barium milkshake for the purposes of getting an x-ray of the upper gastrointestinal tract. Why do dogs eat poop? ============================================ Many animals eat poop on a regular basis. These include rabbits, rodents, gorillas, many insects such as dung beetles and flies, and yes, dogs. (Keep that in mind the next time a dog wants to lick you!) Herbivores such as rabbits and rodents eat their own poop because their diet of plants is hard to digest efficiently, and they have to make two passes at it to get everything out of the meal. This is equivalent to a cow chewing its cud; only cows are able to re-eat their food without having to poop it out first. Another reason why animals eat poop is that poop contains vitamins produced by their intestinal bacteria. The animal is unable to absorb the vitamins through the intestinal wall, but can get at them by eating the poop. Another reason that animals such as dogs eat poop is that poop contains a certain amount of protein. Dogs are particularly fond of cat poop because cat poop is high in protein. I had a friend with a dog and a cat, and he never had to clean the kitty litter. The dog took care of it. Are there people who eat poop? ============================================ Yes, we all have, at one point or another. One of the main ways that diseases and parasites spread is through the consumption of food and water contaminated with feces. This happens because people don't wash their hands carefully after pooping or changing a diaper or scratching their butt. It can also happen through careless disposal of diapers. Our microbiologist here on Guam says that one dirty diaper in Tumon Bay can send the bacteria count through the ceiling. But of course, what you want to know is, are there people who eat poop on purpose? Again, the answer is yes. Some autistic children practice coprophagy, the ingestion of feces. Coprophagy is also listed as an unusual sexual practice in the encyclopedia of that name. I have known only one person who ate poop on purpose, and she only did it once, when she was about four years old. She says she was curious about what it tasted like. When asked what poop does taste like, she replies, "About like you'd expect." By the way, for all of you who are wondering, the author of this page does NOT eat poop. Can you get sick from eating poop? ============================================ Yes, you can definitely get sick from eating poop, even in minute quantities! Although urine emerges sterile from the body (unless the person has an infection), poop emerges loaded with bacteria and sometimes other life forms. Many diseases, including food poisoning, cholera and typhus, are spread by fecal contamination. Many parasites, such as the notorious tapeworm, can be spread through deliberate or accidental ingestion of poop. There are some parasites, such as pinworms, which depend on people eating their own poop to keep the population up. Pinworms are small nematodes that live in the colon. The females emerge from the anus at night to lay their eggs. Their activity makes the anal area itch. The person scratches the itch (often doing so in his sleep), procuring a small amount of fecal matter and eggs under his fingernails, and then puts his fingers in his mouth. Once the eggs are consumed, the person is infected with a new generation of pinworms. I have read that almost everyone has pinworms. Luckily, pinworms don't do much harm. You only notice them if you have a lot of pinworms! If you want to find out if you do indeed have them, get someone to gently touch around your anal area with Scotch tape while you are sleeping. The worms will stick to the tape and you'll be able to see them. Do most people wipe their leftover poop standing up or while sitting on the pot, and are there gender differences? ============================================ This isn't really scientific, but I did a quick survey, and everyone asked (including both males and females) said that they wipe sitting down. There was even a reason provided: that sitting down spreads the cheeks apart and makes access easier. This survey was done on Guam, and Guam is technically part of the United States, and most people here probably use American toilet habits. However, if you travel a bit, you will discover that people deal with leftover poop in different ways in other parts of the world. In Europe, for example, that water fountain in the bathroom isn't for drinking. It's a bidet for hosing off after using the toilet. In Southeast Asia, you don't sit on the toilet at all. The toilet is a low, porcelain-lined trench, and the user squats over it. Next to the toilet is a bin of water. You scoop water out of the bin with your left hand and use that to cleanse yourself. You aren't supposed to use your left hand for any other purpose. How come when you eat corn, no matter how much you chew it, you poop it out in whole kernels? ============================================ Corn poop is one of the greatest mysteries in life. I grew up pondering the same question. This is what I think is happening: When we chew corn, the outer coating slips off the inner kernel. This outer yellow coating is almost entirely cellulose, and is indigestible. It passes through the gut untouched, and emerges looking like a whole kernel, although it is mostly just the outer skin. The inside of the kernel is starchy and digestible, and that is the part that we succeed in chewing up. Is there any way to prevent corn from getting in your poop? ============================================ I know of only one way - don't eat corn! How does poop stay together, like in links? ============================================ In humans, soft poop is really one long, mostly continuous sausage before it comes out. It gets its "link" look because we tend to pinch off lengths of it with the anal sphincter as the poop emerges. If a person pinches hard enough, the poop separates into several turd units. If the person doesn't pinch that hard, the turds may stay connected. If you can remain sufficiently relaxed, you can produce an awesomely long poop that will coil up inside the toilet. Why does some poop float? ============================================ Floaters are turds that have an unusually high gas content. Sometimes the gases produced by bacteria in our gut don't have a chance to collect into a large fart bubble, but remain dispersed in the feces. The poop then comes out foamy, and has a lower density than water. What causes the burning sensation sometimes associated with poop? ============================================ This is generally caused by a recent meal of hot peppers or related spices. The oils associated with these foods remain intact and active all the way through one's gastrointestinal system. These oils can also generate hot farts. Why does some poop hurt when it comes out? ============================================ Turds can get very large and dry if a person is constipated, causing painful stretching of the anal opening. Pooping can also hurt if the person has hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids are engorged veins in the anal area. A doctor once described them to me as "varicose veins of the anus," which suggests that the valves in the veins that are supposed to keep the blood flowing in the right direction have gotten messed up. Pooping can also be painful if the person suffers from an anal fissure, a tear in the tissue of the rectum ======================================== The Top 15 Bad Ways to Celebrate World Environment Day [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> Lemur kabobs for everyone! 14> Set up a booth at the nearest mall called "The Wonderful World of Natural Fertilizer." 13> Issue a proclamation thanking lesser-developed nations for their unquestioning acceptance of leaky metal oil drums. 12> Same as always -- watchin' the game, drinkin' a Bud. 11> Barbecue some California Condor wings and Snow Tiger steaks over a Styrofoam cup bonfire. 10> Have a swim in the water tank like those hotties from "Petticoat Junction." 9> Use Quaker State, Jack Daniels and some pigeons to perform a re-creation of the Exxon Valdez disaster in the town fountain. 8> Forget the hug -- give that maple in your backyard some hot monkey love. 7> Spray-paint a giant mural depicting the loss of the ozone layer. 6> Release Linda Tripp back into the wild. 5> Bring attention to the issue of erosion by cutting the bands holding back Cher's face. 4> Left hand: weed whacker; Right hand: leaf blower. 3> Stay up all night doing Jaegermeister shots with Captain Hazelwood. 2> Observe a moment of silence before re-filling your new Ford Behemoth SUV's gas tank. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Way to Celebrate World Environment Day... 1> 800 cans of hairspray. One senior prom. Any questions? [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Subject: CAT HAIKU You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. That will sure show you. You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, elevated butt. The rule for today Touch my tail, I shred your hand. New rule tomorrow. In deep sleep hear sound cat vomit hairball somewhere will find in morning. Grace personified. I leap into the window. I meant to do that. Blur of motion, then -- silence, me, a paper bag. What is so funny? The mighty hunter Returns with gifts of plump birds -- your foot just squashed one. You're always typing. Well, let's see you ignore my sitting on your hands. My small cardboard box. You cannot see me if I can just hide my head. Terrible battle. I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a 'term paper'? Small brave carnivores Kill pine cones and mosquitoes Fear vacuum cleaner I want to be close to you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit? Wanna go outside. Oh, shit! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside! Oh no! Big One has been trapped by newspaper! Cat to the rescue! Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in bed, then screams My claws are not that sharp. Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much!" The Big Ones snore now Every room is dark and cold Time for "Cup Hockey" We're almost equals I purr to show I love you Want to smell my butt? ======================================== Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I just had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, Joanna, it's OK." smiled the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first argument!" "I know, I know!" wailed Joanna. "But what am I gonna do with the body?" ======================================== Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?" ======================================== AMHERST, MA--Researchers at the University of Massachusetts released a surprising new study Monday indicating that, contrary to long-held beliefs about its destructive effects, collegiate binge drinking is a fucking blast. "Data collected at bars and fraternity parties on the UMass campus has yielded unexpected conclusions with regard to the practice of binge drinking," study head Dr. Albert Greaves said. "Over the course of our research, a consistent pattern emerged demonstrating that binge drinking seriously kicks ass." "There was this one bar called The Depot, where they serve beer in these humongous three-foot glasses that are like giant boots," Greaves continued. "You have to stand back and tilt the thing to drink it all. Our team conducted an experiment to see who could finish one off the fastest. Myself, Dr. Milton Laurian and these eight 20-year-old test subjects lined up against a wall and started chugging away. After completing the test and subsequently throwing up all over the place, I could only conclude that downing huge-ass boot beers is really awesome." Added Greaves: "That was the best fucking study." The 250-page report comes as a surprise to the many medical researchers who had previously found binge drinking to have a host of negative effects. A 1996 Johns Hopkins University study concluded that binge drinking is a destructive scourge on college campuses that can lead to alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual assault and alcohol poisoning. But in the wake of the UMass study, the Johns Hopkins researchers and others have been forced to revise their conclusions. "It appears that our study would have benefited greatly from first-hand observation of the binge-drinking phenomenon," said Dr. Caroline Worsted of Johns Hopkins. "Our failure to go out and collect primary data at bars and off-campus house parties until all hours of the night skewed our findings, preventing us from accurately measuring just how much fun it is to get ripped." According to Greaves, much of the UMass team's research was conducted at a party at this one guy Matt's place. "My colleagues and I were doing beer bongs, keg-stands, Jell-O shots, Jager shots--you name it," Greaves said. "We were totally binge drinking and just having a great fucking time. The best part was the crowd--the study was packed, and there was this amazing random sampling of hot chicks. I was so drunk, I couldn't figure out what the source of the unusually large hot-chick sample was, but by that point, I really didn't care." When the keg was tapped, Greaves and his team went looking for a place to gather more data. "We heard there was this awesome study on Church Street, but we didn't have the address, so we just went wandering around," Greaves said. "We eventually wound up walking into this complete other study where we didn't know anyone. Unfortunately, it turned out to be totally lame--most of the people there were in the non-drinking control group. We had fun for a little while busting on them, but pretty soon we split." Among the UMass team's findings: A 10-ounce serving of Jack Daniels can be consumed 30 percent faster when accompanied by shouts of "Go! Go! Go! Go!"; the bathroom at The Lightning Lounge is a popular place to throw up; and when Dr. Andrew Schmid drinks five Long Island iced teas, he lies down in the street and starts singing the chorus to The Dream Academy's "Life In A Northern Town" at the top of his lungs. "Dr. Schmid is what we scientists term a fucking booze monster," team member Dr. James Podriewski said. "This one time, we needed a whole bunch of Wild Turkey and tonic water for a study that was just getting going at midnight, so we sent him out to this store that's open until 2 a.m., and we're waiting for, like, hours until he finally comes back, and he doesn't have any of the stuff, but he's carrying this big fucking railroad-crossing sign, and he's all like, 'Guys, check out the sign I found.' It was funny as shit. I swear, I was laughing so hard, I almost left a urine sample all over my pants." Podriewski, addressing reporters in front of a massive pyramid of empty laboratory beakers, called the study "a major success." "That was seriously the best study I've ever done," Podriewski said. "I don't know what those New England Journal Of Medicine people were talking about when they did that 1996 study in conjunction with the Department of Education that found binge drinking to be even more dangerous and destructive than previously believed. As far as I could tell, binge drinking rules." ======================================== NOTE FROM CHRIS: A recent story from the Reuters new service said: "The owners of the copyrights to some of America's most popular holiday songs sued a musical production company on Tuesday for selling such lewd tunes as 'Rudolph the Deep Throat Reindeer' and 'Frosty the Pervert.'" Of course, TopFive's contributors couldn't resist coming up with a few of their own (no pun intended). An X-rated list on this same topic is available to our ClubTop5 members. For info on how to join, go to http://www.topfive.com/html/ClubTop5.htm The Top 14 Lewd Holiday Songs [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 14> A Lay In a Manger 13> Oh Tanned Bum, Oh Tanned Bum 12> Hot Breasts, Ye Merry Gentleman! 11> Sniffy, The Red-Assed Christmas Baboon 10> Messiah's Handle 9> I Saw Mommy Whipping Santa Claus 8> Hump! The Horny Angels Schwing 7> O Christmas Tree... Oh, yes... Oh, yes... YES!! YES!!!! 6> The Little Hummer Boy 5> God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen -- For 20 Minutes, Then We Shoot the 3-Way 4> Pet it Slow, Pet it Slow, Pet it Slow 3> O Little Town of S&M 2> Grandma Got Bent Over By A Reindeer and Topfive.com's Number 1 Lewd Holiday Song... 1> Frosty the SheMan [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== The golfer was having a terrible day. Finlly arriving at the 18th tee, which faced a large water hazard he gazed at it doubtfully, turned to his caddy and said,"Take my clubs, they're yours. I'm just going to walk into that water and drown my self." The caddy, just as disgustedly replied, "You won't drown. You can't keep your head down long enough." ======================================== A mother, frustrated at her attempts to get any house work done with her 8 year old son constantly underfoot, handed him a bag of M&M's and told him to go outside and play. An hour or so later, having finished the housework, she went to the window to check on her son, to find him sitting on the front steps, the bag of M&M's in one hand and the cat in the other. Curious as to what he was doing, she decided to watch for a minute, only to see her sweet little 8 year old pop a couple of M&M's in his mouth, bite the cat and move down a step. Heading for the door to yell at him and ask him just what the hell he was doing, she saw him repeat the process: Pop a couple of M&M's in his mouth, bite the cat and move down another step. She finally made it out the door and, yelling at her son, asked him what he was doing, to which he replied in his sweet little 8 year old voice, "I'm playin' trucker, mommy! Poppin' pills, eatin' pussy and movin' on!!". ======================================== The Top 15 Least Popular Summer Festivals [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> Mayer, Minnesota Ass-Photocopying Days 14> Agoraphobiapalooza 13> The Gay, Black, Atheists for Bush Electric-Car Gun Control Convoy to the Republican National Convention 12> Santa Fe Three-Day Restroomless Chili Cook-Off 11> Uncle Creamy's Pants Parade 10> Gary, Indiana What-The-Hell-Were-We-Thinking-Moving-Here Days 9> The Kansas "Worlds Of Darwin" Science Carnival 8> Annual AARP Bikini Festival 7> Liverpool's Blokes-Who-Kinda-Look-Something-Like-Ringo Festival 6> Bourbon Street Chastity & Sobriety Fest 2000 5> The Provo NoBoozaPalooza 4> Techstock 3> Big-Hairy-Dudes-In-Speedos BulgeFest 2> The Martin Lawrence Fully Insulated 10K Race and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least Popular Summer Festival... 1> Robert Downey, Jr.'s "Shakespeare in the Pen" Festival [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'. He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese." No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right? Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one." ======================================== This bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," say the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. After pausing for a while to think, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" exclaims the bloke. "No," replies the vet, "Because he's heavy." ======================================== The National Rifle Association announced last week that it plans to open a theme store in Times Square. "Imagine a new, exciting, total shooting sports and sporting goods experience," said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre. "Try to picture several thousand square feet of NRA branded merchandise, plus shooting, and outdoor recreation products." Of course, we couldn't let an opportunity like this pass us by. Look how much fun we had last time we did an NRA Topic: http://www.topfive.com/nra.html The Top 17 Things Overheard at the NRA's New Theme Store/Restaurant [ Please address hate mail to: yousuck@topfive.com ] [ Please address love mail to: yourule@topfive.com ] 17> "What do you mean you don't have any larger than life-sized photos of Charlton Heston?!?" 16> "C'mon, kids! Step right up and play 'Pop a Cap in the Donkey!'" 15> "Betty! Take a shot of me in front of the Second Amendment display. NO!! With the camer---" 14> "OK, this is a stick-up!! Don't anybody mov... uh, oh." 13> "I wish you hadn't done that, boy -- the people who work here are on our side." 12> "Yikes. Those sawed-off shotgun drinking fountains take a little getting used to." 11> "Attention shoppers, please keep your wallets out of sight. Some NYPD officers have entered the store, and you DON'T want to alarm them." 10> "Would you like a bag of cold, dead fingers to go with that?" 9> "Whaddaya mean, 'cash or credit card'? Just because some criminals write bad checks, you're going to punish a decent, law-abiding check-writer like me?" 8> "EVERYONE HIT THE DECK!!!! Oops... False alarm -- it's just our new popcorn machine." 7> "A Pokemon model .357 magnum? You don't even play with the Scooby-Doo .45 you have now!" 6> "Sorry. Thought he was a deer." 5> "Our cheeseburger special won't kill you -- the cholesterol will kill you!" 4> "Cleanup in aisle 5! Bleeding liberal pansy in aisle 5!" 3> "How the heck did they get Bill Clinton's face on those urinal cakes?" 2> "Sit still, Grandma! How else do ya expect me to shoot that there beer can off'n yer head?" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the NRA's New Theme Store/Restaurant... 1> "Ever notice that the Target store across the street is always empty?" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== According to one estimate, more than 40 million users were hit by the "I Love You" virus, followed by the "I Like You As A Friend" virus and later the even more damaging "We Need To Talk" virus. ======================================== The Top 15 Euphemisms for "Breaking Wind" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> Humming the theme from "Mr. Bean" 14> Entering the sphincter chat room 13> Summarizing the presidential debates 12> Dancing Mambo No. CH4 11> "Did Somebody Say 'McDonalds?'" 10> Singin' like Britney 9> Answering the call of the wild burrito 8> Starting a controlled burn in my pants 7> Having a Hallmark Methane Moment 6> Guaranteeing that the cute guy in Marketing will stick his head in your office to say hello 3 seconds later 5> Steam-pressing the Calvins 4> Testing in the Levi Wind Tunnel 3> Exhuming the dinner corpse 2> Pitching a UPN sitcom and Topfive.com's Number 1 Euphemism for "Breaking Wind"... 1> Quoting John Rocker [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== A young hillbilly goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to the druggist and asks, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?" The druggist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?" "Sure do," came the reply. "They keep you from getting venereal diseases." "OK," said the druggist. "Do you know what the ribs are for?" The young man thought for a minute, then looked at the druggist and replied, "Well, not exactly. But they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up." ======================================== As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a blonde was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!" ======================================== How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #)#(*(*^*&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS.. That's how many. ======================================== As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?" "Mommy, where's my booger?" ======================================== The Top 15 New State Mottos (Part II) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> Nebraska: The "N" is for "Knowledge!" 14> Oklahoma: We're like the Canada of TX! 13> Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next! 12> Washington: Come for the Protests -- Stay for the Coffee! 11> West Virginia: Got Teeth? 10> Tennessee: The Darwin State 9> Mississippi: We're Hard-on Crime 8> Utah: Now open 7 days a week. 7> Puerto Rico: Ready to Screw Up 40 Years of Flag Symmetry 6> California: Caution: Large Fake Breasts On Board! 5> Florida: We make the US look like it's pissing on Cuba. 4> Alaska: Colder Than a Witch's Tit -- and Prettier, Too! 3> Florida: So close, you can smell Fidel. 2> Kansas: We aren't all that crazy about Newton and his "gravity", either. and Topfive.com's Number 1 New State Motto... 1> Colorado: Now 100% John Denver free! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Recently a federal appeals court ruled that Ohio's state motto, "With God, all things are possible," was unconstitutional because it amounts to a government endorsement of Christianity. The Top 15 New State Mottos (Part I) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> Arkansas: It's Trailer-rific!!! 14> South Carolina: Oh, yeah -- like *we're* going to be concerned about an NAACP tourism boycott. 13> Florida: Half a Million Cubans Can't All Be Wrong 12> Illinois: Stop pronouncing the "S", or we're gonna kick your ass! 11> Wisconsin: Badgers?! We don't need no stinkin' badgers. 10> Kentucky: Come for the Bluegrass -- Stay for the Incest! 9> Rhode Island: Small? Yes, But We Know What To Do With It 8> Iowa: Future Birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk 7> South Dakota: Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hey! Over here! 6> Alabama: Like the third world, but closer. 5> Michigan: It's not just cold. It's ass-biting cold. 4> Florida: Hey you kids, get off of my state! 3> Virginia: Contrary to our name, some of our women are actually pretty slutty! 2> Massachusetts: Now with 30% fewer Kennedys! and Topfive.com's Number 1 New State Motto... 1> Indiana: Dan Quayle's Favorite Country! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Here are the better of the jokes relating to the recent ILOVEYOU virus. These are jokes which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed. = = = = = = = From: atl@sgi.com (Tony Laundrie) Subject: All we need is love I recently got this email: } From: Matthew Barker at SGI } Subject: I don't love you and this is not a joke This is a virus that works on the honor system: For those Unix & Linux fanatics who're feeling left out, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random. And if you just want something to click on, try clicking there ---> MS_SUX.vbs = = = = = = = From: stevem@cs.ualberta.ca (Steve MacDonald) Subject: ILOVEYOU Virus Mutation From the end of an e-mail message I sent out, after I received the ILOVEYOU virus for the fourth time: Oh, wait, a new e-mail message says it loves me. I'd best open all of its attachments... Uh oh. It just downloaded a Metallica song from Napster. Bugger. = = = = = = = From: tomlasusa@yahoo.com (Tom LaSusa) Subject: The "I love you virus" mutates? After yesterday's worldwide strike of the "I LOVE YOU VIRUS", reports are already coming in that the virus is mutating into several stages. Within the next few hours, expect to see: The original "I love you" virus The "I like you alot" virus The "You're nice, but I just want to be friends" virus The "Look, it was just a date...don't get clingy" virus The "Okay, I think its best if we don't have anymore contact" virus The "It was late, I was drunk, you were easy" virus The "Stop calling me, you unfeeling prick" virus The "That's it, I hate you and your stupid dog" virus and finally, The "You have made an enemy today, prepare to be boarded" virus [By Tom LaSusa, Senior Editor, Byte.com/Webtools.com and Ethan Welkes, Senior Producer, WinMag.com] = = = = = = = From: jonarose.jaffe@tufts.edu (JonaRose Jaffe) Organization: Program for Educational Change Agents Subject: Operator, Operator! The "I Love You" virus disrupted services in offices across the world, forcing companies to disconnect their computers from the outside world. These shutdowns caused communication glitches among those who rely on email to work. The New York Times reported (in "A Rogue Software Program Attacks Computers Worldwide," 5/5/00): "AT&T started shutting down its e-mail system yesterday morning, and by 3 p.m. the company's 145,000 employees had to use telephones to communicate." = = = = = = = From: lee@piclab.com (Lee Daniel Crocker) Subject: Programming language truth in advertising Since the outbreak of the "ILOVEYOU" worm, the engineers at my employer have started calling the programming language involved "Microsoft Viral Basic". = = = = = = = From: chip_aucoin@hotmail.com (Chip Aucoin) Subject: next time use protection A friend mentioned this to me today, "Isn't it just my luck. Some stranger says to me, "I LOVE YOU" and next thing I know, I've got this virus..." = = = = = = = From: aurienne@webpixie.com (April) Subject: [song parody] Hellow, ILOVEYOU }From: Switchboard "Hello, ILOVEYOU" by Christopher Gillen Hello, ILOVEYOU, what a strange thing to send Hello, ILOVEYOU, I thought you were a friend Hello, ILOVEYOU, an attachment you say? Hello, ILOVEYOU, this is taking all day Love-letter-for-you T-X-T Was a V-B-S file in reality Not a message of love at all It abused my MAPI protocol Hello, ILOVEYOU, why's my modem light on? Hello, ILOVEYOU, where have all my files gone? Hello, ILOVEYOU, I reboot and it sends Hello, ILOVEYOU, you're annoying my friends My collection of MP3s have all been turned into 'love' VBs So have my rare J-PEGs of Sharon Stone At least it left all my GIFs alone So I'm feeling like a fool 'Cause I've sent it to everyone at school What a virulent e-disease When we're all just separated by six degrees Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello I hate you, Hello, I need my 'puter Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello = = = = = = = From: Jon.Haugsand@nr.no (Jon Haugsand) Organization: NR Subject: The Philippines stories The following letter was found in Manila a few days ago... }To Guerrilla }From Abu Sayyaf } }No, no, no. you got it all wrong. I said kill the _virus_, and }release the _hostages_. ======================================== The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am a Princess. I take orders from no one." "Well, Princess, on the ground and up here at 30,000 feet I am a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, bitch." ======================================== NOTE FROM CHRIS: A story in the news last week said that a Chinese research institute is showing giant pandas, notorious for their low libidos, videotapes of other pandas copulating in hopes of prodding the nearly extinct species to reproduce. "As part of the pandas' education, we make those which are sexually inept watch videos of other pandas having sex," said the center's director. Here at TopFive, we wondered what adult videos one might find at the nearby Animal video store... The Top 15 Adult Videos for Animals [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> Deep Goat 14> The Bitches of Beastwick 13> A Street Cat Name Desire 12> Behind the Screen Door 11> Sniffing Ryan's Privates 10> Squirrel, Interruptus 9> Dog-Style Afternoon 8> Pantin' 7> The Triple Crown Affair 6> Mounting Python & the Holy Tail 5> South Bark: Bigger, Longer, and Unspayed 4> Hen in Black 3> Honey, I Humped the Squids 2> The Pelican's Briefs and Topfive.com's Number 1 Adult Video for Animals... 1> Kitty Kitty Gang Bang [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== This appears on the www.capitolhillblue.com website under the "Rant" heading. It's probably one of the best commentaries I've ever seen. Posted here by permission of the editor (with my thanks). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Computer viruses thrive on stupidity May 5, 2000 It wasn't love that sent an e-mail virus rocketing around the world at cyberspace lightspeed this week. It was old-fashioned, low-tech stupidity. We got about 200 or of the "I Love You" e-mail viruses in our in-box on Thursday, which means about 200 people who have our names in their Microsoft Outlook address books were stupid enough to open the Visual Basic Script that held the virus. According to most news reports, they weren't alone. Millions of computer users worldwide blindly clicked on the attachment and multiplied the problems hundredfold. That's the problem with technology. No matter how advanced it may be, it only takes a nanosecond of human stupidity to bring it down. You can send warnings out until the cows come home, but somebody will still log on to their e-mail and start clicking away without taking the necessary half-second to stop, take a closer look, and think: "Just what the hell am I doing here?" Former Congressman Fred Grandy was one of those idiots. Grandy now runs Goodwill Industries. He walked into his office on Thursday, pulled up his e-mail and clicked on the "I Love You" e-mail attachment, even though his in-box also contained a warning from his computer folks. Zap. The virus went out to more than a hundred of the nation's top CEOs, courtesy of the man whose greatest claim to fame is playing a character named "Gopher" on TV's old "Love Boat" series. "I felt like an idiot," Grandy told a reporter. Well, at least he's honest about that. Which brings up an interesting question. Why is it that people who may have all the smarts in the world turn into absolute morons once they sit down in front of a computer? Every day, we get e-mails from people passing on a phony press release about the "Congressional plan to tax Internet e-mail." The release talks about a House bill 602p sponsored by a Congressman Tony Schnell. It doesn't take a membership in Mensa to bop over to http://www.house.gov and check to see if there is a Congressman named Tony Schnell or a bill 602p. Those who click over easily discover no such Congressman or House bill exists (in fact, that ain't the way House bills are numbered). But instead, most people just click the "forward" button on their e- mail and send this piece of lunacy to everyone in God's known universe just to show how incredibly moronic they can be. And don't forget the e-mail that claims Bill Gates of Microsoft and Steve Case of America On-line will pay you to use their browser. We got that proof of idiocy from CEOs of Fortune 1000 companies, which may explain why the stock market is in such disarray. It's time people realized that a computer on their desk is not a license to stop thinking or an excuse to abandon common sense. A computer doesn't make you smarter, but recent events prove it sure can make you look a lot more stupid. So stop believing the machine can think for you. It can't. Try using your brain before clicking on your mouse. Who knows? It might start a fad. (Doug Thompson is the founder of Capitol Hill Blue. The Rant appears on Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays or whenever the mood suits him) ======================================== Subject: Wall Street Theme Song... Humble Pie (To the tune of Don McLean's "American Pie") A long, long week ago I can still remember how the market used to make me smile What I'd do when I had the chance Is get myself a cash advance And add another tech stock to the pile. But Alan Greenspan made me shiver With every speech that he delivered Bad news on the rate front Still I'd take one more punt I can't remember if I cried When I heard about the CPI I lost my fortune and my pride The day the NASDAQ died So bye-bye to my piece of the pie Now I'm gettin' calls for margin 'Cause my cash account's dry It's just two weeks from a new all-time high And now we're right back where we were in July We're right back where we were in July Did you buy stocks you never heard of? QCOM at 150 or above? 'Cos George Gilder told you so Now do you believe in Home Depot? Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio? And can you teach me what's a P/E ratio? Well, I know that you were leveraged too So you can't just take a long-term view Your broker shut you down No more margin could be found I never worried on the whole way up Buying dot coms from the back of a pickup truck But Friday I ran out of luck It was the day the NAAAASDAQ died I started singin' Bye-bye to my piece of the pie Now I'm gettin' calls for margin 'Cause my cash account's dry It's just two weeks from a new all-time high And now we're right back where we were in July Yeah we're right back where we were in July ======================================== The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the Head sperm: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. "Politely say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the Egg.' From that moment on you will work closely together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!" Two days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke up immediately and ran to the tunnel and started swimming. A multitude of sperm swam behind him. Instinctively he knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern, he looked back and saw he was far ahead. When, at last, he reached the red, sticky ball, he smiled and said "Hi, I'm a sperm." The red sticky ball smiled back at him and said, "Hi. I'm a tonsil." ======================================== Compare 60's vs 90's ================================= Then: Long Hair Now: Longing for hair. Then: The perfect high. Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund. Then: KEG! Now: EKG! Then: Acid Rock. Now: Acid Reflux. Then: Moving to California because it's cool. Now: Moving to California because it's warm. Then: You're growing pot. Now: Your growing pot. Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Then: Seeds and stems bad. Now: Roughage good. Then: Popping pills, smoking joints. Now: Popping joints. Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel. Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity. Then: Paar. Now: AARP. Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine. Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine. Then: Killer weed. Now: Weed killer. Then: Looking forward to a BMW. Now: Looking forward to a BM. Then: The Grateful Dead. Now: Dr. Kevorkian. Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. Now: Getting a new hip joint. Then: Rolling Stones. Now: Kidney stones. Then: Being called into the principal's office. Now: Calling the principal's office. Then: Down with the system! Now: Upgrade the system. Then: "Peace" sign. Now: Senior discount sign. Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. Now: Children begging you to get your hairstyle updated. Then: Take acid. Now: Take antacid. Then: Passing the driver's test. Now: Passing the vision test. Then: "Whatever" Now: "Depends" ======================================== Q: Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez? A: Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban, he got impeached. ======================================== Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!" ======================================== Money It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life It can buy you Sex But not Love So you see money isn't everything. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering... so send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A truer Friend than me you will never find. CASH ONLY PLEASE. ======================================== The other day, my beloved wife of many years turned to me during an otherwise suspiciously ordinary dinner and out of the blue asked why is it that MEN always stare at twenty-something gals and leave their wives for the latter at every opportunity. Recognizing a marital land-mine, I failed to skirt the issue by changing the subject. I promised to answer in writing: 20SGF -- 20-something girlfriend BWOMY -- beloved wife of many years ** Subject: General Worship and Admiration 20SGF: Hangs on to your every word as if you were channeling Buddha and Einstein in a single breath. Begins conversations with her girlfriends with "You know, my beloved says..." BWOMY: Remembers every screw-up and broken promise you've made since the mid-80's and brings it up at the weekly "My husband is dumber than your husband" sparring matches with her girlfriends. Begins conversations with "Just wait till you hear what MY husband said the other night..." ** Subject: Sex 20SGF: Excellent. Imaginative. Wild. Passionate. BWOMY: Excellent. Imaginative. Wild. Passionate. You only wish she were there so you wouldn't have to be so alone. ** Subject: Do I look fat in this? 20SGF: "Yum!" BWOMY: "No, not at all, darling. I love you and cherish you and will do so for the rest of my life." ** Subject: Her girlfriends 20SGF: A gorgeous flock of young happy things who come over every Friday to hang out topless in your hot tub. You become known for your excellent foot massages. BWOMY: A scary crew of divorced, menopausal, dreary man-haters who hog the hot tub every Friday to complain about hot flashes. Sometimes you try to imagine them topless and fail. ** Subject: Her outfits 20SGF: Likes wearing thongs. She makes you guess, by touch alone, what color they are. BWOMY: They are white, they are NOT thongs, and you only get to touch them when they've been demoted to dusters and it's your turn to dust the god-damned bric-a-brac. ** Subject: Travel 20SGF: Her stuff fits in a backpack. Toothbrush, tanning oil, a bright yellow two-piece and a few fluff novels. BWOMY: She packs the backpack into a a 55-gallon pink designer suitcase with squeaky wheels. She brings a hair-dryer and warm socks to Hawaii and stuffs a jumbo case of ultra-Maxis into your carry-on. ** Subject: Home Repair 20SGF: She can fix a leaking faucet and is looking forward to you teaching her to rewire the kitchen. She looks ravishing in a toolbelt. BWOMY: She can't believe that the faucet is still leaking and she's found that hammer you were looking for and she can't believe that you couldn't find the hammer and threw that fit yesterday, when the hammer was where it always is and why can't you simply organize your tools and keep track of them a little better and aren't you going to take care of that faucet today? It is still dripping... And the god-damned hammer's missing again. ** Subject: TV watching 20SGF: She watches TV with you. BWOMY: She watches TV against you. The latter takes two forms: a) Watching the "Hidden Flaws of Your Husband" day-time talk shows to better scrutinize your every move. b) Insisting on describing the gory details of Marcy's varicose vein operation while Inspector Callahan is reloading. ** Subject: Cars 20SGF: She runs the Miata out of gas and calls you at work to be her knight in shining armor. Your reward is so satisfying that you almost wish it would happen again. BWOMY: She calls you from a PTA field trip to the food recycling worm-farm. The Voyager threw a rod and is sitting at Harry's Garage and Bait Shop, and it takes two trips to bring her two girlfriends (see above) and the seven snotty kids back to civilization in your Toyota. They don't like your music. The smell of rotting vegetables follows you for weeks. ** Subject: Her Magazines 20SGF: She buys Cosmo and actually experiments with the "10 Ways to Make Him Forget His Own Name". You forget your own name. BWOMY: She buys the Architectural Digest and gazes disapprovingly at your home improvement efforts. ** Subject: General Appearance 20SGF: Firm breasts, sexy butt BWOMY: She's the mother of your children! ======================================== NOTE FROM CHRIS: Teen boy band 'N Sync's new album "No Strings Attached" recently became the first album in history to sell more than 1 million copies in a single day. The vast majority of their audience consists of girls between the ages of 11-16. The Top 14 Songs on the New 'N Sync CD [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 14> "You're Pretty Mature For Your Age, Aren't You?" 13> "The Next Best Thing To An Actual Boyfriend" 12> "Yo, Girl, Your Butt Don't Look Big to Me" 11> "Baby, Just Wanna Give you a Pony and a Puppy Dog" 10> "A Personal Love Song for You -- Yes, You! We Really Mean It! You Are the One and Only Girl We Really Love, Even Though You're 12 Years-Old and Live in a Trailer Park in Nebraska. Honest!" 9> "I'll Be Waiting For You (On The Other Side of Puberty)" 8> "If You Buy Two, We'll Love You Twice As Much!" 7> "Acne Will Pass, But Love Lasts Forever" 6> "You Should Buy This CD -- Or That Bitch Suzy Will, and She'll Be More Popular Than You" 5> "Nobody Understands You, So Let's Get Freaky!" 4> "Baby, You Can Drive My Car (When You're Old Enough to Get a Learner's Permit)" 3> "Guess Which One of Us Actually *Likes* Girls" 2> "The Backstreet Boys Think You're Homely" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Song on the New 'N Sync CD... 1> "What's Up, A-Cup?" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== A new drug has been announced - you might want to see your doctor and get a prescription. The drug is called Gingko Viagra and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing. ======================================== A simple recipe for nonalcoholic beer: You need two buckets, one case of normal beer, and a horse... ======================================== I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT... 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a needle. 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak. 4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot. 5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. 6. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. 7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning. 8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. 9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men". 10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course. Signed:____________________________________ Date:________________ ======================================== Ben & Jerry's has announced that if Gore/Lieberman are elected, in a move of solidarity, their ice cream will be available in the following flavors: Wailing Walnut Moishmellow Mazel Toffee Chazalnut Oy Ge-malt Mi Ka-mocha & Gamorra Bernard Malamint Berry Pr! 'i Hagafen and finally (drum roll,please)......... Simchas T'oreo. It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen. And if GW Bush is elected, it will be plain vanilla in a plastic cup. ======================================== Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" the other guy replied. "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." "Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied. "This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back, no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," says the other guy, "You see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it." ======================================== The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: What did I do wrong? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate. ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > Free Condom Inside > ================================================================== > > NOTE FROM CHRIS: > > Evidently, not everybody in Sydney is maintaining > an Olympic pace these days. The legalized brothels > there are doing a bang-up business, no pun intended. > Madams have reported waits of up to two hours. > > TopFive sent some of our contributors over on a > reconnaissance mission to see what kind of slogans > these places are using to bring in such business. > > There's an X-rated version of today's list on our website > for ClubTop5 members only. For info on how to join, > including how to save $5 on the $12 subscription fee, > go here: http://www.topfive.com/html/ClubTop5.htm > > > > The Top 13 Advertising Slogans for Australian Brothels > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 13> Catch Olympic Fever -- And Hepatitis! > > 12> The Best Down Under Down Under! > > 11> Just Do Us > > 10> Performance Enhancing Drugs Welcome > > 9> The Most Fun You Can Have in the Bush! > > 8> You're already halfway around the world -- let us finish > the job. > > 7> Didgeri-Do Me! > > 6> Ready for a REAL Floor Exercise? > > 5> Don't worry about using protection -- dingos eat all > of our babies! > > 4> Throw Another Barbie on Your shrimp! > > 3> G'd Lay, Mate! > > 2> Serious Yahoo! > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 Advertising > Slogan for Australian Brothels... > > > 1> You've got the Joey. We've got the pouches. > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > ======================================== A conversation between friends..... We are sitting at lunch when my friend casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says, half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?" " It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations...." But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for child-care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years - not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs. I want her to know that a caesarian scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reason she would now find very unromantic. I wish my friend could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future. I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts. My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reach across the table squeeze my friend's hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings. The blessed gift of God and that of being a Mother. ======================================== So this blonde walks up to the counter and says "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a medium coke." The guy behind the counter says "Excuse me, miss, but this is a library." Lowering her voice to a whisper, the blonde replies "OK, make it to go then." ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T ================================================================== The Top 15 Actual Hollywood Movie Pitches [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> "She's a young girl possessed by the Prince of Darkness. He's a bitter priest who's struggling to maintain his crumbling faith. And they're on a collision course for wackiness!!!" 14> "An old guy with no sense of humor rides his lawn mower across several states to see his sick brother. But wait, get this: it's a really *slow* lawn mower." 13> "An industrialist uses his position in corporate society to save attractive English-speaking Jews from unattractive English-speaking Nazis with German accents." 12> "A wealthy bachelor fights crime while wearing a skin-tight rubber suit. He has a young male sidekick, also in a skin-tight rubber suit -- but they're just heterosexual friends." 11> "Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan fall in love despite having nothing at all in common - AGAIN." 10> "A young Elizabethan playwright struggles against writer's block and poverty in an attempt to see Gwyneth Paltrow's breasts." 9> "Let's just stick a naked Brando with some naked chick in an apartment in Paris and throw in some butter. This one writes itself!" 8> "Okay, this time Adam Sandler is a goofy but lovable loser..." 7> "High school kid drives older woman home from party. Older woman seduces boy. Simon and Garfunkel play music for the rest of the movie." 6> "Two cops with disparate personalities are thrown together, bicker, but eventually learn to like and trust each other. Family members are put in jeopardy and stuff explodes, but the cops survive, catch some of the bad guys, and eventually make a few dreadful sequels." 5> "These scientists secretly clone the most powerful Pokemon of all, who schemes to take over the... Okay, seriously -- does anyone here really GIVE a rat's ass about the friggin' plot?" 4> "Marky Mark had a 13-inch penis. Hijinks ensue." 3> "A film director, like me, who was a teenage rock journalist, like I was, loses his virginity in a three-way at age 15, like the audience will think I did." 2> "In Morocco, a nightclub owner dumps the wife of a Czech resistance leader in order to shack up with a local police captain." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Actual Hollywood Movie Pitch... 1> "Sylvester Stallone stars as a... Hey! Where are you going?" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a desert road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver a young, a man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sun-glasses and a YSL tie, gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, "All right." The young man parks the car, connects his notebook to his cellphone, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. "You have exactly 1586 sheep," he declares. "That's correct," says the shepherd. "You may take the sheep." The young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his car. The shepherd asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep?" "Why not?" answers the young man. "You're from one of those big time consulting firms," declares the shepherd confidently. "That's amazing! How did you guess so quickly and easily?" asks the man. "Very simple," replies the shepherd. "First, you do not understand anything about what I do. Second, you came here without being called. Third, you charged me to tell me something I already knew. And, finally, you took my sheepdog..." ======================================== George spots a nice looking gal in a bar, goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asks her name. "Carmen," she replied. That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes with a withering sultry gaze. "What's your name?" Without missing a beat, he replies "Beerfuck." ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > And now, an Olympic moment... > ================================================================== > > The Top 16 Olympic Euphemisms for Sex > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 16> Working Out With Pocket Hercules > > 15> Polishing the Love Javelin > > 14> Diving off the Half-Meter Headboard > > 13> Playing "Hide the Torch" > > 12> Curling (her toes) > > 11> Carrying the Flag for Team Coitus > > 10> The 2-Minute Freestyle Floor Exercise > > 9> Passing the Meat Baton > > 8> The 20-Centimeter 1x2 Medley > > 7> Exploring the Land Down Under > > 6> Competing in the Humptathlon > > 5> Fencing with the Shorter Epee > > 4> Synchronized Squirming > > 3> Completing the Orifice Triathlon > > 2> Earning a 10.0 from the Judge from Ejacuador > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 Olympic Euphemism for Sex... > > > 1> The Purple-Chapeaud Flag Bearer Leading His Delegation > Into the Olympic Stadium > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Subject: More Rules if you're headed down south. 1) Don't order steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know. 2) Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Bubba, Billy Joe Bob, Sissy, etc.) These people have been known to kick a man's ass for less. 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to an ass kicking. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.Pepper, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke. 4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the Big 12, SEC or ACC or we'll kick your ass (Texas, Oklahoma, Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming and Navy. We'll kick their ass, too. 5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass. 6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass. 7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended, and don't put sugar on your grits or we'll kick your ass. 8) Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked. 9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it. 10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn and we'll kick your ass. 11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home or we'll kick your ass. 12) Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass. 'Nuff said. ======================================== OLD IS WHEN . . . "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee! ======================================== from: ejsmith@titanic.ship (Capt. E. J. Smith) date: 14 April 1912 to: slord@californian.ship (Capt. Stanley Lord) subject: Iceberg! Stanley, The Titanic has hit an iceberg. Crippled and sinking. Estimate two hours. Please help. E.J. Smith Captain -- SS Titanic *********************** from: slord@californian.ship (Capt. Stanley Lord) date: 14 April 1912 to: ejsmith@titanic.ship (Capt. E. J. Smith) subject: re: Iceberg! OUT OF BRIDGE AUTOREPLY Hi there! I'm off the bridge right now and not checking email. If this is urgent, leave a message with the ship's agent in New York and I'll be in touch tomorrow. Have a great day! Capt. Stanley Lord, Californian *********************** from: ejsmith@titanic.ship (Capt. E. J. Smith) date: 14 April 1912 to: ahrostron@carpathia.ship (Capt. A.H. Rostron) subject: Iceberg! I pray I have your correct e-mail address. The Titanic has hit an iceberg. Crippled and sinking. Estimate two hours. Please help. Nasty business. E.J. Smith Captain -- SS Titanic *********************** from: Mail delivery service date: 14 April 1912 to: ejsmith@titanic.ship (Capt. E. J. Smith) subject: Undeliverable message Your message did not reach the following recipient(s): ahrostron@carpathian.ship on 14 April 1912 1:00 The recipient name is not recognized. *********************** from: ejsmith@titanic.ship (Capt. E. J. Smith) date: 14 April 1912 to: support@carpathia.ship subject: Iceberg! Carpathia, I don't know your captain's e-mail address, but hope this reaches someone. The Titanic has hit an iceberg. Ship is sinking. Estimate one hour. Can you render assistance? E.J. Smith *********************** from: support@carpathia.ship date: 14 April 1912 to: ejsmith@titanic.ship (Capt. E. J. Smith) subject: re: Iceberg! Captain Smith, Have forwarded your message to a supervisor. Dominic (support@carpathia.ship) *********************** from: support@carpathia.ship date: 14 April 1912 to: arthur_rostron@carpathia.ship subject: re: Fwd: Iceberg! Captain, Just received the attached message from SS Titanic. You want to handle it? Dominic (support@carpathia.ship) *********************** from: arthur_rostron@carpathia.ship date: 14 April 1912 to: ejsmith@titanic.ship subject: re: Fwd: Iceberg! Captain Smith, Have received your e-mail. We are coming as quickly as possible. Estimate four hours. Rotten luck, ol' boy. Arthur Rostron *********************** from: Mail delivery service date: 14 April 1912 to: arthur_rostron@carpathia.ship subject: Undeliverable message ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors ----- ejsmith@titanic.ship on 14 April 1912 4:00 *********************** ======================================== A NEW INVESTMENT SCHEME Now, for the first time, the average investor can take part in the nation's most lucrative industry by purchasing shares in our mutually-held LOBBYING FIRM. If you're like most of us, you're always looking for higher returns on your investments. And while you may be familiar with stocks and bonds, currency speculation, IPOs, and all the rest, there's a new investment arena you should be aware of -- LEGISLATION. If a mutual fund returns 20% a year, that's considered quite good. But in the low-risk, high return world of legislation, a 20% return is positively lousy. There's no reason why your investment dollar can't RETURN 100,000% OR MORE ! Too good to be true? Don't worry, it's all COMPLETELY LEGAL. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: With the help of a professional legislation broker (called a Lobbyist), you place your investment (called a Campaign Contribution) with a carefully selected list of legislation manufacturers (called Members of Congress). These manufacturers then go to work writing legislation: crafting industry-specific subsidies, inserting tax breaks into the tax code, extending patents, or giving away public property for free. In an assembly-line process that would make Henry Ford proud, the legislation is produced, and you (and your favorite industry) reap the benefits! The effect on your bottom line is immediate and huge. JUST CHECK OUT THESE RESULTS: The Timber Industry spent $8 million in campaign contributions to preserve the logging-road subsidy, worth $458 million -- the return on their investment was 5,725%! GlaxoWellcome invested $1.2 million in campaign contributions to get a 19 month Patent Extension on Zantac worth $1 billion -- their net return: 83,333%! The Tobacco Industry spent $30 million in campaign contributions for a tax break worth $50 billion -- the return on their investment: 167,000%! For a paltry $5 million in campaign contributions, the Broadcasting Industry was able to secure free digital TV licenses, a give-away of public property worth $70 billion -- that's an incredible 1,400,000% return on their investment! If you can get this kind of return when you buy a bunch of congressmen, just imagine what you get when you BUY THE PRESIDENT. Don't wait. Invest now and let the paybacks roll in for the next four years. Apply today! FOR FREE, DO-IT-YOURSELF ADVICE on these and other investment strategies, CONTACT: http://www.billionairesforbushorgore.com ======================================== Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires 10. "Safer than a Russian sub." 9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law." 8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit." 7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?" 6. "Pop a set on your car today." 5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?" 4. "Reinforcing the importance of the 25 mph speed limit." 3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something." 2. "Best Blow Job In Town" And the #1 rejected slogan: 1. "You won't be able to recall a better tire." ======================================== Last Sunday was the final performance of 'CATS', Broadway's longest running musical. It racked up a record 7,485 performances. Usually, when a musical ends its run, the production company assists the newly out-of-work actors and actresses in finding other jobs, filing for unemployment benefits, etc. In this case, the actors were just stuffed into a gigantic burlap bag, weighed down with rocks, and thrown from a bridge into the East River. ======================================== A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver, and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really. Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!" ======================================== Subject: More synonyms... assault with a friendly weapon bang be the rug doctor beaver shoot bend her over and load her like a shotgun bit-o-the-ol'-in-out bite the bearded clam bob the knob boink bone her like a tied yard-dog bone smuggle bop bore out the cylinder bottom knockin' bounce the Brillo break her open like a shotgun buff the helmet buff bump uglies bump the fuzz bury a bone bury the beef bayonet bury the hatchet bust that body butter her muffin carpet munch check her oil clean the carpet clean the clam cuttin' a slice dance the buttock jig dent the egg dine on hair pie dine out dip your wick dip the plowshare do it do the horizontal lambada do the horizontal mambo do the Posterpedic polka do the Sealy serenade do the wild thing do it do the nasty do the Slick Willie do tongue patrol in the dark jungles drive a vulva dueling bedsprings eat a furburger eat a muffburger eat at the Y eat pussy feed the bear fenork fit pipe flat dancing fool around fuzz bust get a leg over get honey on your stinger get laid get licked get oil on your dipstick get some get the jimmy waxed get the wick wet get your bone honed get your noodle wet get your ashes hauled get your bunny boiled get your canoe shellacked get your horns filed get your weiner wet gettin' busy get some give an Australian kiss (a kiss down under) give her the time give her a pearl necklace give the dog a bone glaze the donut go all the way go like a rat up a rhododendron gobble the gash goin' horizontal go for a ride in the fur lined canoe grease the shaft hammerin' have a fish supper have a go at it have a poke have sausage and eggs between the legs have his tires rotated have lunch at the Y - it's a box lunch - furburgers! hide and shriek hide the hotdog hide the salami hide the sausage hobble horizontal folk dance hose jump her bones jungle nuzzling lay cable lay pipe lay the hen let's go "whale some babes"! lick the plate lickety split make babies make it make the beast with two backs mow the lawn muff dive negotiate the forested chasm park his car in her garage park the pink Cadillac pin her legs back like a Safeway chicken play doctor play hide and seek play hide the salami play mattress tag poke the sushi poke the whisker biscuit poke the yolk post up practice parallel park in bed provide lip service pump put his snake through her grass receive swollen property ride the baloney pony ride the skin bus into tuna town ridin' broomsticks ring the cash register romp rope a poke rug munchin' saturate the ferrod screw sharpen the pencil hasn't had her ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs shish kebabbing sink the pink slam her clam slam some ham slice the muffin slip her the hot beef injection slip her the tubesteak slip her the whale slip the salami slurp the slit snake her so horny I have to stand on my hands to pee so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe some nookie-nookie honey speak into the mike splooge-spunk-gack- splooey spread the wild oats stick your tongue/dick in the holiest of holies stoke her yoke strop one's beak stuff her muff stuff the bunny suck a popsickle swallow the swan take ole one-eye to the optometrist take the log to the beaver take the skin boat to tuna town talk in earnest to the little man in the boat tame her shrew tap your tailpipe tempt your tummy with the taste of nuts and honey (oral sex) tube steak boogie varnish one's cane wax your candle work the hairy oracle yodel in the valley ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > No user-serviceable parts inside. > ================================================================== > > The Top 16 Famous Quotes from Redneck Movies > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 16> "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and your first > and second cousin, your nephew..." > > 15> "We'll always have Wal-Mart." > > 14> "What does it feel like? Kind of like sticking your fingers > in warm chicken fried steak with gravy." > > 13> "You had me at 'Sooooey!'" > > 12> "Houston, we have a 'possum." > > 11> "You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?" > > 10> "I feel the need... the need for sheep." > > 9> "Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!" > > 8> "Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to > pull her '68 Rambler into mine." > > 7> "I... see... Black people." > > 6> "Use the horse, Luke!" > > 5> "I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' > Jack Daniel's." > > 4> "Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good > tractor pull, kid." > > 3> "I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or > only five? Well, hell if I know! You KNOW I cain't count > no higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!" > > 2> "My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker -- > you never know what you're gonna' get.'" > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 Famous Quote from a Redneck Movie... > > > 1> "You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!" > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > What's up, Knight? > ================================================================== > > NOTE FROM CHRIS: > > Indiana University basketball coach Bobby Knight was > finally fired on Sunday due to, oh, dozens of incidents > of psychotic behavior over the last three decades. > > > The Top 15 Entries on Bobby Knight's Resume > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 15> Education: Graduated Magna Cum Laude from the Woody Hayes > School of Anger Management > > 14> 1963 NCAA chair-put champion > > 13> Inducted along with Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor into the > Cursing Hall of Fame, August 1992 > > 12> Best-selling author of "Coaches Who Hate Players and Fans, > and the Players and Fans Who Love Them." > > 11> Chairman, Campaign to Rid the World of Decaffeinated Coffee, > 1988-present > > 10> Personal references: Latrell Spreewell, Sean Penn, Mike Tyson, > Jack Nicholson, O.J. Simpson > > 9> Position Sought: Head Basketball Coach at the major university > level, for a school that values character, academic success > and winning, and doesn't get all pissy about a little chair > throwing, student choking, cop punching, profanity screaming > or rule flaunting, because, frankly, I got enough of that > sh*t at my last job. Ya hear me? > > 8> Courtside Folding Chair Feng Shui Coordinator, 1961 - present > > 7> Graciously declined invitation to become a full-time resident > of the Puerto Rican penal system in 1979. > > 6> Developed such advanced medical techniques as "Secondary Anus > Creation" and "Spontaneous Decapitation to Assist in > Esophageal Feces Insertion." > > 5> Co-CEO, Knight/Rocker Sports Public Relations, Inc. > > 4> Proactively established results-oriented Poo-Based Motivation > Therapy program for youngsters. > > 3> Debate Team Captain, 1954, Our Lady of Cascading Profanity > High School > > 2> 1984-1987: Pounded stuff with my fists!! > Pounded, pounded, pounded!!! > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 Entry on Bobby Knight's Resume... > > > 1> Heart donor, 1981. > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > You want the list? You can't handle the list! > ================================================================== > > NOTE FROM CHRIS: > > The Beatles have a new book coming out about their > days together, "The Beatles Anthology," written by > Paul, George & Ringo (and with quotes from John). > > > The Top 14 Revelations in the Beatles' New Tell-All Book > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 14> Turns out you *can* buy me love, after all. > > 13> More than once, Beach Boy Brian Wilson was caught dumpster > diving outside Abby Road. > > 12> The walrus was *John* -- Paul was actually the > Thompson's Gazelle. > > 11> Two out of three surviving Beatles report that Yoko isn't > all that good in the sack. > > 10> Despite her seminal contributions and repeated requests > from the boys, the Queen Mum refused to accept co-writing > credit on "Why Don't We Do It In The Road?" > > 9> Yoko Ono was actually a character played by Andy Kaufman. > > 8> Seismic monitors indicate John still spinning from use of > "Revolution" in a Nike ad. > > 7> Ringo's actually a highly-trained, sloppily-shaven chimpanzee. > > 6> Riots once broke out in Wisconsin when John proclaimed that > the Beatles were more popular than cheese. > > 5> Paul? STILL not dead! > > 4> Owing to an unknown intern who left his hand-rolled cigarettes > behind on the mixing board, the band inadvertently recorded > one of the tracks for "Sergeant Pepper" while not stoned. > > 3> The mysterious 5th Beatle: Coolio > > 2> Yoko went ballistic in November 1968 after discovering John > was having an affair with an earthling. > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 Revelation > in the Beatles' New Tell-All Book... > > > 1> "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" was *not* about LSD. > "Norwegian Wood", on the other hand, was about John's > "personal fitness trainer," Olaf. > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandable silent. He then chugs back another beer and says "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem, buddy?" "No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar." ======================================== Three beggars are begging in New York City. The first one wrote "beggar" on his broken steel cup and he received ten bucks after one day. The second one wrote "beggar.com" on his cup and after one day he received hundreds of thousand of dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ. The third one wrote "e-beg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free hardware and professional consulting. In addition, Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that e-beg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix, a B2B industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community. ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > Does this *amuse* you? Does this make you *laugh*? > ================================================================== > > The Top 20 Nasty New Computer Viruses > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 20> "Survivor Virus" -- Deletes your files one by one over 13 > weeks until only the most annoying one remains. > > 19> Dan Quayle Virus -- Destroys all the files stored on your > Etch-a-Sketch. > > 18> Elian Virus -- You can't decide what to do with it, until > finally the Janet Reno Virus kicks in your door and > deletes it. > > 17> Jiminy Cricket Virus -- Changes your Zip disk into a > Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk. > > 16> Jennifer Lopez Virus -- Adjusts screen so that you see a > lot of words, but not the ones you *really* want to see. > > 15> Microsoft Virus -- Renders your computer virtually useless. > Also known by the name "Windows 98." > > 14> Al Gore Virus -- Claims that it *IS* the internet. > > 13> Pat Buchanan Virus -- Splits otherwise healthy drive into two > meaningless parts. Don't worry -- it affects less than 1% of > computers and isn't likely to spread at all. > > 12> Tiger Woods Virus -- Beats the holy crap out of you in every > computer game you play. > > 11> Wonderbra Virus -- Results in stack overflow. > > 10> O.J. Virus -- Every time you try to search for a file, it > runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead. > > 9> Salvador Dali Virus -- Replaces motherboard with flaming > liquid fur which can only be removed by driving a large > carpenter's nail through the casing. > > 8> Britney Spears Virus -- Your partitions mysteriously > quadruple in size overnight. > > 7> Firestone Virus -- Leaves chunks of its code all over > the information highway. > > 6> Kurt Cobain Virus -- Deletes itself before it has a chance > to do anything important. > > 5> IHATEYOU Virus -- Emits shrill scream from speakers when > you refuse to buy the new computer game that "all the other > computers at school already have." > > 4> John Rocker Virus -- Re-categorizes everything on your > computer into a few simple folders that it can understand. > > 3> Kursk Virus -- Crashes your subroutines, then blocks calls > to the Help Desk. > > 2> George W. Virus -- Causes your CPU to keep executing and > executing and executing.... > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 Nasty New Computer Virus... > > > 1> Boulder Police Virus -- Can't even *find* your computer. > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Subject: More on the whole "sock or towel" debate A big date with Rosy Palms Adjusting your set Applying the hand brake Bopping Richard Burping the worm Capturing the bishop Closet Frisbee Coming to grips with yourself Cuddlin' the Kielbasa Defrosting the fridge Doing the five-knuckle shuffle Dundering the devil-dolphin Faxing the Pope Fishing for zipper trout Five on one Flogging the salami Flute solo Genitalic stimulation via phallengetic motion Going blind Greasing the pipe Han Solo Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops Hitchhiking to heaven Juggling the coullions Launching the hand shuttle Loving the muppet Making the bald man puke Minding my own business One gun salute Performing a self-test Playing tag with the pink torpedo Pocket pool Pole Vaulting Preparing the carrot Raising the mainsail Romeo and Himself Sanding wood Shellacking the shellaleigh Strainin' the main vein Taking matters into your own hands That crazy hand jive Tickling the ivory Torturing the tentacle Using the Force on Darth Vader Waking Wee Willie Wonka Workin' out a stiff joint Wrestling the eel ======================================== I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung his head out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off. ======================================== << It's probably not true and if anybody checks on it, please don't tell me. It sure gave me a good laugh. I need one of those every once in awhile - even if they are based on fantasy!!!>> Larry Ellison (Oracle CEO) speaks to Yale Grads What follows is a transcript of the speech delivered by Ellison at Yale University two months ago: "Graduates of Yale University, I apologize if you have endured this type of prologue before, but I want you to do something for me. Please, take a good look around you. Look at the classmate on your left. Look at the classmate on your right. Now, consider this: five years from now, 10 years from now, even 30 thirty years from now, odds are the person on your left is going to be a loser. The person on your right, meanwhile, will also be a loser. And you, in the middle? What can you expect? Loser. Loserhood. Loser Cum Laude. In fact, as I look out before me today, I don't see a thousand hopes for a bright tomorrow. I don't see a thousand future leaders in a thousand industries. I see a thousand losers. You're upset. That's understandable. After all, how can I, Lawrence "Larry" Ellison, college dropout, have the audacity to spout such heresy to the graduating class of one of the nation's most prestigious institutions? I'll tell you why. Because I, Lawrence "Larry" Ellison, second richest man on the planet, am a college dropout, and you are not. Because Bill Gates, richest man on the planet-for now anyway- is a college dropout, and you are not. Because Paul Allen, the third richest man on the planet, dropped out of college, and you did not. And for good measure, because Michael Dell, No. 9 on the list and moving up fast, is a college dropout, and you, yet again, are not. Hmm... you're very upset. That's understandable. So let me stroke your egos for a moment by pointing out, quite sincerely, that your diplomas were not attained in vain. Most of you, I imagine, have spent four to five years here, and in many ways what you've learned and endured will serve you well in the years ahead. You've established good work habits. You've established a network of people that will help you down the road. And you've established what will be lifelong relationships with the word "therapy." All that of is good. For in truth, you will need that network. You will need those strong work habits. You will need that therapy. You will need them because you didn't drop out, and so you will never be among the richest people in the world. Oh sure, you may, perhaps, work your way up to #10 or # 11, like Steve Ballmer. But then, I don't have to tell you who he really works for, do I? And for the record, he dropped out of grad school. Bit of a late bloomer. Finally, I realize that many of you, and hopefully by now most of you, are wondering, "Is there anything I can do? Is there any hope for me at all?" Actually, no. It's too late. You've absorbed too much, think you know too much. You're not 19 anymore. You have a built-in cap, and I'm not referring to the mortarboards on your heads. Hmm... you're really very upset. That's understandable. So perhaps this would be a good time to bring up the silver lining. Not for you, Class of '00. You are a write-off, so I'll let you slink off to your pathetic $200,000-a-year jobs, where your checks will be signed by former classmates who dropped out two years ago. Instead, I want to give hope to any underclassmen here today. I say to you, and I can't stress this enough: leave. Pack your things and your ideas and don't come back. Drop out. Start up. For I can tell you that a cap and gown will keep you down just as surely as these security guards dragging me off this stage are keeping me now..." The Oracle CEO was ushered off stage. ======================================== I just finished a poll at Slashdot (slashdot.org) that provided 4 possible answers to a yes/no question. The poll question was, "I'd trust my Significant Other with my root". Three of the possible answers were yes, no, and my OS doesn't have root. The final option (and the one I selected) was "I don't foresee a S.O. in my life." It's nice to find a place that understands nerds. ======================================== Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year. When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one." American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly. Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom. Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry,Curly, and Moe. Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." ======================================== From comedian Drew Carey (former Marine) How many militant feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to kiss my ass." That's right. I said kiss my ass. 'Cause I've had it. I'm tired of being pushed around. Tired of being grouped in with all the dead-beat dads and rapists and lecherous bosses just because I'm a man. All men aren't "potential rapists." I'm not a potential rapist. But, I am a potential murderer if all of you don't shut up and get out of my face already. You've ruined it for everybody. Everybody, do you hear me? Men, women, everybody. Because of you and everyone else in this society that needs to play political victim and go to court instead of just dealing with it themselves, no one can have any kind of fun anymore. Men and women can't flirt, or hug, or look at anyone sideways because of you and your lawyers. Are you happy? You've used a stink bomb to kill a few ants. And while I'm at it... Naval Aviators, who are willing to die so that we can have low prices at the gas pump, should be able to throw the wildest parties they can manage without one uptight biddy coming in and stopping it. There were scads of women at that Tailhook party who were having the time of their lives, voluntarily being just as debauched as any of the men were. Everyone who flew a plane, or even knew someone who flew a plane, knew how wild those parties were and what went on. What did she expect? A prayer service? And why didn't she just throw some punches of her own when these couple Of guys groped her? Why didn't she give them what they had coming and just kick them in the b*lls? Didn't our tax money go to teach her how to fight? I'm not trying to make the idiotic "she had it coming" argument here, which would go something like "of course they grabbed her breasts, look how big they are." Plus, just reaching out and grabbing some boob is wrong no matter what. When I was in college, even at our most drunken fraternity parties we never acted like that. No matter how hard I try I can't think of an excuse good enough to do something like that. But it's still nothing to lose a career over. Besides, fighter pilots are supposed to be aggressive as$holes. That's what we pay them for. I don't know about you, but I don't want a navy full of fighter pilots who are gifted at giving sensitivity seminars. I want mad-dog, rabid killers going to battle for me and mine. Man or woman. When our stable gas prices are threatened by a Middle-Eastern Madman, when we want to force our form of government on some poor, unsuspecting Latin American country, when uppity foreign diplomats "forget" to pay their parking tickets, I want to be able to call on men and women who like to fight and drink. I want a naval officer who knows how to whack some drunk in the balls when he grabs her tits, not call a press conference and a lawyer. If you're a wimp who doesn't know how to find the exit at a rowdy party, go fly a kite, not a jet fighter. -So there, Drew ======================================== Some people are wondering how we wound up short of oil this year. The answer is simple: Nobody bothered to check the oil. They didn't know we were running low. And of course the reason for this is geographical. All the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C. ======================================== > ================================================================== > [ --== Top5 presents ==-- ] > [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] > ================================================================== > > Ruminations for August 23, 2000 > > > -=++=- > > > I think kids should come with the ability to > secrete the glue that is on the back of Post-It > notes, if for no other purpose than to amuse me > while I watch them try to throw paper airplanes. > > (Ross Brown) > > > -=++=- > > > Every time I sit by this beautiful babbling brook > and meditate on the endless possibilities that > life offers us every day, the same thought > eventually occupies by mind: I really have to pee. > > (Larry Baum) > > > -=++=- > > > I don't know who wrote the book of love, but > in my opinion, whoever wrote that pamphlet > on masturbation deserves a Pulitzer. > > (Rolf Lundgren) ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > Requires DOS 2.0 with at least 512Kb of memory > ================================================================== > > NOTE FROM CHRIS: > > Tonight is the season finale of the hit show "Survivor" > in the U.S. Here at TopFive, we were wondering just what > those wacky castaways will do with their free time now... > > > The Top 15 Items on the To-Do Lists > of the Returning "Survivors" > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 15> Show the judge your immunity idol and tell him to shove > his fugitive warrant. > > 14> Borrow neighbor's weedwhacker; cut underarm hair. > > 13> Get together with Ann Heche and drown your sorrows. > > 12> Write up my experiences as a pilot for a TV sitcom about > a diverse group of morons stranded on a tropical island. > > 11> Now that all those pesky cameras are gone -- masturbation > marathon! > > 10> Shower, shave, and do enough drugs until the image of Rich's > naked body is no longer imprinted on your retinas. > > 9> Rejoin the vigil for Elian outside Marisleysis's house. > > 8> Week 1: File lawsuit against producers claiming that you > didn't know how much the media would invade your privacy. > Week 2: Appear on talk shows saying you knew it was a > mistake as soon as you arrived. > Week 3: Sign contract for seven-figure nude photo shoot. > > 7> One-man cabaret act -- "Over the Rainbow: Rudy *IS* Judy!" > > 6> Come up with a couple dozen witty pickup lines involving > the phrase "Tribal Council." > > 5> Re-schedule that postponed dinner appointment with > Walter Matthau. > > 4> A quick visit to KFC for some *properly-cooked* rat. > > 3> Form an alliance with Pete in Accounting and Brenda in > Marketing to try and capture all of the jelly donuts in > the break room before 9:00. > > 2> "Lather, rinse, repeat" without having to use your own urine > for the second rinse. > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 Item on the > To-Do Lists of the Returning "Survivors"... > > > 1> Set the alarm clock for 15 minutes and PAR-TY! > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== When I born, I black When I grow up, I black When I go in sun, I black When I cold, I black When I scared, I black When I sick, I black And when I die, I still black. You white folks...... When you born, you pink When you grow up, you white When you go in sun, you red When you cold, you blue When you scared, you yellow When you sick, you green And when you die, you gray. So who you callin' colored? ======================================== Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your type here." ======================================== Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall chop the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to chop him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law." ======================================== Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove. "I'm a veterinarian", said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vet". As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon". Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. "Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist...and I have a brown Probe..." ======================================== From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head. ======================================== Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected; said he, "The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before the had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other Redneck. "I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year." ======================================== An older Polish man marries a younger Polish lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. In order to make the marriage "better", they decide to ask their priest for help. The priest listens to their story. "I have the solution. Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." The Polish couple goes home and follows the priest's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the priest. "Ahh," says the priest to the Polish husband, "try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the priest's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, and looks at the young man "See? THAT'S how you were supposed to wave the towel." ======================================== > ================================================================== > [ --== Top5 presents ==-- ] > [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] > ================================================================== > > > If I ever *did* see an infinite number of > monkeys typing on an infinite number of computers, > I'd probably be at the Gateway Tech Support offices. > > (Becca Five) > > > -=++=- > > > Of all the lessons in life that I've > learned the hard way, the ones > involving frontal nudity and hot bacon > grease seem to be the most enduring. > > (Randy B.) > > > -=++=- > > > They said it was so cold that your > nipples could cut glass, but all I did > was leave a bunch of grease marks. > > (Jeffery Trock) ======================================== PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - Jubilation turned to horror at the Republican National Convention last night when 20,000 screaming, howling baboons were dropped on the stunned crowd. At the conclusion of George W. Bush's acceptance speech, confetti, flags, and baboons were released. The baboons' fur was dyed in hideously festive shades of red, white and blue. Site manager Andrew White remarked that "it was our intention to drop balloons on the delegates, not baboons. We are really heartsick about this." "I didn't mind the screaming, but the biting got tiresome after a while," said Darlene Peters, delegate from Louisiana. "But enough about the delegates from Texas -- let's talk about them monkeys," she joked as she was being wheeled out to the makeshift triage tent set up in the parking lot of the nearby 21-plex. Most of the animals and some of the delegates had to be destroyed. "Order was restored," White continued, "when all the delegates took out their handguns and opened up on the animals." A preliminary investigation has speculated that a single misspelled word ("baloon") on the order sheet for the convention was auto-corrected by Microsoft Word to "baboon". "Ten years from now, the survivors will just look back and laugh," asserted White. "All during the convention," remarked Virginia's Charles Meade, "we were hearing howling. We thought it was just the excitement in the air. This also explains the stench." The cleanup continues today. ======================================== A farmer goes to town to run his usual errands. He has a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken. He's thinking to himself, "Now, how am I going to carry a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken." So he thinks about it for a bit, and decides to carry the bucket, put the pig in the bucket, place the anvil on top of the pig and carry the chicken under his other arm. So his trudges into town carrying his load, when a pretty girl admiring his physique says, "Sir, do you know the way to the fabric store?" The farmer smiles, and says, "Follow me down this alley, I'll be going right past it." The girl says, "If I follow you down this alley, you might molest me." The farmer says, "How could I molest you? I'm carrying a pig, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken." The girl quickly follows, "Well, you could put the pig down, place the bucket over the pig, place the anvil on top of the bucket, and I could hold the chicken." ======================================== A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive how, where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love...and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms...just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely... And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. It has taken me 53 and a 1/2 years. Don't let it take longer for you. ======================================== A co-worker has her personal/home email on one of those "free" email providers that tack small ads on the bottom of each message. Today, she sent out a general email saying she wouldn't be in today. The complete text of the message, including ad, was: daughter is sick. ----------------------------------------------------- Click here for Free Video!! http://www.[snip].com/freevideo/ Um, thanks, but I think I'll just see what's on CNN instead... ======================================== I borrowed my wife's Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, 3 cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen inch rims. It's stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds and 18 wheelers by surprise... I was headed back from Buskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast ("No Cinnamon, ma'am, I take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip. I was minding my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane. I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition. Ford Festiva -- a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure. The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast, and I am *damn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of seven screaming cylinders... Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust -- probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust ... maybe even cutouts! Damn his hot-rod soul! The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy racer direction... Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady high-pitched song, wound fully out. Though only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel *almost* chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye. He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6" chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted a little to take the next corner. I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ... The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife's car eased past him on the outside, my P165/65R13's screaming in protest, as we raced to the next light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right. Chevy (Suzuki) superiority reigns!!! I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a Volkswagon Van! ======================================== Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and, after they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, " I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!" "Impossible!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together yet !!!" ======================================== Two doctors opened offices in a small city and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The City Commissioners were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Queers and Rears," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" satisy, so they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." ======================================== THE DEATH OF COMMON SENSE Today I am mourning the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense. Common Sense, AKA C.S., lived a long life but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over C.S. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair. C.S. lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids). A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great depression, and the Technological revolution C.S. survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language and "new math". But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-It-Only-Helps-One-Person-It's-Worth-It" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of 6-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. Finally, C.S. lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports. As the end neared, C.S. drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags. Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last. C.S. was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers, Rights, Tolerance, and Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. Author Unknown ======================================== A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes the three standard wishes and the genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom in a mansion surrounded by beautiful women. He makes love for hours (hey, it was part of the wish, OK?) and then starts to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the whole floor is covered in $100 bills. Soon there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away they remove their hoods. It's the two Genies. One genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to, I can also understand wanting to be a billionaire. But why the hell would he want to be hung like a black man???" ======================================== Entering the wrong banquet room at the hotel, what did I see before me? A sobbing, pregnant, kimono-clad bride. A sweaty groom with odd shoes. An angry Japanese man with a look of nobility and a really big sword. Yes, that's right: I had stumbled into a shogun wedding. ======================================== > Games for When We Are Older > > 1. Sag, You're it > 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy > 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear > 4. Kick the Bucket > 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over > 6. Doc, Doc Goose > 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent > 8. Hide and Go Pee > 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta > 10. Musical Recliners ======================================== > [ --== Top5 presents ==-- ] > > Ruminations for July 18, 2000 > > > If all the world is a stage and we're just actors > playing roles, then I need to have a serious talk > with the director about my motivation for this part. > > (Braisco) > http://www.humorcorner.com > > > -=++=- > > > I'm trying to finish writing a script > for a porno movie, but there are > just too many holes in the plot. > > (J. Hutter) ======================================== Subject: RULES OF THE AIR 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal. 24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago. ======================================== This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping. REMEMBER --- this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, but the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a liquor store owner and a nymphomaniac. One man even got a woman who owns a boat and likes to clean fish! You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN. One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again. ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > Winner, Corporate Time-Waster of the Year > > NOTE FROM CHRIS: > Heinz recently announced that they're > coming out with a new *green* ketchup. > > Hmmm... how will they market this stuff? > > > The Top 17 Marketing Slogans for Heinz's New Green Ketchup > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 17> Keeps Grown-ups Away From Your Fries! > > 16> As Seen in "The Exorcist" > > 15> You can't wait for the ketchup to pour? Well, *we* can't > wait for the tomatoes to ripen. > > 14> Heaven Forbid We Let All This Food Coloring Go to Waste > > 13> Doing Our Part to Stop Make-believe Violence > > 12> Go Ahead and Puke, It's Already Green! > > 11> Now You Can Pretend You're Bleeding *Alien* Blood! > > 10> It's Green, Kids -- Just Like Weed > > 9> Three Kermits in Every Bottle! > > 8> Because You Boneheads Will Buy Anything > > 7> Recommended by Sam-I-Am > > 6> Tastes Like Ketchup, But It's Snot! > > 5> The Pus That Refreshes > > 4> Your Burger Will Taste the Same, but Won't Remind You of > a Bleeding Cow > > 3> Ketchup Green: the "T" is Soylent > > 2> All That's Missing is a Carly Simon Song About Snot > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 Marketing Slogan > for Heinz's New Green Ketchup.... > > > 1> Take That, Japan! > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Years back, when my son was about 18 months old, I, my wife, and the kid would go out for a hot fudge sundae every week, and split it three ways. On one occasion, after I placed the order, the nubile young lady in the local Baskin Robbins asked (with a bright smile that could have been coquettish or merely polite) "Would you like your nuts wet or dry, Sir?" I immediately choked. This was, after all, exactly the kind of line every male dreams of. Then I glanced at my wife, who was glaring back at me with a crimson complexion. Swallowing hard, I got a grip on my libido. "Uh... No nuts," I replied. "No nuts at all." ======================================== "I want to be castrated," Arthur told the doctor. "What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement. "Look, my reason's are my own, but it's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." insisted Arthur. "Well, OK.," says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "It's late in life, but I thought about it a lot, and decided that there were enough reasons that I should just go ahead and get circumcised. " Arthur stared at him in horror. "**** ! THAT'S the word!!! ======================================== In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them." ======================================== Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation." "That sounds a little expensive," said Debbie. "How much just to replace the batteries?" ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > All you add is love! > > The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes > (Part II) > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 14> "Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance > like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned > the next day." > > 13> "That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong." > > 12> "With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that > all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the > 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're > going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the > table." > > 11> "Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a > sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some > inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar." > > 10> "I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference." > > 9> "The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp > and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts." > > 8> "The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on > souvenir pipe night." > > 7> "That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO." > > 6> "Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* > players, for chrissakes!" > > 5> "Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of > ass-patting today?" > > 4> "Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an > all-night espresso bender at Starbucks." > > 3> "Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks > like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping > through 'Aida.'" > > 2> "That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of > Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for > something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?" > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dennis Miller > Monday Night Football Quote... > > > 1> "Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm- > infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first > date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in." > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > Press 105 for Room Service > > NOTE FROM CHRIS: > > Sharp-tongued comedian Dennis Miller has been > chosen as part of the new broadcast team for > ABC Monday Night Football this coming year. > What can we expect to hear from the king of rants? > > > The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes > (Part I) > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 14> "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary -- the guy > buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from > the Russians." > > 13> "I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much > since the battle of Verdun." > > 12> "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center > that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop." > > 11> "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim." > > 10> "Somebody call Janet Reno -- I think I just saw Donato > dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!" > > 9> "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly > decapitated Lyndon LaRouche." > > 8> "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson > tried to recite the alphabet." > > 7> "Hey, Cunningham -- Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 > and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi." > > 6> "He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie > O'Donnell's house." > > 5> "Hey Deion, Bubbelah -- maybe you'd better pay a little less > attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that > only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining > 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after > you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and > weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for > a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?" > > 4> "When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this > guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb." > > 3> "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding > tour of Cartagena." > > 2> "Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle > at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island." > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dennis Miller > Monday Night Football Quote... > > > 1> "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering > Vishnu's triplets!" > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > Bottled at the source > > NOTE FROM CHRIS: > > Tobacco behemoth Philip-Morris recently announced > that it is acquiring food monstrosity Nabisco. > "Hmmm..." TopFive wondered aloud, "What > new products can we expect to see now?" > > > The Top 15 New Products from Philip Morris/Nabisco > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] > > > 15> "ElfMakers" Growth-Stunting Tobacco Snacks for Youngsters > > 14> Nutter Lung-Butters > > 13> Cig Newtons > > 12> Dips Ahoy! Chewing Tobacco > > 11> Gummi Lungs > > 10> Mallotars -- Now chewier with 30% more tar! > > 9> The $100,000 Limited Liability No Recourse Bar > > 8> Uneeda Tracheotomy Biscuits > > 7> Barnum's Laboratory Animal Crackers > > 6> Lungs 'R' Doomed Shortbreath Cookies > > 5> Hackwell's Cookies > > 4> Killa Wafers > > 3> Marlboro Man Salty Nuts > > 2> Chemo-Wheat Hot Cereal > > > and Topfive.com's Number 1 New Product from Philip Morris/Nabisco... > > > 1> Planter's 6-Feet-Under Party Mix > > > > [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] > [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== This little tidbit contains all you really need to know about government and bureaucracy. Pythagorean theorem: 24 words. The Lord's prayer: 66 words. Archimedes' Principle: 67 words. The 10 Commandments: 179 words. The Gettysburg address: 286 words. The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words. The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words. ======================================== Top 10 golf comments that aren't as dirty as they sound 10. Nuts! ...my shaft is bent 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7. Look at the size of his putter 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first! ======================================== An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them. "Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked. "Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin. "Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?" "Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife." "Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old." "Thass right." said the old man with pride. "Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she is only 19," the reporter remarked. "Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off." "Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?" "Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em." ======================================== They're calling it S-Commerce or "Shops" and it's being rolled out in cities and towns nationwide. "It's a real revelation," according to Malcolm Fosbury, an engineer from Hillingdon. "You just walk into one of these shops and they have all sorts of things for sale." Fosbury was particularly impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing in central London. "Shops seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can actually try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I was wearing the clothing." This is possible using a high definition 2D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become known. Shops, which are frequently aggregated into shopping portals or "high streets", are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely populated areas people can find them extremely convenient. And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating trainers and then wait five days for them to be delivered in the hope that they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst from Chelsea. "This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods." Being able see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey, "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff." Shops have a compelling commercial story to tell too, according to Gartner Group retail analyst Carl Baker. "There are massive efficiencies in the supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in urban centres-typically close to where people live and work-businesses can make dramatic savings in fulfilment costs. Just compare this with the wasteful practise of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes." Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home to find a despatch notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a delivery depot the other side of town. But it's not just the convenience and time-saving that appeals to Fosbury, "Visiting a shop is real relief for me. I mean as it is I spend all day in front of a computer." ======================================== He does not have a BEER GUT. He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not a BAD DANCER. He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not BALDING. He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER. He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK. He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS. He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION. He is not a SEX MACHINE. He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES. He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT. ======================================== ELECTRICITY HAS EASED WOMEN'S BURDEN (AND THEIR `HYSTERIA') IN MANY WAYS By Natalie Angier, New York Times News Service. Published: Wednesday, April 28, 1999 Section: WOMAN NEWS Page: 9 Electricity has given so much comfort to womankind, such surcease to her life of drudgery. It gave her the vacuum cleaner, the pop-up toaster and the automatic ice dispenser. And perhaps above all, it gave her the vibrator. In the annals of Victorian medicine, a time of "Goetze's device for producing dimples" and "Merrell's strengthening cordial, liver invigorator and purifier of the blood," the debut of the electromechanical vibrator in the early 1880s was one medical event that truly worked wonders -- safely, reliably, repeatedly. As historian Rachel Maines describes in her exhaustively researched if decidedly offbeat work, "The Technology of Orgasm: `Hysteria,' the Vibrator, and Women's Sexual Satisfaction" (Johns Hopkins Press), the vibrator was developed to perfect and automate a function that doctors had long performed for their female patients: the relief of physical, emotional and sexual tension through external pelvic massage, culminating in orgasm. For doctors, the routine had usually been tedious, with about as much erotic content as a Kenneth Starr document. "Most of them did it because they felt it was their duty," Maines said in an interview. "It wasn't sexual at all." The vibrator, she argued, made that job easy, quick and clean. With a vibrator in the office, a doctor could complete in seconds or minutes what had taken up to an hour through manual means. With a vibrator, a female patient suffering from any number of symptoms labeled "hysterical" or "neurasthenic" could be given relief -- or at least be pleased enough to guarantee her habitual patronage. "I'm sure the women felt much better afterwards, slept better, smiled more," Maines said. Besides, she added, hysteria, as it was traditionally defined, was an incurable, chronic disease. "The patient had to go to the doctor regularly," Maines said. "She didn't die. She was a cash cow." Nowadays, it is hard to fathom doctors giving their patients what Maines calls regular "vulvular" massage, either manually or electromechanically. But the 1899 edition of the Merck Manual, a reference guide for physicians, lists massage as a treatment for hysteria (as well as sulfuric acid for nymphomania). And in a 1903 commentary on treatments for hysterical patients, Dr. Samuel Howard Monell wrote that "pelvic massage (in gynecology) has its brilliant advocates and they report wonderful results." But he noted that many doctors had difficulty treating patients "with their own fingers" and hailed the vibrator as a godsend. "Special applicators (motor driven) give practical value and office convenience to what otherwise is impractical." Small wonder that by the turn of the 20th Century, about 20 years after Dr. Joseph Mortimer Granville patented the first electromechanical vibrator, there were at least two dozen models available to the medical profession. There were musical vibrators, counterweighted vibrators, vibratory forks, undulating wire coils called vibratiles, vibrators that hung from the ceiling, vibrators attached to tables, floor models on rollers and portable devices that fit in the palm of the hand. They were powered by electric current, battery, foot pedal, water turbine, gas engine or air pressure, and they shimmied at speeds ranging from 1,000 to 7,000 pulses per minute. They were priced to move, ranging from a low of $15 to what Maines calls the "Cadillac of vibrators," the Chattanooga, which cost $200 plus freight charges in 1904 and which, in its aggressive multi-cantilevered design, is more evocative of the Tower of London than the Pink Pussycat boutique. Doctors used vibrators for many non-orgasmic purposes, including to treat constipation, arthritis, muscle fatigue, laryngitis and tumors; and men as well as women were the recipients of vibratory physic. But a big selling point for the devices was their particular usefulness in treating "female ailments," as shown by catalog copy and medical textbooks at the time. A text from 1883 called "Health For Women" recommended the new vibrators for treating "pelvic hyperemia," or congestion of the genitalia. Vibrators were also marketed directly to women, as home appliances. In fact, the vibrator was only the fifth household device to be electrified, after the sewing machine, fan, tea kettle and toaster, and preceding by about a decade the vacuum cleaner and electric iron -- perhaps, Maines suggested, "reflecting consumer priorities." Advertised in such respectable periodicals as Needlecraft, Woman's Home Companion, Modern Priscilla and the Sears, Roebuck catalog, vibrators were pitched as "aids that every woman appreciates," with the delicious promise that "all the pleasures of youth . . . will throb within you." Significantly, the vibrators and their accoutrements almost never took the form of the dildo, for the simple reason that vibrators were meant to be used externally. As a result, medically indicated massage therapy could be pitched as upstanding and asexual, and less risque than the gynecologist's speculum, which came under heavy ethical fire when it was introduced in the late 19th Century. Maines, head of Maines and Associates, a firm that offers cataloging and research services to museums and archives, first stumbled on her piquant subject while researching a paper on the history of needlework. Thumbing through a 1906 needlepoint magazine, she found, to her astonishment, an advertisement for a vibrator. When she realized there was no scholarly history of the vibrator and related "technologies of orgasm," she decided to research the topic, consulting libraries around this country and abroad. Her investigations led her to conclude that doctors became the keepers of the female orgasm for several related reasons. To begin with, women have been presumed since Hippocrates' day, if not earlier, to suffer from some sort of "womb furie" -- the word "hysteria," after all, derives from uterus. The result was thought to be a spectacular assortment of symptoms, including lassitude, irritability, depression, confusion, palpitations of the heart, headaches, forgetfulness, insomnia, muscle spasms, stomach upsets, writing cramps, ticklishness and weepiness. Who better to treat the wayward female than a physician, and where better to address his ministrations than toward the general area of her rebellious female parts? Maines also proposed that women historically have suffered from a lack of sexual satisfaction, that they needed somebody's help to have the orgasms they were not having in the bedroom. By the tenets of what she calls the "androcentric" model of sex, women were supposed to be satisfied by the motions of heterosexual intercourse. Yet as many studies have shown, at least two-thirds of women fail to reach orgasm through coitus alone, Maines said. As a result, she said, many women historically may have spent their lives in an orgasm deficit, without necessarily identifying it as such. At the same time, religious edicts against masturbation discouraged women from self-exploration. "In effect," she wrote, "doctors inherited the task of producing orgasm in women because it was a job nobody else wanted." The vibrator was not the first therapeutic approach to treating feminine "pelvic hyperemia." Maines and other historians have described the practice of hydrotherapy, the taking to the baths or spas, as an ancient means to a sometimes climactic end. A century ago, spas like Saratoga Springs were a favorite destination of the well-to-do, who enjoyed the diversity of aqua-regimens: the warm baths, the bracing baths, the mineral baths, the gas-infused bubbly baths, the swirling proto-Jacuzzi baths, and, especially, the "douche" baths, in which a current of water was directed through a high-pressure hose or nozzle against the surface of the body, or into a cavity of the body, if the bather so desired. A young woman named Abigail May, who traveled to Ballston Springs, N.Y., in 1800, seeking relief from the pain of her cancer, found happiness, if not a cure, in the water treatments, Maines wrote, using information from a journal she found during her research. At first nervous at the sight of the douche hoses, May made sure to "have laudanum handy" and then took the plunge. "I screamed merrily -- so says Mama," May wrote in her journal. "For my own part I do not remember much about it -- I felt finely for two hours after bathing" and was "so much pleased with the Bath" that she went again not long afterward. The vibrator remained a staple of the doctor's armamentarium and the proper wife's boudoir until the 1920s, Maines said, when it began showing up in stag films and quickly lost its patina of gentility. Vibrators are still widely available, of course, unless you happen to live in Alabama, Georgia and Texas, where state legislatures have banned the sale of vibrators and other "sex toys." The American Civil Liberties Union is now vigorously challenging the Alabama statute. If Alabama permits the prescribing of the anti-impotence drug Viagra, the ACLU argues, how dare it tell women that they can't have their own electromechanical prescription for joy? ======================================== Twas the night before Christmas He lived all alone In a one bedroom house made of Plaster and Stone I had come down the Chimney With presents to give. And to see just who In this home did live. I looked all about A strange sight I did see. No tinsel, No presents, Not even a tree. No stocking by the mantle, Just boots filled with sand. On the wall hung pictures Of far distant lands. With medals and badges, Awards of all kinds, A sober thought Came through my mind. For this house was different, It was dark and dreary, I found the home of a soldier, Once I could see clearly. The soldier lay sleeping, Silent, alone, Curled up on the floor In this one bedroom home. The face was so gentle, The room in such disorder, Not how I pictured A United States Soldier. Was this the hero Of whom I'd just read? Curled up on a Poncho, The floor for a bed? I realized the families That I saw this night, Owed their lives to these soldiers Who were willing to fight. Soon round the world, The children would play, And grownup would celebrate A bright Christmas Day. They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year, Because of the soldiers, Like the one lying here. I couldn't help wonder How many lay alone, On a cold Christmas Eve In a land far from home. The very thought Brought a tear to my eye, I dropped to my knees And started to Cry. The soldier awakened And I heard a rough voice, "Santa don't cry, This life is my choice." The solider rolled over And drifted to sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep. I kept watch for hours, So silent and still And we both shivered From the cold nights chill. I didn't want to leave On that cold, dark, night, This guardian of Honor So willing to fight. The solider rolled over, With a voice soft and pure, Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas Day, All is secure." One look at my watch, And I knew he was right. "Merry Christmas my friend, And to all a good night." ======================================== Second Presidential Debate Transcript Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense? Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis. Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal. Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush. Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name? Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico. Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal. Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors. Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system? Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the childproof cap. Lehrer: Gov. Bush? Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas State fairgrounds. Lehrer: It's time for closing statements. Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me. Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans. Lehrer: Good night. ======================================== Two guys meet in a bar, and one says to the other, "Did you hear the news -- Mike's dead!" "What!?! What happened to him?" "Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom -- he hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof -- went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "Oh, God, what a horrible way to die!" "No, no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "That's terrible! What an awful way to die!" "No, no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Oh, my God, what a way to die!" "Well, that didn't kill him either, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, that's got to hurt! To burn to death!" "No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "That killed him, though, right?" "No, no, he survived that, he ..." "Hold on, just how did Mike die, then?" "Well, I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my damn house!" ======================================== The Four Stages Of A Man's Life 1st stage....... you can't remember names. 2nd stage....... you can't remember faces. 3rd stage....... you can't remember to pull your zipper up. 4th stage....... you can't remember to pull your zipper down. Chistmas Version: The Four Stages In A Man's Life 1st stage....... You believe in Santa Claus. 2nd stage....... You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3rd stage....... You are Santa Claus. 4th stage....... You look like Santa Claus. ======================================== Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father." Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many." Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people." Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards." ======================================== One major hassle that either George W. Bush or Al Gore will have to deal with in becoming President is unsubscribing president@whitehouse.gov from all those porn e-mail lists. ======================================== Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV, and we'll be right back, Ok?" The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The older of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come with me", he says, and the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to give us hell for sucking our thumb!!!!" ======================================== A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly. When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any day." Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Sure enough, two months later, her husband died. The next bridge night one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his asshole." ======================================== A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A new Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much." ======================================== Floriduh Bumper Stickers Careful, I voted for Gore/Buchanan Do YOU remember who I voted for? Don't blame me -- I voted for CHAD! Florida -- Land of Frauds and Nuts! Florida -- The Dumbdown State! Florida -- The State That Can't Vote Straight Florida -- Where Many Are Both Older, And Dumber, Than Dirt! Florida -- Where Your Vote Counts (and counts, and counts...)! FLORIDA -- Vote fishing capital of the world! FLORIDA -- We have to ask ourselves: Is our voters learning? George Bush -- two out of three election counts prefer him! Honk If You Love Vote Fraud Honk If You Love Buchanan -- Wait, No -- I Mean Gore! I also MEANT to turn off my turn signal! I are illeterate, and I vote! I can't read, but my vote counts just as much as yours! I is illiteratte, and I votes more than wonce! I play Bingo, and I vote! I'm undoing my kids' votes! If at first you don't succeed, vote, vote, and vote again! If you can read this, you must be a Republican! If you can read this you're a lot smarter that a Palm Beach voter! My grandparents moved to Florida and all I got was three recounts! Palm Boob County -- We allow the really dim bulbs to VOTE! Punch out what? SORE/LOSERMAN! Thank me -- I meant to vote for Gore! Welcome to FLORIDA -- Now set your watch back 20 years! What part of "I don't remember" don't you understand? What was the Question? ======================================== "The Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers" On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said, "You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "Have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "Here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "Taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "YOU'RE GETTING FAT! taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "Don't you like the doughnuts? YOU'RE GETTING FAT! taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "Take another brownie, don't you like the doughnuts, YOU'RE GETTING FAT! taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "Try my home-made strudel, take another brownie, don't you like the doughnuts, YOU'RE GETTING FAT! taste my sugar cookies, here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." ======================================== A couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. "How do you feel about sex?", he asked, rather hopefully. "Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded. The guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?" ======================================== A mother had three daughters, after each daughter's wedding, she asked each one of them to write back about their married life. The first daughter got married. On the second day a letter arrived with a single message that read simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE" The mother was confused until she finally noticed a Maxwell ad which said: "Good to the last drop". The mother was satisfied. The second daughter god married. After a week there was a message that read "DURACELL". So the mother looked to the DURACELL ad, and it said "Nothing Lasts Longer". And mother was happy. Then finally the third daughter got married, mother was anxious but after 4 weeks came the message: "BRITTISH AIRWAYS" Again, mother looked to the ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read: "Twice a day, four times a week, both ways". ======================================== On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." ~~~~~ During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha- that's all folks!'" ~~~~~~ A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7." ~~~~~~ I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?" ~~~~~~ Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?" ======================================== [ --== TopFive presents ==-- ] [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] ================================================================== From the Ruminations Archives... "The best things in life are free." Try explaining that to an angry prostitute. (Daniel Bokor) And from today's Top 5 List... My dominatrix has a birthday soon. I think I'll just buy her a gag gift. (J. Hutter) ================================================================== [ Ruminations is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] ================================================================== ======================================== [ --== TopFive presents ==-- ] [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] ================================================================== Can someone help me out here? All my wife wants to do is watch football, drink beer, and have sex... I can't get anything done on Sundays!! (Todd Loushine) -=++=- NOTE TO SELF: Maybe December 7th isn't the day to buy a round of Kamikazes for the guys at the VFW. (Dan Di Paolo) The other day, I turned on the WB Channel and it was hilarious! Just kidding. (Andrew Friedman) -=++=- Do you ever have the feeling like you're being watched? And then you find out that you *are* being watched? And then you get the feeling like you were right? (Jeff Lawson) -=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=*=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=- And from today's Top 5 List... Some call me the Space Cowboy. Some people call me the Gangster of Love. Some people call me the Sheep Molester. That last one, to be perfectly honest, I have mixed emotions about. (Chris MacEachen) ================================================================== [ Ruminations is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] ================================================================== ======================================== [ --== TopFive presents ==-- ] [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] ================================================================== Tis the season to be jolly... Fa la la la la, la la la la... Spank my ass and call me Holly... ...oh wait... wrong song... (Gary Kee) ================================================================== [ Ruminations is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] ================================================================== ======================================== [ --== TopFive presents ==-- ] [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] ================================================================== If you ever have a day when it feels like a woodpecker is flying around in your head, take my word that rat poison is only going to excite him more. (Dave Brennan) Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens? Ha! For me, it's 5 or 6 beers while watching the game; getting so drunk I've forgotten my name. These are a few of MY favorite things. (Mike Miles) ================================================================== [ Ruminations is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] ================================================================== ======================================== [ --== Top5 presents ==-- ] [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] ================================================================== Ruminations for October 16, 2000 -=++=- "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." All very nice, but that's not exactly how I wanted to be "endowed by my Creator," if you know what I mean. (Jim Rosenberg) -=++=- There is unexpected beauty hidden everywhere in this world -- one just has to be open to seeing it. Remember that the next time you sneeze on your monitor. (Nathan Walton) From the Ruminations Archives... Despite what the laws of physics dictate, you can go faster than the car in front of you. The problem is that you can only do it once. (Debbie Ryan) -=++=- Hey, if you're gonna go, go all out -- have Hugh Hefner pick your interns. (Mariano Arguedas) -=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=*=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=- And from today's Top 5 List... If I go to hell when I die, I'm gonna be sure to make Satan honor that "Fiddle Contest" clause in my Last Will and Testament. That'll buy me some time to come up with an escape plan. (Jason R. Getter) =================================================================== [ Ruminations is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] ================================================================== ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now available on videocasette. ================================================================== Friday, October 13, 2000 The Top 12 Superstitions of Dumb People [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 12> Bad things come in trees. 11> Never let a black cat cross your eyes. 10> If you break a mirror, toss another one over your shoulder for good luck. 9> Never pick up a stray $100 bill unless Ben Franklin is facing up. 8> Never ever put exactly 5 items on any list. 7> Wait until Wednesday to drink any wine made on Tuesday. 6> Driving slow in the left lane ensures a pleasant trip to your destination. 5> Break a mirror, get seven years of really bad shaves. 4> Good luck can only be attained by FORWARDING THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!! DO IT!!!! QUICKLY!!!! 3> It's bad luck not to run for President if your father was President. 2> Lightning can't find you if you hold really still. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Superstition of Dumb People... 1> Well if one foot is lucky, imagine how lucky a whole-- "Dammit, Cottontail, come back here with my keys!" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T It's always about *you*, isn't it? ================================================================== The Top 14 Complaints of Animal Office Workers [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 14> "Hey, is it too much to ask to get a decent pile of crap to roll in around here?" 13> "I wish I could sit in on your meeting, but all of us in Product Management are running over a cliff at 2:30." 12> New sexual harassment policy means all employees must be spayed or neutered. 11> "Just because I don't hump leg to get ahead here, all of a sudden *I'm* a bitch." 10> Ever try to use the photocopier after the orangutan has been copying his ass? 9> Keep flying into that friggin' glass ceiling. 8> Duck can't replace the toner without getting its bill caught in the document feeder. 7> Guys think it's OK to treat you like some kind of sexual object just because of your musky pheremonal scent and brightly colored genitals. 6> The cats: "Too cold." The snakes: "Too hot." The dogs: "Hey! Squirrels!!!" 5> Cats told to "think out of the box" end up leaving embarrassing "presents" at meetings. 4> Always a line to drink out of the damn toilet. 3> Maul your boss just once, it goes in your permanent file. 2> Trust me: don't *ever* mark your territory on a PC. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Complaint of Animal Office Workers... 1> When your boss says he "eats young punks like you for breakfast," it's not an expression. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T For use in home audio systems ================================================================== The Top 17 Things Heard at a Magic Convention [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 17> "Hey, good-lookin', how about a little mutual prestidigitation?" 16> "Now watch closely, my dear, as I say the magic word... Viagracadabra!" 15> "One time I actually *did* make a rabbit disappear into thin air -- but I was on crack at the time." 14> "Wait a minute... you mean there's a *book* named 'David Copperfield'? Why didn't somebody tell me years ago!? Oh, man, do I feel dumb." 13> "One time, at band camp, I made a flute disappear." 12> "The first, second and third Mrs. Gingriches really swear by that eye of Newt thing!" 11> "He *must* be one of us. He made the entire dessert cart disappear." 10> "And the award for best escape artist award goes to... The Great Clintoni and his lovely assistant, Ms. Reno!" 9> "Will the owner of a green Lincoln Navigator please come to the information desk? Your vehicle has turned into a frog." 8> "Nothing up his sleeve. For that matter, there's nothing in his pants, either." 7> "Thanks, Governor, but we've seen your 'vanishing history of drug abuse' trick already." 6> "Who was that woman I sawed you with last night?" 5> "I told you to hire *Penn* for $100,000 to do the keynote speech, NOT Teller!" 4> "I'm here for the David Copperfield Supermodel Hypnosis seminar." 3> "The 'Magnificent' Mancini, my ass. Let me tell you, his hand ain't the ONLY thing quicker than the eye." 2> "Okay, Mandrake, that's $20 for straight-up, $30 for around the world, and an extra $50 if you wanna saw me in half." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Heard at a Magic Convention... 1> "For my next trick, I will make the pain, bitterness and humiliation of a failed career in show business disappear, using only this fifth of vodka." [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Formatting, 47% complete. ================================================================== [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> Selling the wine before its time 14> Opening the gifts on Christmas Eve 13> Serviced by Jiffy Lube 12> Dropped his coins in front of the slot machine 11> His sperm red-lighted on the prostate dragstrip 10> The sprinklers came on during the national anthem 9> Talked to the clown but didn't stop at the window 8> Serving hasty pudding 7> "God, you're good!!" 6> His O-rings were made by Morton Thiokol 5> Finishing first in the 1 peter dash 4> Rush to smudgement 3> Letting it be over before the fat lady sings 2> Old Faceful and Topfive.com's Number 1 Euphemism For Premature Ejaculation... 1> I'm done. Get out. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now broadcasting in HDTV ================================================================== The Top 14 Pickup Lines in Prison [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 14> "Damn, you are sexy in stripes." 13> "Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of discarded metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate manufacturing shop in my pocket, or am I just glad to see you?" 12> "You know, normally I don't give in the first 30 seconds, but I guess I'm a sucker for sheer muscle mass." 11> "Nice teeth. They'd look so much better on my the floor of my cell." 10> "Who wants to marry a multiple murderer?" 9> "I've been watching you from across the yard for awhile now, and I knew if I didn't work up the courage to just walk over here and ask you to be my bitch, I might regret it for the rest of my life." 8> "Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head." 7> "Did you order the Soap Drop soup?" 6> "That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed knife wound." 5> "Care to give Prisoner Johnson a weekend furlough?" 4> "You're new here... let me debrief you and introduce you to the penal system." 3> "You look even better in person than you did on America's Most Wanted." 2> "If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pickup Line in Prison... 1> "Is your name 'Escape Tunnel'? Because I've been digging you all night." [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Wake up and smell the electrons. ================================================================== The Top 15 Science Fiction Geek Pickup Lines 15> "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'" 14> "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!" 13> "Nice Asimov." 12> "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody." 11> "W-w-w-w-w-wo-would y-y-y-y-you g-g-g-g-go o-o-out w-w-w-w... ah, screw it." 10> "Is that Shai-Hulud, the life-giving spice-producing god-worm in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" 9> "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!" 8> "Forgive my Kirk-like boldness, but you wanna go back to my mom's place and watch 'Dr. Who'?" 7> "How 'bout I slip into something more comfortable... like these STAR TREK VOYAGER pajamas!" 6> "I'm the droid you're looking for." 5> "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears." 4> "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft." 3> "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'" 2> "I sense something... a presence I've not felt since I saw you bend over the registration table." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Science Fiction Geek Pickup Line... 1> "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T The humor list that's too close to call! ================================================================== NOTE FROM CHRIS: The husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor filed a lawsuit against Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, saying the drug has left him impotent. Prince Frederic von Anhalt, 59, claims he can no longer become aroused without the drug, and it's driven 83-year-old Zsa Zsa to seek therapy. "But Chris," you say, "How do I know if *I'm* addicted to Viagra? What are the warning signs?" Glad you asked... The Top 13 Signs You're Addicted to Viagra [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 13> You're constantly spinning around to true north. 12> The State of Mississippi recently named you Public Enemy #1. 11> You make sure to schwing by the drugstore before every hot date. 10> Bob Dole's dinner invitation turns out to be just another intervention attempt. 9> You get aroused just talking about the monkey on your back. 8> After 12 eye-poking incidents this week alone, the driver no longer lets you ride the bus standing up. 7> The good news: You finally found some comfortable pants! The bad news: You bought them at M.C. Hammer's tag sale. 6> You frantically claw through your kid's box of Lucky Charms looking for blue diamonds. 5> The site of a naked 83-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor actually turns you on. 4> Not even Rolling Stone can airbrush away the tent in *your* pants. 3> The Chicago White Sox were still in the playoffs the last time you peed. 2> In the dark, your scrotum glows like a charcoal briquette. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Addicted to Viagra... 1> You haven't even entered the voting booth yet and you've already punched holes for Bush, Gore, Buchanan and Nader. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T *We* let the dogs out. ================================================================== The Top 16 Rejected Names for Sport Utility Vehicles [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 16> Chevy EnviroBlaster 15> Hyundai Balsa 14> Oldsmobile Overcompensator 13> Toyota Timid Baby Bunny With Rosepetals 12> Chrysler Town And Country And The Whole Damn Continent While We're At It 11> Mazda Masturbata 10> GMC NaderHater 9> Ford Exploder 8> Nissan GasFinder 7> Ford Fourlane 6> Mercury Micropenis 5> BMW Litigator 4> Oldsmobile DeltaBurke 3> Lincoln Assassination 2> Toyota 4Skinner and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Name for a Sport Utility Vehicle.... 1> Dodge This! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T President? We don't need no stinkin' President! ================================================================== NOTE FROM CHRIS: Beaver College in Pennsylvania has officially changed its name to Arcadia University, because they felt that the old name "too often elicits ridicule in the form of derogatory remarks pertaining to the rodent, the TV show Leave It to Beaver' and the vulgar reference to the female anatomy." [This is the Certified Filthy! version of this list] The Top 15 Most Popular Courses at Beaver College (X-Rated version) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 11. English 301: Cunning Linguistics 10. Botany 269: Exploring the Pussywillow in Hot, Moist Climates 9. Culinary Sciences 302: Eating Beavers and Eating Wood 8. English Clitoriture 101 7. Sports 121: Our Historic Rivalry With Vagina Tech 6. English 322: The Poetry of e.e. ohmigodimcummings 5. Zoology 407: Ichthyological Olfaction -- Identifying Fishy Odors 4. Witty Rejoinders 331: You Fucking Wish, Pin-Dick 3. Culinary Sciences 213: Kumquats and Shiitakes 2. Creative Writing 300: Box, Bush, Bearded Clam or Vertical Smile? and the Number 1 Most Popular Course at Beaver College... 1. Freshman Orientation: Diving Headfirst Into Beaver [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T It's PEOPLE! TopFive is made from PEOPLE!! ================================================================== NOTE FROM CHRIS: Pop superstar Madonna and her film director boyfriend Guy Ritchie -- also the father of one of her children (Or is it one of Rosie O'Donnell's children? I forget!) -- have decided to write their own wedding vows for their wedding, coming up just before Christmas. The Top 14 Madonna Wedding Vows [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 14> "I, Guy Richie, promise to love Madonna, in pointy bras and in no bras, in blond hair and in black, in lingerie and in transparent tank tops, in heterosexuality and in homoeroticism..." 13> "...for richer or poorer, clothed or naked, new age mystic or dime store tramp..." 12> "With this nipple ring, I thee pierce." 11> "I promise to love, honor, cherish and obey. Psych!!" 10> "...for better or worse, in sickness and in health, in Gaultier and Versace..." 9> "I promise never to compare Madonna to those pictures in that 'Sex' book of hers -- I mean, that was 2 kids ago! Stretch marks just make her more sexy, in a matronly sort of-- hey, where are you going?" 8> "...love, honor, obey, lash, whip, chain, stomp, bite, and bind..." 7> "I, Madonna, vow that you Guy, have signed an iron-clad pre-nup that includes an incredibly harsh penalty for any 'tell-all' books that you may be thinking about writing after our inevitable divorce." 6> "...for richer or poorer -- alright, who's the smartass who put *that* in there?" 5> "I, Guy, take you, Madonna, to the cleaners." 4> "...to love, honor, and obey -- because I've been a bad, bad little girl and need to be disciplined." 3> "...forsaking all oth-- Hey look, a basketball team!!" 2> "I, Madonna, vow to love Guy faithfully, till death do us part, or until I have drained all the life essence from his body in my quest for eternal youth." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Madonna Wedding Vow... 1> "If anyone knows any reason why this couple.... WHOA -- let's just move on, shall we?" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Preferred by 5 out of 9 Supreme Court Justices ================================================================== The Top 17 Worst Celebrity-Endorsed Gift Ideas [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 17> Troy Aikman Super Loud Drum Kit 16> George Foreman's Big Book o' Baby Names 15> Kathie Lee Gifford's My First Sewing Machine (for ages 3-6) 14> Richard Simmons "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Edition G.I. Joe 13> Old Sparky's Workshop (Prisoner and Governor Action Figures Sold Separately) 12> Farrah Fawcett's Percodan Barbie 11> Special Anna Nicole Smith Edition Depends ("All my men wear them or they wear nothing at all.") 10> Jeff "the Chef" Dahmer's Seal-A-Meal/Easy Bake Oven Combo 9> Lil' Katherine Harris Vanity Set 8> Mike Tyson's Punch 'em, Munch 'em Robots 7> Palm Pilot, special Pee Wee Herman edition 6> Rae Carruth Home Pregnancy Test 5> Jockey Boys' Briefs, Michael Jackson Signature Collection 4> Yoko Ono's Shrieking Car Alarm System 3> Bushed on Phonics 2> Senator from New York Barbie and Topfive.com's Number 1 Worst Celebrity-Endorsed Gift Idea... 1> The Jeff Foxworthy Lean, Mean, Roadkill-Grillin' Machine [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T We will be serving our in-list meal shortly. ================================================================== December 18, 2000 NOTE FROM CHRIS: A popular ad here in the U.S. for Budweiser beer features a bunch of young men who have nothing whatsoever to say to each other, apart from repeating the phrase, "Wasssup?" We wondered how that might play in other countries... The Top 15 Foreign Mistranslations of Budweiser's "Wasssup?" Catch Phrase [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> RUSSIA: "It is now breakfast, and therefore time to end our sobriety." 14> CANADA: "Wasssup, eh?" 13> GERMANY: "How paradoxical that the beverage has a German name, and yet still tastes like pisswater." 12> FRANCE: "To whom can we surrender today, mon frere?" 11> COLUMBIA: "Did our little shipment land safely at its destination?" 10> IRAN: "In the name of Allah, I am hoping you are doing better than the soon-to-perish infidels at TopFive who have mocked our culture by including this entry." 9> AUSTRALIA: "Crikey, someone pissed in my Fosters again!" 8> MEXICO: "Hey, I'm just another drunken American student here on spring break." 7> RUSSIA: "I am decoding American TV satellite! Come and watch with me 'Starsky and Hutchsky'!" 6> POLAND: "WARSSSAW?" 5> JAPAN: "Let our discourse be unproductive together while we drink the happy fun beer more times!" 4> TIBET: "Nice yak ass you got there, Ralph." 3> SWEDEN: "I have given up trying to assemble my IKEA furniture. Let us drink and talk hockey." 2> ISRAEL: "Greetings! Is that a rock hurtling towards you?" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Foreign Mistranslation of Budweiser's "Wasssup?" Catch Phrase... 1> RUSSIA: "Although you are a neurosurgeon, Dr. Yanakov, I just drank your monthly salary in beer!" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Machine wash in cold water ================================================================== The Top 18 Warning Labels on Toys [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 18> G.I. JOE: "Warning: The term 'Action figure' is a euphemism for 'dolly'." 17> EZ BAKE OVEN: "Light bulb heating unit is warm enough to melt crayons, but will not affect e-coli bacteria." 16> POKEMON: "This toy will result in your first addiction. Cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin will inevitably follow." 15> YAHTZEE!: "Game score accuracy not guaranteed in Florida." 14> YO-YO: "Regardless of skill lever, use of this product can never -- I repeat, *never* -- make you look cool." 13> "MY SIZE" BARBIE: "Mattel not liable for incidents of doll coming to life, throwing you in its box, putting on *your* clothes, and seamlessly assuming your place in the family, only with more success than you ever had." 12> BETSY WETSY: "For ages 3-7 only, you perv!" 11> FURBY: "Warning to Parents: Gets annoying in like 5 minutes, and you face the risk of seeming soooo 1998." 10> CLUE: "Hint to blondes: While we DO encourage you to buy our game, but this is not what everybody meant." 9> MAGIC 8-BALL: "Not intended for making important decisions, President Bush." 8> LAVA LAMP: "Contains less than 2% incandescent magma from the Earth's mantle." 7> RAZOR SCOOTER: "Will instantly render user indistinguishable from every other kid nationwide." 6> BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS: "A singing fish -- what the hell were you thinking?" 5> ETCH-A-SKETCH: "Caution: Product will almost certainly be used to draw a large, rectangular penis." 4> PLAYSTATION 2: "Not intended as a parental substitute. May stunt social growth. Increased popularity among your peers is only temporary. Will not make you happy, even if your dad did pay $600 for it on Ebay. Note to parents: Sure, it's expensive, but think of all the money you'll save on college tuition." 3> HACKY SACK: "For use by hippies and slackers only." 2> JUNIOR ELECTRIC GUITAR: "Maybe get a blister on your finger. Maybe get a blister on your thumb." and Topfive.com's Number 1 Warning Label on a Toy... 1> HARRY POTTER INVISIBILITY CAPE: "Invisibility not guaranteed for use in opposite-gender locker room or toilet facility." [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Makes its own holiday gravy! ================================================================== The Top 17 Rejected Names for Holiday TV Specials [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 17> Jingle All The Way -- A Body-Piercing Holiday 16> Robert Downey, Jr. Presents the 12 Steps of Christmas 15> World's Funniest Airline Cancellations and Baggage Manglings 14> That's Not Chocolate, Charlie Brown! 13> How the Sony Corporation's Poor Advanced Planning and Woeful Unpreparedness in the Face of a Global Boom in Video Game Entertainment and a Strong Economy Stole Christmas 12> Life's a Bitch, George Bailey! 11> Stolen Motown Christmas Moments with George W. Bush and the Supremes 10> Holmes for the Holidays: Johnny Wadd's Swinging Christmas 9> HO, HO, HO! It's a Heidi Fleiss Christmas!! 8> Osama Bin Laden's "Infidels on Ice" 7> Marilyn Manson's Down Home Christmas Carnage 6> It's a Wonderful Knife -- An O.J. Holiday Special 5> Pamela Anderson and the Not-So-Little Drummer Boy 4> Rudolph the Snot-Nosed, Ungrateful, Five-Year-Old Reindeer 3> Donny Osmond's Rockin' Kwanzaa-ganza! 2> Miracle at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Name for a Holiday TV Special... 1> "No, YOU Open It" -- Christmas With the Sopranos [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Only 363 shopping days until Christmas! ================================================================== The Top 14 Predicted News Stories for 2001 (Part I) [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 14> "Anthropologists Discover 30 Year Old Malibu Virgin" 13> "Jolie/Thornton/ATF Standoff Continues Into 13th Day" 12> "Al Gore Arrested After Sixteen Hour Argument With Little League Umpire" 11> "Hillary Shoots Bill; Declares Love for Joey Buttafuocco" 10> "N. Central African Nation of Chad Announces Name Change" 9> "Nobel Literature Prize Awarded to Internet Humor List Writers" 8> "Stunning Final Recount Results: Dewey Defeats Truman After All!" 7> "Rosie O'Donnell Adopts Peru" 6> "Missing Bermuda Triangle Vehicles Located in David Copperfield's Garage" 5> "$27 Billion Government Study Concludes U.S. Election Procedures Hindered by Outdated Equipment and Inefficient Procedures: Senate Committee Recommends Further Inquiry" 4> "Armed Students Storm School, Demands 'Gooder Education'" 3> "Anna Nicole Smith Weds Strom Thurmond" 2> "Zimbabwe Elects Conservative President; Baldwin, Basinger Move Again" and Topfive.com's Number 1 Predicted News Story for 2001... 1> "Nobel Peace Prize Goes to Inventor of Orgasm Pill" [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that is, the "Politically Correct." Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes UTILITIES "man" pages are now called "person" pages. Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime." To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is now merely "domestic_quadruped." To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored. The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by the more neutral "gendre" command. The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers. "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males) should be archived via "tar" and "feather". The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command. The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly "LaTeX". SHELL COMMANDS: To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been renamed "euthanise." The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be "nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones. "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory." "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be strictly enforced. The "abort()" function is now called "choice()." TERMINOLOGY From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as "exploitive capitalist text". The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides." There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable. Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background. For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the users. All system administration functions will be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS). No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned" by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users. The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System. And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively Challenged. ---- UNIX(tm) is a trademark of UNIX System Laboratories. Any similarty of names or attitudes to that of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. ======================================== We've all heard the "herding cats" analogy with regard to managing programmers. Managing sysadmins is like leading a neighborhood gang of neurotic pumas on jet-powered hoverbikes with nasty smack habits and opposable thumbs. Oh, and as a manager you're a neurotic junkie puma too, only they cut your thumbs off and whereas all the other pumas get to drive around on their badass hoverbikes and fire chainguns at the marketing department, YOU have to drive a maroon AMC Gremlin behind them and hand out Band-Aids and smile a lot, when all you're REALLY thinking about is how to get one of them to let you borrow his hoverbike for a few minutes so you can show those fools how it's DONE. -- Benjy Feen ======================================== Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CR decided another report was needed. As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend. The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time. Used vs. New A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table: Your age Used or New --------- ----------------- 1-12 years (see note A) 13-16 years New 17-21 years Used, but not used up 22-35 years Used heavily 35-60 years New (see note B) 60+ (see note A) Notes: A: Seek psychiatric help B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced". New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CR advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional. Accessories Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed. The Test Ride When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CR rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool? Ordering vs. On-the-Lot Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CR questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway. Methodology Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CR's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance. Results Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant. Category Comments ------------- ------------ Goddess -- This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available. Goddess-in-law -- This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs. Ms. Right -- The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck. Babe -- This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs. Friend -- The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality. Yeah, Her -- The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish. Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting! ======================================== We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this: Thank you for calling The Lord's House. Please select from the following options: Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS Press 2 for THANKSGIVING Press 3 for COMPLAINTS Press 4 for HEALING Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS Press 6 for RAIN or No RAIN Press 7 for MIRACLES Press 8 for WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY "HI" Press 0 to hear this menu again What if God used the familiar excuse, "I'm sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium. Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer: If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11. For Michael, press 22. For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33. If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding, please press 55. Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the psalm you wish to hear. To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her Social Security number, then press the pound (#) key, enter their date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah's ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here. Answers can only be understood from a "heavenly perspective." To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. PLEASE be careful, your receiver may become warm. Our computers show you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 a.m., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time). To order any religious material, enter catalog number, quantity and a major credit card number, plus expiration date. For emergencies, refer to your Bible. ======================================== A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE". Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again. The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole. This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair. A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County, Florida and the first hole only took 7 days to complete. ======================================== "The Hamster Story" The following is a true story, however for personal reasons, as I am sure you will soon understand, I have decided to leave off my name, and the names of the members of my family. Please consider the following humor, and a little friendly advice from one parent to another on what not to do in a hamster emergency. And believe me, I seriously doubt that I will be the only parent that this happens to, which does indeed give me a reason to laugh... Thanks... A red faced and embarrassed father................... I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "Oldest trick in the book," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape." "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired sarcastically. "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her. "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me. By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Gross!" they shrieked. "Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. "Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled. "So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results. "Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through it." "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," I told him. The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy." "What?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just..." "Excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. "What's so funny?" I demanded. Tears were now running down her face. "Just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its..." she gasped. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look. ======================================== A recent press release from the Libertarian Party 'We do not like Green Eggs & Pork,' Libertarians say to Dr. Seuss memorial WASHINGTON, DC -- In the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) 2001 appropriations bill -- which Congress will vote on when it returns for its year-end lame-duck session -- $400,000 has been earmarked to build a "memorial" to Dr. Seuss, the author of Green Eggs and Ham, The Cat in the Hat, and other children's books. The memorial would be built by the Springfield Library and Museum Association in Springfield, Massachusetts -- so it's no surprise that the provision to spend $400,000 was inserted into the bill by two Massachusetts Democrats, Senator Edward Kennedy and Rep. Richard Neal. In opposition to this wasteful "pork" spending, and in tribute to Dr. Seuss, the Libertarian Party issued the following statement: Green Eggs And Pork We do not like it Pork-I-Am, This spendaholic Uncle Sam. We do not like those Rs and Ds, Who can't resist more subsidies. We do not like the cash they waste; sky-high taxes spent in haste. Frugality, they have erased, and every bill, of pork it tastes. We do not like it on the Hill, When snuck into HUD's spending bill. It shouldn't pass -- we bet it will More money from the public till. If YOU don't like this Pork-I-Am Start voting Libertarian. WE would not vote for Pork-I-Am. Or subsidize green eggs and ham. Job training programs for the Grinch? We would not even budge an inch. And if a cat needed a hat? Free enterprise is there for that. Now, just in case you are obtuse I'll make it clear, with no excuse We would not do it for a moose We would not do it for a goose And as you may by now deduce -- We'd vote "no" on Dr. Seuss. ======================================== I'm a Bad American. I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I like big cars, big guns, and big tits. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squeezing out babies. I don't think playing with guns makes you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want to see it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac in America, you do it in english. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap. I think getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month. I know what the definition of "is" is. I think Oprah's eyes are way too far apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks. I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osborne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being an art student doesn't give you any more insight than working at Blockbuster. I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do it in their schools. I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, Norman Schwartzkopf, Colin Powell and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman". I think creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes Iraqis deader and movies more interesting. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake, but I still think that Goldberg could kick my butt. I think global warming is Chicken Little junk science. I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-hell-up already. Rocky and Bullwinkle still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a 6 year old with a Play Station. I want to know exactly which church it is where the Rev. Jesse Jackson preaches. I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen DeGeneres puts her tongue. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my ass. I worry about dying before I get even. I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stoplight, and I'm pretty sure the Latina girl selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada. I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks. I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are not gonna be honor roll middle-class high school kids but gang-banging losers from the wrong side of town. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent with a firm voice and a firmer hand. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement and not a fad. I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning, and don't even think about asking me if I want a rice cake. I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room. I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was "Sands of Iwo Jima" and "Ole Yeller". I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna get laid. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. YES, I'm a BAD American. ======================================== What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart. ============ A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all canines. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks. ============ Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino. ============ A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath," So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah," the man replied "Up to my chin should do it." ============ What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman. ============ In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks. ============ Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned. ============ Why did the Maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication. ============ Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk. ============ A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. The scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. ======================================== The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Cut him up into small pieces with a chain saw, put the pieces in plastic bags, and put them in the refrigerator. The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Cut him up into small pieces with a chain saw, put the pieces in plastic bags, and put them in the refrigerator. Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Trick question. Both the giraffe and the elephant are dead and in my fridge, so actually it's TWO animals not attending. Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? Take the dismembered giraffe and elephant pieces out of the refrigerator, put them in the water, let the crocodiles eat until they're full and sleepy, then swim across. Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old. Send this out to frustrate all of your friends What? I have to go speak to the Human Resources director? Again? ======================================== If Men Were in Charge of Weddings... ============================= There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the shoes would be Nikes in matching team colors. June weddings would be scheduled around the NHL play-offs. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Corvette or some other muscle car with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride would get punched in the head (unless they were really old). Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role "Best Man." There would be "Tailgate Receptions." Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que. Invitations would read as follows... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting married, He either: A) couldn't get a different roommate or B) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah... BYOB. ======================================== From The Onion; Gore Calls For Recount Of Supreme Court Vote WASHINGTON, DC-- An increasingly desperate Al Gore called for a recount Tuesday of the U.S. Supreme Court's 9-0 decision in Bush v. Palm Beach County Canvassing Board. "There is reason to suspect that these nine votes were not properly counted and that as many as five justices who sided with Mr. Bush did not intend to do so," Gore said. "It is therefore in the best interest of our democracy for the U.S. Supreme Court to suspend judgment in this case until we can be absolutely certain that this court did, in fact, intend to rule in Mr. Bush's favor." Gore added that if his recount request is denied, he will file an appeal with the Interplanetary Supreme Court. ======================================== The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable. A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement shack with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it. I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whoever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say. "Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed your daughter's dance recital." He continued, "Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities." And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles." "You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years." "Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900 which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me Tom, I'm getting to the important part." "It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail," he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy." "So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to roundup 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away." "I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight." "Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time." "It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. 75 year Old Man, this is K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!" You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast." "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. "Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles." Give your troubled child a hug, your beautiful wife/husband a compliment, and your aging grandmother a phone call! They will all appreciate the moment and it will be long-lasting! Be careful out there, we are all losing our marbles. ======================================== A new mathematical process has been defined: al*gore*rithm -n. Math. A process whereby a finite set is counted repeatedly until the desired number of items is reached, whether or not that number is less than or greater than the finite number of items in the set. ======================================== Today I read the following news wire: Chinese doctors replace man's esophagus with colon BEIJING, Nov. 15 (UPI) - E Aiguo, a 37-year-old man living in northeastern China, is eating normally for the first time in 13 years after Chinese doctors replaced his damaged esophagus with part of is own colon, state media reported. ... Copyright 2000 by United Press International. Won't this individual forever have the dubious designation of talking out of his ass? ======================================== There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone expected white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope. Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?' After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "we knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola". ======================================== My next door neighbor was at a club the other night with her boyfriend, when the topic came around to masturbation. We noticed that there were all kinds of terms for men doing it, but there weren't any euphemistic phrases for women doing the same thing. We asked my neighbor what she called it. Giving a scornful look at her boyfriend, she muttered, "Finishing The Job!" ======================================== Toward the end of a business trip, this guy goes to a whorehouse. He lays down $500.00 and says to the Madam "Give me the worst piece of ass you got!" She says "For $500.00, I can give you a very talented girl." He says "No thanks. I'm not horny. I'm homesick!!!!" ======================================== Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had heard quite a bit about Courting from older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face looked funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. And about this time, Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward and off the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. I know it was fever because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen - I should tell her about the ones down by the lake. Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it - with both hands and held it tight, while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started moaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squeezing it between them. Afte a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle. But they went on courting any way. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly the eel wasn't dead. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives or something. This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel off its skin off and flush it down the toilet. ======================================== See if you can do this. Read each line aloud Dr. Suess' lost tongue twisters This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top Betcha you can't resist passing it on. ======================================== T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now in two-ply pastel colors! ================================================================== Here at TopFive, we've been immersed in the holiday season -- drinking egg nog together, singing carols, making toys out of empty 40 oz. malt liquor bottles, trimming the tree with cheese, bacon and jalapeno, etc. Just last night, the contributors and I all fell asleep around the TV after watching "Martha Stewart's Christmas Dream." (Only Muse and Hollister stayed awake for the whole thing.) Consequently, we didn't have time to get a list ready for today. However, still inspired by Martha and her ability to make something beautiful out of absolutely nothing, we threw together a list made solely from submissions that were never used in other lists. We now present to you... The Top 15 Random Leftover List Items Found in the TopFive Junk Drawer [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] 15> "Closed Captioning provided by Chock Full of Nuts Coffee" 14> For the last time Mr. Arafat, this is *not* a nude beach. 13> Anyone can claim they invented the internet. Wanna impress *me*? Show me the guy who invented the vibrator. 12> Hurricane Gates -- get it?? Get it?? 11> Florence Massengill 10> NOTE TO SELF: Include these funny words in future submissions -- reticulum, ointment, slacks, penile, frappe, buttress. 9> Misty Rivera, come home! All is forgiven, Baby!! 8> A coveted spot on the National Precision High-speed Target Vomiting Team 7> A children's book called "Bullwhips and Leather Restraints for Dummies" seemed like a good idea at the time, but now you wonder if that was just the crack talking. 6> Two. One to hold the ladder. The other to read aloud from "Dianetics." 5> Those *aren't* baked beans, and that *isn't* my baby! 4> Rules are rules, Mr. Rodman. You're going to have to put that thing back in the holster. 3> No, that's just Grandpa playing his colostomy bagpipes! 2> For starters, you can't *eat* silicone. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Random Leftover List Item Found in the TopFive Junk Drawer... 1> "Dear Diary, it's been three days since I offed Chester and buried him in the woods behind the TopFive campsite. The other contributors are starting to look at me funny..." [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ] ======================================== Three women escape from prison - a redhead, one a brunette, and a blonde. They run for miles until they come upon an old barn. They decide to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climb up, they find three gunnysacks and decide to hide inside them. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The sheriff tells his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he gets up there the sheriff asks him what he sees. The deputy reports just three gunnysacks. The sheriff tells him to find out what is in them. So the deputy kicks. the first bag, which has the redhead in it. She says "Woof", so the deputy tells the sheriff there is a dog in the first one. Then he kicks the sack with the brunette in it and she says "Meow.", so the deputy tells the sheriff there's a cat in the second one. Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and there's no sound at all. So he kicks it again. After a pause, a small voice says "Potatoes." ======================================== Santa is Gay I hate to be the one to defy sacred myths, but I believe Santa is gay. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a straight guy could possibly pull it all off. For starters, think about the planning that goes into an event like Christmas. Even Martha Stewart is envious. Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn't have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day. But if you're a gay, out-of-work Actor/Dancer/Waiter, it's the perfect gig until you get your big break. Also, if he were straight he would have picked a more masculine animal than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happens to appeal to Santa's inherent sense of grace and beauty. And those names: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen? Fill in the blanks. Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons and he's never fathered a child with her, she's overweight and still content. Can you say "Fag-hag?" Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He's gay, too! "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." As if he wanted to. Isn't Rudolph really a metaphor for the gay child in a straight society, anyway? Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert at Christmas time? Well, now you know. And stop pretending you don't like it. Deep down inside, you've always liked fruitcake. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a straight man: ~Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one night trip! ~Red velvet, fur collar, black engineer boots. Think people!!! ~Gay men have long been using stockings to hide their candy. ~Toys, toys, toys. ~HoHo / Homo. A little too similar if you ask me. ~That long over-night flight around the world taps into the flight attendant gene. And one more thing, did you ever know a straight guy named Nicholas? Oh, straight society has tried to butch up his image by calling him St. Nick, but we know better. It's Nicholas, damn it! ... or Ms. Claus if you're nasty. ======================================== A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking faster he looks back and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...faster... faster...BUMP...BUMP....BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing ......gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin. Desperate, he throws the bottle of Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition. And the coffin stops. ======================================== A guy works a new job. One Monday he calls in and says, 'I can't come in today. I'm sick.' He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, 'I can't come in today. I'm sick.' The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, 'He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him.' So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, 'You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?' The guy says, 'No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her.' The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I said I was sick." ======================================== It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour. Rudi, the Rabbi was called upon to help solve the problem. He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!" Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty, you think it'll work?" "Of course! As everybody knows... Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!" ======================================== My dog, Minton, ate two shuttlecocks yesterday. Bad Minton. ============================ What costs $32 a barrel and swears? Crude oil. ======================================== A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so decided to call it a day. That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...... [ready?] "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" ======================================== A psycho escaped from the insane asylum and made his way into the city, where he entered a laundromat, raped three women, and ran away. Next morning's headline: NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS ======================================== The Fall Of A Republic *********** When the thirteen colonies were still a part of England, Professor Alexander Tyler wrote about the fall of the Athenian republic over two thousand years previous to that time: "A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves money from the public treasure. From that moment on the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most money from the public treasury, with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy followed by a dictatorship." "The average age of the world's great civilizations has been two hundred years." "These nations have progressed through the following sequence: - from bondage to spiritual faith - from spiritual faith to great courage - from courage to liberty - from liberty to abundance - from abundance to selfishness - from selfishness to complacency - from complacency to apathy - from apathy to dependency - from dependency back to bondage" Alexander Tyler ======================================== There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00." "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... " "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... " "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000 ... " "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! But before we hang up, something else ... " "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... " "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... " "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye ... I do too ... " The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" ======================================== The practical sex OK, we can't deny it any longer. Christmas is not far away. Which is why we pass on the question: "What would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?" Apparently, they would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts. But, then again, when they left, they would probably say: "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"; "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph"; "Virgin? I knew her at school"; "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now"; and "Want to bet on how long until you get your casserole dish back?". ======================================== [ --== TopFive presents ==-- ] [ R U M I N A T I O N S ] ================================================================== From the Ruminations Archives... I know I must be really good in bed, 'cause women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer. (Bill Hewins) [ Ruminations is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] ======================================== Twas the Night Before Chanukah Twas the night before Chanukah as it is said, And Santa was sitting and hocking his head. He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel, For maidlach and boys, to give each one a peckel. The raindeers were saddled and ready to fly, Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky. But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel -- Some regular food that would stick to his beichel -- Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy, But some good Kosher cooking he thought would be dandy. So he called to his raindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go!" To a Jewish balabusta, and don't be so slow! The house had no chimney, so he went through the door, And kissed the mezuzzah and jumped on the floor. The man of the house said, ^ÓSanta, you devil, Come on, don't be shy, and see our split level -- The night is still early, there's plenty of tzeit. So come in the den, and please have a bite. If we only knew you were coming, by gosh -- But I'll call out the wife and she'll bring you a nosh. A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels, Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles, Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy, A bissel chopped herring, and end piece of chally. And if all these goodies don't fill out your gatkes -- Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes! "A latke?" cried Santa, "What is this delight? On the outside it's golden, and inside it's white, On the outside so crisp, and inside so yummy!" And he gobbled them up till he filled up his fat tummy. Then they gave him a dreidel, and showed him the plays, And he took a menorah to light for eight days. And to give Santa spirit and to show how they felt, For mazel, they gave him some Chanukah gelt! He beamed and he chuckled, and said "Kine-ahora, I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer. To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack, I'm leaving you everything, even my sack." Then he called to his raindeer and said "Luz mir gehn!" And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein -- "Giddyap Irving, hoo ha Sidney, hi ho Sadie, let's go Minnie, Onward Gussie, upward Solly, ole Becky, oy vey Molly!" And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight, Merry latkes to all and to all a good night. ======================================== Birds of a feather flock together. Then they crap on your car. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. ======================================== This blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied. ======================================== Thou shalt not skim flavor from the holidays By Craig Wilson USA TODAY Wednesday, November 29, 2000 I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway. 1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college? 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again. 8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate. 10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner. ======================================== The following is part of a long online thread about "peeves". The item in my files is undated, but the file is date-stamped July 1997. This is right up there with one of MY school peeves, "Zero Tolerance". If you haven't seen my rant on that, it's at http://www.thisistrue.com/zt.html --- Your comment reminds me of one of the run ins I've had with the school psychologist. After our discussion, I've gained a reputation of being unreasonable and my daughter has gained the freedom to construct anything short of atomic bombs without psychological interference. If I haven't peeved about this in the past, I certainly should have and if I have, I beg the readers' indulgence. It all started shortly after my ill-fated Parent-Teacher Conference (as did my public school reputation for being unreasonable). Within a week of this conference, I received a phone call from said 'psychologist' requesting that I present myself in his office to discuss my daughter's 'problem'. When questioned, he indicated that the 'problem' was different than the one the teacher and I discussed (which was not addressing adults by first name), but coyly refused to 'discuss a situation of this magnitude over the phone'. The following day, at the appointed time, I appeared with offspring in tow. Horrified looks resulted and said offspring was shuttled off to play in the gym. Apparently these discussions are SECRET. He began by folding his hands on top of his desk and wearing his 'saintly, patient' expression. *This* is a man who has not only READ the psych books but *believes* them. "Has Lauren appeared depressed or been behaving unusually at home?" "No, she has not." "Her behavior *hasn't* changed?!" "No it hasn't. Pardon my abruptness, but precisely *what* are you driving at?" He is now refusing to meet my eyes and fiddling with a paperclip on the desk. Hmmm. I should have trundled my copy of 'Body Language' along with me. He could have fidgeted and I could have merrily looked up all the underlying psychological causes. "Well, erm...you see, Lauren is using only black crayon when she's drawing and studies have indicated that when this occurs the child is usually depressed and attempting to deal with repressed emotions." "Ah." At this point, I was having considerable difficulty repressing one of my own emotions....namely laughter. What rocks do these nitwits crawl out from under? Realizing that my original response would be a Bad Thing, I quickly pasted my Concerned, But Amused Parental Expression on and continued: "Have you considered asking Lauren her reasons for using black crayon?" Shock. Horror. Complete dismay. He actually began stammering. One does NOT ask the child. It could cause deep-seated emotional problems, stunt their growth, cause them to suffer from low self-esteem and possibly begin hanging about on street corners with gangs of second graders. I excused myself from his office, ostensibly to collect myself, in actuality to collect my offspring from the gym. I arrived at said gym to find my depressed, repressed, emotionally devastated monster attempting to deal with her deep-seated frustration at not being able to reach the rings. Was she crying, fussing or sulking? Nope. She was trying to negotiate with the custodialdrone for a stepladder. At this point, I decided she was entitled to draw with black crayons the rest of her life, if that's what she wanted. We meandered back to the office and I ignored the look of distress that was shot at me. I parked my recombinant DNA in a chair with orders to 'Behave like a lady.' (Yeah, I know. So sue me.) The conference resumed, this time I addressed my questions to Lauren. "Lauren, Mr. Shit-for-Brains indicates that you only use black crayon when you're drawing." "Yeah." "Do you *like* drawing in black?" "No." "Then why do you do it?" I was treated to the expression that is reserved for humouring slightly thick parents and watched as my offspring pasted on her Mom's Old Lady But Harmless Expression: "They make us line up in alphabetical order when they pass out the crayons. And I'm always last in line...there's nothing left *but* black!" I turned to witness what our psychological brainchild is making of all this. He has gone strangely quiet. Fine. This interview is over as far as I'm concerned. Although I confess, I couldn't resist lobbing one more over the fence at him. "Thank you sooooo much for your concern regarding my daughter's emotional well-being. I suppose your job would be *much* easier if all depressions could be cured by simply starting the crayon box from the other end of the queue. In the future however, do you think you could at least ask *her* before you haul me in here?" He managed to mutter something which I took for assent neither Lauren or myself has heard anything from him since. Deirdre Sholto-Douglas Forwarding these messages is fine -- keeping the next line is appreciated: To SUBSCRIBE to this list, e-mail RandysRandom-subscribe@topica.com